All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Colorado moves to seize foreign-owned property
(Cookie Tree Lake) The state of Colorado will begin taking possession of all properties owned by non-Coloradoans as part of a far-reaching attempt to reach economic parity in the new year.
In what is called radical by the landed gentry, the plan calls for the seizure and redistribution of all lands and dwellings currently held by non-residents, defined as persons who do not live within the state for at least 9 months per year. Recipients of projected windfall are landless peasants who live and work in Colorado.
Played down at the state house, out-of-state owners will be notified of their status early next week. Foreign property owners will then have six weeks to readjust their resident status to comply with the ruling or risk seizure.
“This is going to have major appeal with one group while negatively impacting the other,” said architect of the bill, Rep Oral Noise (Unitarian-Aurora). “We’re not trying to punish anyone for being rich or to destroy the second home owner phenomenon. We just want these people to live in their houses, spend their money here year-round and support the assortment of social services already available in Colorado. It’s not some socialistic land reform issue. It’s more a matter of justice.”
In the past years many out of towners have bought up pristine lands here, building large homes that are used for only a few weeks or months of the year.
“One doesn’t see many Coloradoans owning trophy homes in Texas or California. It happens but not at the rate that we are seeing in mountain towns within our borders,” said Noise. We only seek to slow down this growing trend toward absentee ownership.”
Attorneys for those affected say they will appeal the rulings on the grounds that private property laws cannot be manipulated in this manner.
“If someone form outside Colorado wants to own a piece of Colorado they should be able to do so,” said one lawyer from his office in Tulsa. “It’s not their fault hat the place is beautiful and that the lifestyle is attractive. Their routines should not be interrupted or dictated by this silly appraisal of the law by communists in Denver.”
Squatters are reminded that they must respect gates and no trespassing signs until this matter is concluded.
– Mongo Congo
“What shall we do with the drunken sailor, early in the morning?” – from The Drunken Sailor
Trump Wall could be built from crumbling infrastructure
(Falfurrias, TX) Architects here agree that materials needed to build the proposed Border Wall between US and Mexico could be easily procured from fallen down and decaying bridges, potholed highways and dubious airport runways still standing, and/or abandoned within the United States.
They conclude that 25% of the concrete, rebar, barbed wire, piping, plastic, stones, fiber reinforced polymers and wood studs and could be easily gathered within a 50-mile radius between Laredo and Corpus Christi. All could be harvested from once vital and imperative physical edifices and configurations that have fallen into ruin and never replaced by any gov’ment.
The proposed Good Neighbor Wall on the US-Mexico border looks a lot like another infamous European wall but unlike its concrete cousin can be built with failed and discarded infrastructure.
When one considers the mass of dysfunctional infrastructure in the country it is easy to imagine it as material for a security wall. When people stop caring for other people and start building walls to keep some in and some out the matter of deteriorating transportation and communication systems takes a back seat.
“See those warped and twisted train tracks over there,” gestured one local builder. “We could make 20 lookout towers with just part of that stash of steel. Crumbling infrastructure like the bricks of low-income housing and tiles of poorly built shopping malls could come in handy too especially with tariffs and environmental red tape.”
Just who would build the wall was not discussed.
Meanwhile a reported 200 tons of Gorilla Glue has arrived near McAllen with more expected at strategic border sectors by the weekend. It was not clear if an accidental rollover of a Mega Lard dumpster was related to these incidents.
“We’re just waiting for that check from Mexico to pay for the erection,” said an anonymous White House Press Secretary who has never told a lie.
– Fred Zeppelin
Future souls made of plastic says Heaven
A majority of souls issued after 2025 will to be made of plastic according to cherubs on offshore clouds, familiar with this sort of thing. The synthetic material is said to be akin to the thin, crisp plastic used for credit cards and exploratory medical procedures.
Heaven has reportedly been running short of the secret raw materials used to construct the traditional soul. In light of the way humans sometimes treat theirs it should come as no surprise that a crisis has emerged.
Generally issued at birth, souls have been the focus of religious and spiritual searching and often seen as the leg up that humans have over other animals. The ancients have alluded to the status of good souls or bad souls but very few really understand the phenomenon of the whole.
Even though we can’t see or touch them we all seem to realize that they are there and that they perform an integral part of being human. The soul is the hinge to integrity, compassion and conscience. Some scientists and clerics believe that not everyone was born with one.
“This could explain the existence of evil people on the planet,” said one faith healer who claims to have identified over 3000 auras in her lifetime. “When we say James Brown had soul we are talking about something altogether different. Soul is what makes us pleasing to the gods. Soul is why we get out of bed in the morning. Soul makes us look up into the sky for something familiar.
“Just because someone is soulless doesn’t mean they are heartless too,” said our source. “We can offer these chronic sufferers forehead chips that will substitute for a real soul. The recipient will notice heightened awareness of other beings and a sense of belonging which may not be advantageous in these mean times.
Look: Manfred Sycamore, recognized as the last full time elevator operator in North America (working at at Omaha’s now shabby Downtown Ribeye Hotel) claims that the souls of the dead ride with him on the elevator all the time.
“There’re eight of them in here right now,” said Sycamore, and I’m expecting another batch after the movie lets out.
To find out if you have a soul dial 1 800- OMY-SOUL. Warning: We are experiencing a high volume of calls.
Bannon May Have Met With Fallen Angels
On the heels of indictments and guilty pleas new evidence has emerged linking former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon to the infamous Fallen Angels of Islamic and Christian lore.
The encounter allegedly took place last month in Antarctica where the Rebel Angels have reportedly been imprisoned since being expelled from Heaven before the dawning of mortal man.
In Milton’s Paradise Lost we meet Sinner Angels who, after a great battle with the Good Angels, led by Michael the Archangel, were hurled to earth to mix with and terrorize the unholy there.
According to a subpoena issued yesterday, Bannon was seen leaving Antarctica but never actually observed in the company of demons. He is suspected of visiting with Abezethibou (the one-winged Red Sea fallen angel) and Valefor (the many-headed lion).
Two others from of the fallen pack have agreed to testify in the case in return for reduced sentences. They are Beelzebub and Asmodeus, two royals in Hell. They did not capsulize any conversations but said the topic was most definitely centered on the Midterm Elections in November.
Bannon denied any wrongdoing adding only that demographics should never be confused with pictures of Satan.
“Isn’t it enough to be an angel or a demon?” asked one journalist covering the story. “What’s all this arch nonsense? This whole story smells of a rat. I think the parable was created so as to discourage people from rebelling against authority. It’s all about control,” he said.
Meanwhile the White House denied knowing Bannon at least three times before yielding to The Sarah Huckabee Sanders Cartoon Show aired on FOX that afternoon.
-Tommy Middlefinger
BIGFOOT, MISSING LINK CHECK IN FOR FALL
Bigfoot, (aka Yetti, Sasquatch,Loup-garou, Ucumar, Hoodoo, Grass Man, Yowi, Boggy Bill and Bad Smelling Tree Man) who has been vacationing in Miami since May, is expected back in Western Colorado by November.
“He’ll pop in after all these people go home,” said an unconfirmed source in the Everglades.
A large, suspicious looking creature, believed to be Bigfoot, was recently sighted near Almont on Friday
He’s frightened by fires and traffic.”
A Welcome Home Bigfoot celebration will be held in conjunction with the November Trout Are Us Banquet at Mañana Electric Shaver Square on November 6. (Held indoors unless in rains). Let’s hope the cookies and milk left out by the Salivation Army do the trick and he shows up.
Legend has it that Bigfoot had been spending his winters in the West Elk Wilderness and has been spotted wandering along Kebler Pass and as far south as Baldwin. Whether a surviving Neanderthal, an ape-man or simply a seven-foot-tall skinny dude that needs a bath and a shave, Bigfoot commands quite a presence.
Bigfoot sighting exactly two seconds before photographer was reunited with camera. “That boy is quicker than a fox if only half as smart.”
In a related piece local police say they are days away from cornering the Missing Link who has been on the lamb since 1969. “The Link” as his cult followers call him, is wanted in connection with genetic sacrilege and species diversion in four states.
In addition there are a bounty of county warrants accusing The Link of rigid transparency, conjured up simplemindedness and of aggravated evasion concerning issues such as origin and eternity.
He is also wanted in Grand Junction for loitering.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
“We are definitely alone out there, orbiting our chosen star like an onion bagel in the vast Universe.”
– Abe Salmon, Famous Ridgway Loxsmith
