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KNOT HOLE NEWS
PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS
(Rico) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds.
Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting the regions in the future.
“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said Melvin Toole, architect of the plan. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”
Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to Wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby.
“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, of Malfunction. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”
The feral gov,ment, all wrapped up in weapons production has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.
Department of Interior to start big fires
(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.
Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-October.
Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan fool-proof.
“We’re killing pine beetles and waiting until the fall colors have passed so leave us alone,” said Monne Santos, a former lobbyist who changes colors with the season and damn sure should know what he’s talking about..
Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to be done with annoyances once and for all.
“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”
Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season but cooler heads prevailed.
Biosphere III Filling Up
(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to house herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.
According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.
“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, the architect behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”
This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.
Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Colona’s Plan to Welcome Aliens Slammed by Xenophobes
Their tiny oval shapes hovering, zipping in and out of view, eager to the be the first on the ground. Astronomically diverse faces press the windows of the craft. Veteran crews awaiting the first liberty in five years, visitors from outer space living the life of a star traveler.
“The invitation to land was probably a bit premature since there are only a few aliens that we know of actually living in Colona at present,” said Sam Zonuvovitz, a liaison for the Big Bang Bible Institute, a curious think tank at odds with itself. “If a whole mob of them shows up this weekend we wouldn’t even know what to cook for lunch.”
Meanwhile in nearby Montrose it appears to be common knowledge among the chattering folk that most of Colona is of alien stock (Martian and Plutonian primarily).
“Despite the rumors, no belligerents dared approach the ancient fortress at Wildcat Creek nor have skeleton corps attempted a feared anvil and hammer motion to the north and west. Semi-flankers and irregulars were repulsed yesterday after accidentally storming Horsefly Canyon, and later pushed back into the sea of uncertainty. Other ragtag elements playfully showed their teeth but exhibited no claws, refusing numerable times to flank themselves and reinforce their fellows despite high winded urging of officers careening of Storm King and the fields of clover beyond.
“It is impossible to be flanked unless you are aware that you are being flanked,” said Zonuvovitz. “If you don’t know you are being flanked you are not really being flanked at all. Colona does not know enough about classic flanking maneuvers to be flanked. It’s that simple.”
– Gabby Haze
DISAPPOINTMENT VALLEY OPTIMISTS DISBAND
(Klondike Basin UPS) The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club, long a bastion of arch-positive thinking in Western Colorado, has dissolved itself as of last night’s meeting. The club, boasting over four members, represented registered voters in the region with its own interests at heart.
The official reasons for the fraternal termination were not disclosed but one member told The Horseshoe that it had a lot to do with the Dugout Wash Grange Hall burning down in January.
“We were holding temporary meetings at Mario Crepehanger’s trailer but he didn’t have heat,” said the spokesman. “Then we moved the whole shindig over to the banks of Rabbit Creek but there’s too much fur around there and them rabbits got spots on their little livers this year. We didn’t really want to freeze or get sick so we all went home.”
Unconfirmed sources in downtown Egnar blame the sad occurrence on collusion among several international gravel pit concerns in the valley.
“Those guys didn’t appreciate the Optimists being around, throwing parties and bringing canned goods to the needy,” said L. Flem Cocklebur, who provided the club with whiskey for the past 15 years. “I think they torched the grange hall to further their own selfish ends,” he spat.
It was not clear at press time whether the remaining members of the club would restructure the organization and press on with the “larger-than-life” takeover of Slick Rock, that was on the docket at the time of their demise.
Anyone interested in joining the club or donating weapons at this time is asked to call Crepehanger in Norwood.
“The lovely patch of land surrounding Guantanamo Bay has for more than a century been a U.S. Naval outpost. It must become part of Cuba again. In return, the United States can have Miami back.”
– Tom Miller: If I had been Raul Castro’s Speech Writer in Trading With the Enemy
— PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT # 611 —
IT’S HIGH TIME TO PUSH RESET BUTTONS OUT THERE
It’s spring around these rocks and many of you out there are no better for the wear and tear of the season. However, as always, nature takes care of her own, providing relief on demand. We are referring to the little red reset button that, along with your umbilical cord, your good looks and your innate power of reason arrived with the package that is you.
Surprisingly enough most folks are not aware of this ambiguous presence…but’s it’s there all right. It’s just a matter of a little exploration and education. For instance: Most people will find their tiny reset button just north of their naval. If you happen to be left-handed your red button is probably located behind your right ear. It’s the left brain-right brain thing again. If you were born in 1919, 1926, 1931, 1949,1955, 1967, 1980, 1982 or 1990 you will most likely discover your reset switch behind the left knee.
Physicians and psychologists agree that people who make use of available release mechanisms lead happier, healthier lives. So, when you go home tonight why not jump into a nice hot bath and push your button. Better yet, leave the chore to someone you love. – Editor
“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”
– Mark Twain
Lone Cone Not Up To Code
(Norwood) Lone Cone and several other mountains in the Western San Juans are not up to code according to the state of Colorado. Seismic and geothermal enforcement units operating in the vicinity say the mountains must upgrade or lose their ratings for the coming summer.
For decades the mountains policed themselves on such regulatory considerations as rock shedding, electricity and general impact. Although not completely safe the system worked pretty well.
“That’s all fine,” said Gerald Ashcroft, of the Altitude Police, “but we were up at the top of Lone Cone Thursday and the place is hot. Readings taken on both sides of the mountain confirm our fears. Plus there was a lot of wire hanging out and the fuse boxes were mounted on trees. If we would have thought to bring our Richter Scales we could have landed a specific reading to send to the boys down in Washington.”
At state urging the feds will be employed to guard high risk mountains in an attempt to control the spread of terrorism.
“All it would take is a little attention to detail,” said Ashcroft, “and these big fellas could retain their status as contributing peaks. Right now it’s a disaster up there. Winter was hard enough and nobody bothered to get a building permit for the addition on Groundhog Mountain. Now we have a another population boom to deal with. Who plumbed this place anyway?”
In addition to wiring and plumbing specifications Ashcroft warned that high mountain peaks could be training grounds for terrorists intent on destroying the American way of life.
“We don’t have much culture under 12,000 feet but what we have is ours,” spouted Ashcroft.
Sources at the state level say that unless the aforementioned peaks comply they will be removed from the approved hiking list for summer.
“Then nobody would climb them,” said Ashcroft, “and then where would they be?”
– Uncle Pahgre
“Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.” – traditional cowboy saying
YOUR WASHINGTON MINUTE
*The last Congressman was purchased by lobbyists (who will from this day on enjoy diplomatic impunity) this morning, leading to a recess until after campaign season is over in November.
*The Senate failed to pass a diluted measure banning dull marriage within the confines of the United States. Washington National tickets go on sale today.
*Lilliputians win three seats when Democrats and Republicans fail to return from the Congressional latrine.
*Combined Senate votes to table motion to squash a patent on a motorcar that runs exclusively on campaign literature.
*Maps of Afghanistan are passed out to sleeping elected officials in the House of Representatives. Many mistake them for cruise ship promotions.
*Legislation skirted on national health care program since politicians are already covered. Chronic unemployment statistics unveiled to a legislative group that still has somewhere to go during the day.
“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.”
– Edward Abbey
