All Entries Tagged With: "mountain humor"
Yemanja and the Rain – Candomble Chants Awaken the Spirits
Perhaps the drought crept in from Laguna Negra, carried on the fangs of poisonous reptiles from the somewhere where rains persisted and hills were plush with green. Some say so. Already in December a forest fire charred the land and the trees were crisp with foreboding. A lone skinny pine waiting for the next spark, spared the first time around.
The grand affair of fire, rain and rebirth in cactus and acacias has been interrupted. No rain fell along the South Atlantic coast from November to February. Dust has replaced sea breeze. Only the sand is unchanged. This was 2010. In 2021 another even more devastating drought threatens daily life in the country of Uruguay.
Stars and silence were my companions. Living on my wooded land in a field tent offered many pleasures, one of which was not the luxury of cooking over an open fire. I didn’t dare. From November through April I ate a lot of cheese, nuts and apples. I went out for coffee. Beer helps on the more stressful days.
One night I had neighbors from Montevideo at a cabin down the way. They stopped to say hello and seemed impressed with my woodsman within. My tent was complete with airbed, blankets, pillows and sheets. Outside were chairs and a desk along with outhouse, the plans of which were concocted by a famous New York architect Peter Francois, now of Chuy.
Despite tradition there was no bidet anywhere on the property or even an aviary since it as far too dry to rely on carrier pigeons to conduct our daily commerce. Rope and garlic surrounded my leafy perimeter, compliments of a local who said they would keep snakes away. That may have worked since in six-month residency I never saw any one.
Even though the sky rain-coated itself in clouds and darkness there was little moisture in the air. I accepted an invitation to join my neighbors on their patio for a glass of wine. The bunched up woodlands running to the beach afforded a quiet rest from the heat of the day.
After lamenting at the lack of rain one of the young women looking more Gitana than Galician began talking to a Guarani goddess she called Yemanja. The others smiled peacefully familiar with the chanting.
“Oh Yemanja, hear your thirsty children. We are sad and alone. Surely your tears will drench the land and save us from the flames,” she sang out. One of the men told me Yemanja was a sea goddess. The others brought out candles, flowers, perfumes and fruit to decorate an altar for her blessings and approval.
“All your tears will make it rain.”
“Kind of like the Virgin thing, isn’t it,” smirked one of the kids to the frowns of the Gitana. “Isn’t everything in Latin America?” said another.
Candomble is an ancient African religion that passed through the slave markets of Montevideo in the 1600s. Many people still adhere to its colorful rituals, mixing it masterfully with Iberian Catholicism and pieces of the surviving Guarani culture.
The Gitana kept up the chanting, encouraging all to join her, which we did. We sat on the porch focused on the goddess and the rain. An occasional breeze gave us hope. A sense of the sea gave us salty energy. We sipped our wine and tried to concentrate as a group. Nothing but our chanting filled the night. Pleas to Yemanja fell to the dry ground unheard. Our petitions lost on a lonely coast in the middle of the night. Then…solo raindrop. Then another.
We looked at each other part in shock, part in celebration. In moments here would be enough water to dance above, below and between the drops. Then a little more rain and the sandy path home felt good under my bare feet. It had rained.
Two days later a major storm arrived from the east drenching the village and the region for 2 days. The land began to return to normal. All your tears will make it rain.
And I for one don’t care if you buy my story or not. I was there. I heard the chanting. I chanted. It rained all he way through the Pampas to Paysandu and from La Paloma to the Brazilian frontier.
February 2 is the Feast Day for Yemanja when thousands of worshippers descend on beaches from Montevideo to Bahia bearing candles, flowers, perfumes and fruit to petition the goddess of rain to intercede on behalf of a mistreated planet.
McConnell in advanced stage of soft shell disease
(Turtle Cove) Former Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell has been diagnosed with advanced soft shell disease it was disclosed today. The infirmity, while not clearly visible to others, gradually eats away at the conscience causing the victim to lose all sense of honor and clarity.
Many suggest that the health issues are behind McConnell’s agreement to share power with Democrats on Covid legislation.
Persons close to McConnell told reporters that episodes of spinelessness and attempts to distance himself from a monster he helped create were symptoms of soft-shell disease and that McConnell cannot be held accountable for his actions. They further stated that the GOP had kept “this shell thing” quiet since 2018.
“If he had faced the health care options of most Americans he would probably be dead,” said one angry voter who has lost several family members to Covid-19.
“Petty holdups in Congress go a long way to suggest that wealthy elected officials don’t really give a damn about how many people are dying from Covid,” stressed the voter who wished to remain anonymous. “They are fine. Their money is fine. This legislation is one year late. Twelve months of doing almost nothing. Trump had no plan and apparently Congress did not either.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
“What am I doing? Well, I’m lookin’ to fall in with the wrong sort. How about you?”
– Melvin B. Toole, from Date Night in Rifle, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
Trump-free accepted by Merriam Webster
(Orlando) The term Trump-free has been included in the annual updated version of the heralded dictionary due to a spike in common usage over the past year.
This particular dictionary is accepted as the ultimate source for legitimate words, spellings, definitions and grammatical uses. Only valid and vernacular words are included in this roster of English words
Joining caffeine-free, lint-free and gluten-free among others, Trump-free will be listed alphabetically and referenced in the back of the reference book.
Most commonly found in conversations about the 2020 presidential election, the term has waded into the conflicts between money and the environmental state of the planet. It is often used as a predicate noun or even a weak participle but can be applied to a plethora of situations where the speaker embraces the invisible or the lack of presence.
“The left-field right quote the Bible and the Constitution when it benefits them but most have never read either document. It seems the dictionary has fallen victim to the same indifference and ignorance worship,” said one of hundreds of Democratic candidates. “I for one have never seen anyone successfully cherry-pick a reference book like this but there’s a first time for everything.”
– Gabby Haze
Local Man Admits to Packer Slayings
(Crested Butte) G. Roscoe Lovinggood, 99, has admitted to the slayings of his companions and to cannibalism during a gold seeking venture near Lake City in 1874. Taking “full responsibility” for these notorious acts, blamed on Alferd Packer, Lovinggood said he shot Israel Swan and George Noon in self-defense and later gunned down Shannon Bell, James Humphrey and Frank Miller in a rear-guard action following the trios’ objections to his bloody behavior.
Local police remain skeptical since Lovinggood’s age does not match up with the admissions and that he has a history of taking responsibility for other lawless behavior, including the murder of William Julius Barney outside Telluride’s Smuggler Mine in 1902, and for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912.
“While his connection with the Titanic is mathematically feasible, he would have been 4-years-old at the time of the disaster and not a likely suspect,” said one investigating officer. “Besides that foul play was never a consideration in the sinking of the ocean liner. The other two events, however, happened before 1908, his legal date of birth, and therefore must be discounted,” he smirked.
Due to repeated demands that he be taken seriously on this matter, Lovinggood spent one night in the Crested Butte dog pound compliments of the local police force. He remains on limited probation and a fixed income as of this morning.
– Small Mouth Bess
“God knows when you don’t tip,” – Pepper Salt, veteran waitress
That’s why they call it Wild Cat Creek
Colona Bank Robbed in Broad Daylight
Thieves robbed the Seamen’s Credit Union here making off with an assortment of cash, fixtures and promises according to eyewitnesses on the scene. Actually the crooks couldn’t rob it in the dark since it is closed then.
Police believe the crooks to be hold up somewhere in the town’s little known catacombs which reputedly run from one now defunct whorehouse entry to another. One resident reported activity in Colona’s only church steeple but it turned out to be unruly magpies.
“We believe we have a lead or two,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “If there was a donut shop in town we could integrate our efforts with Montrose and San Miguel Counties,” continued the officer. “As it is there isn’t even a place to get a cup of coffee. This could be a long investigation.”
Colona Restricts Business Hours
Called a feeble attempt to control rampant commercialism in the county’s third economic impact municipality, restrictions here strongly indicate a return to the radical isolationism of the past. Despite its prime location atthe head of the valley and its access to the non-existent railroad, mobilized fathers and mothers here appear to be engaged in a painstaking return to simpler times.
Enter The Knifer Ordinance, which severely restricts the amount of work to be done in the village and outlying region. Although controversial at first, merchants and service personnel have adapted well according to the local drone owners association. How all of this will affect the price of bait is anyone’s guess. Here’s a peek:
The San Juan Horseshoe website has volunteered to cut it’s hours to 11:30 – 1 every other Thursday in support of the civic effort. Justman Sawmill will no longer be open 24 hours although it still is literally – just not to the public. Hours of operation at Knifer’s Garage used to be posted on a utility pole across Hotchkiss Avenue but apparently someone took them down. None of these businesses accept appointments or personal checks.
