All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

CATTLEMEN MOOO HOOO DEVELOPMENT

(Montrose) Local cattle interests say that a massive development planned for the Marmot Creek area is potentially destructive to their industry. The 3000-home subdivision is planned for what was once quality agricultural land.

Sources within the Cattlemen’s group content that with the excess building their cows will not be able to lie down/recline in the pasture anymore.

“With the limited acreage set aside for grazing our livestock will be forced to stand up 24-hours per day,” said Barb Warr, a spokesman for the group. “Do you know what that does to the breeding cycle, not to mention calving and the overall attitude of the herd?”

Dairy farmers echoed the same concern.

“Due to this rampant sprawl our animals can barely stretch out now,” said Harvey Milque, of Spring Creek Mesa. “Any more building will do us in. There is a comfort factor here that must be respected. Some of my neighbors south of Montrose barely have room for a decent garden as it is. We have enough American culture now. What we need is a little Rocky Mountain restraint. Do we really want to look like Grand Junction?”

– Mel Toole

Return Foul Balls or Beer Prices Go Up at Coors

(Denver) The Colorado Rockies announced today that unless fans begin returning home run and foul balls from the bleachers, beer prices would increase at Coors Field. Traditionally balls that land in the stands have been kept as souvenirs.

The move was not received well by many fans who see the change as restrictive and contrary to baseball tradition.

“This amounts to nothing short of an ultimatum,” said one season ticket holder. “The idea of returning a ball hit out of play in un-American, like forgetting the words to Take me Out To The Ballgame. “We will not be denied our day in the sun,” he said from a shady seat along the third base line.

Already a beer boycott is in the wings which threatens the fiscal health of the sports franchise.

“With high salaries and operating expenses we can no longer let fans walk away with baseballs,” said a spokesman for the club. “Between beers sold during the game and recycled balls we can pay for two utility outfielders and half a backup catcher. We’re just trying to balance the books. It’s nothing personal.”

In short,” said a source in the accounting department, “Rockies’ fans will have to return the balls or pay more for beer.”

The source would not elaborate as to the likelihood that mindless sideshows and promotions will be affected by the announcement.

“The Rockies could cut to the chase and terminate all the non-baseball events going on in the stadium between innings” said the fan from above. “We just want to hold onto our keystone culture in a world that increasingly sees these customs as irrelevant. Baseball defines us. It’s as American as catching a foul ball or sipping a cold beer on a hot afternoon and we haven’t even touched on peanuts and hot dogs.”

-Rica “Suga” Beets

Colona Not on Million Dollar Highway

(Ouray) The village of Colona is not officially on the Million Dollar Highway say sources at the Colorado Division of Transportation. The famous stretch of road, named for the expense of its construction, runs only from Ouray to Silverton and in no way includes Colona according to a recent press release.

“We do not recognize other access paths as part of the big picture,” said the release, “although these arteries are included in the Scenic Byways, Alpine Loop and San Juan Skyways portion of the landscape.”

For decades people in Colona have been led to believe that the stretch of Highway 550 that passes here was pat of the Million Dollar Highway.

“One can only imagine the disappointment felt here,” said one source. “Now we’ll have to change all of our tourist brochures and business cards.”

It was still not clear at press time whether or not Colona is considered a real town by the state due to its Montrose-like zip code and its location in Ouray County.

– Rats Malone

“A trip to heaven is wasted on some, when a simple postcard would satisfy.”

– St. Roscoe of Paddlewheel

Reincarnation More Fun than “Plain Old Death” says Swami

Coming back the earth is far more fun than plain old dropping dead says Mambo Mickey Abduke, a Hindu-Muslim ascetic who resides in Forest Service campgrounds in return for painting signage.

In a departure from policy the Horseshoe bought him lunch the other day and the following dialogue emerged.

We asked him if, metaphysically speaking, more was better than less.

Abduke: No. I think we’re all looking for quality but with reincarnation diversity is at the ultimate end. Fearing ridicule or intolerance people don’t discuss this freely. It is out of our hands, so why worry about what we think?

Horseshoe: What if one could choose his final resting place from the get go?

Abduke: Many want to go to heaven right out of the shoot, heh? They don’t seem to consider coming back here as the pawns of fate. Brothers and sisters in karma. Maybe even death is not entirely about them?

Horseshoe: Interesting. Does coming back so often make one tired?

Abduke: I don’t know but I have an aunt who claims she has experienced over 20 reincarnations, from rat to queen, and she seems to get around pretty well.

Horseshoe: Would some folks who come back as a fly remember a former life say, as a writer or a realtor?

Abduke: Do you remember your former life as a zebra, do you?

STATE DEPARTMENT ISSUES TRAVEL WARNING

(WASHINGTON) U.S. Dept of State – Bureau of Consular Affairs has issued a travel warning for a sagging perimeter between New York and Los Angeles effective midnight tonight EST.

The advisory was posted for travelers to and within the United States due to the existence of “unsafe, unstable institutions, and a population prone to violence.” It went on to say that “Despite rampant jingoism and much flag waving the entire nation is polarized beyond recognition wallowing in the dust swirls of distrust.”

The government agency classified the Eastern Seaboard as sketchy and tourists were urged to employ increased precaution when visiting the region. Meanwhile the Midwest was tagged with a reconsider travel recommendation and the South was labeled as do not travel.

The notification council and comfort status are based entirely on rumors and questionable appraisals by people familiar with these kinds of issues. Experiences depend entirely on a long roster of variables, comfort being comparative and security being relative.

– Warren of Wexley

ANSWERS TO MARCH IQ TEST

1. Probably not

2. The linen closet on a 1958 Oldsmobile

3. Miscellaneous itemized deductions not to exceed 3% of adjusted gross.

4. The outhouse door on a tuna boat

5. Buffalo burgers cause far less gas but are harder to swallow under water.

6. Linseed oil heated to 105 degrees F.

7. Not available without prescription.

8. Hillary Clinton 17, Crocodiles 2

9. Pay-Per-View War

10. Employment of the Devil’s Picture Book turned out to be more effective than collecting all those Iraqi high school year books.

”When the beautiful mulata walks to the sea, the waves are gentle, the wind subsides, the sea is blue-green in emeralds. The sea is pleased.” – Jorge Amado