All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Catholic Church Adopts Wells Fargo PR Campaign
(Rome) The Vatican is about to unleash an aggressive ad campaign intending to spit and polish its tainted image after news of further sexual abuses on young children by priests in Pennsylvania.
The public relations attempts are closely modeled on an attempted cleansing by Wells Fargo Bank, a financial institution indicted for fraud and subsequently fined $185 million by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
The church appears perched to embrace the bank’s struggle to regain credibility began earlier this summer with the slogan “Earning back your trust – Our Recommitment to You” which pleads guilty as charged but promises to be good in the future.
“We are reinventing ourselves,” said a spokesman for the Vatican.
Will the ad campaigns sound like this?
Wells fargo – Established 1852 AD Reestablished 2018 – (Yes, we were crooks but forgive us and we’ll try to be honest the next go round.)
The Catholic Church: Established 1 AD Reestablished 2018.
Wells Fargo was indicted for creating fraudulent accounts without the consent of clients. The bank could face another $1 billion in fines over fraud that forced customers to purchase unnecessary car insurance during the scam to bilk people of their money.
The Catholic Church has lost credibility due to continued sexual assaults on children and the powerless people they are in theory suppose to be helping.
Both could face further civil and criminal suits. Wells Fargo answers to few while the Church answers to no one (unless maybe all the fear-mongering about Heaven and Hell jargon is actually true).
The concept of “earning back your trust” is a relative term since many worldwide would never consider trusting known predators like these…persons of trust, no?
Wells fargo had planned a campaign including an endorsement by preachers on the payroll but they dropped the idea because lawyers feared legal action. Same with Church – only they planned to bring in the Price of Darkness himself to scare their flocks back into submission.
The bank’s new Victim Account pays back lost funds but does little to protect people’s credit rating often lowered as a result of the fraud. It looks to be another whitewash. Meanwhile the Church has done little or nothing to correct the sins a longstanding predators. Will the betrayals and cover-ups continue?
Our team will continue to work to redeem itself and salvage the confidence of our designated flocks,” said an attorney working with both entities. “Trust may have gone out the window but in time people will forget and walk right through the front door again.”
One customer at Wells Fargo said it best: “I bank there because I like stage coaches.”
No convincing concern for victims. More sincere ad campaign might be Please excuse our sociopathic manner – We got caught but we’re trying to convince you that we are nice now.
Yes, life is good if you are on the top of the revolving egg.
These developments have left many of us wondering whether criminal deeds like these should prevent both of these institutions from doing business in the country at all.
What then is gained by dazzling the fool?
Wells Fargo has put on its dirty white hat and increased minimum wage paid to tellers and non-executive personnel. Will the Vatican share it’s immense wealth with the poor of the planet? Most likely not.
–Melvin Toolini
“I only drink to make others interesting.” – Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
Incredible benefits of hemp (continued)
By now we have all heard about the wondrous benefits of THC, CBD oil and hemp. Are these claims valid? These people think so.
“My husband broke his arm during his high wire act on Monday and by Thursday it was just like new thanks to cannabis,” says Marcelle Pesterman.
“He’s doing flips and working out on the rings just like before. What would he have done without it?”
“I was on experimental pharmaceuticals for ten years but now I just take two pills made of marijuana and coconut cream and no more pain. I give it to the cats and dogs and even my house plants.”
– Neville Hoser, Manchester City
“I lost a toe to a lawn mower in 2017. Then I started taking hemp pills and in just three months it grew back as good as new.”
– Beyone Dynamite, Las Vegas, NM
“I fell 13 stories and bounced right back up because of my hemp clothing. It insulates and it kept me from zero tolerance with the pavement. I said goodbye to cotton and polyester. Imagine where I’d be today without a little THC!”
– Chad Rammerbean, Delta, CO
“I used to get lots of speeding tickets but now with hemp I have slowed way down and can even smell the roses at 30 mph. Today I go with the flow. I don’t worry anymore.”
– Xeno Phobichek
Marianne Marvelous says it saved her from a life of crime. The former fracking model was headed down the path of alcohol and destructive drugs when she discovered the benefits of a bong hit in the morning. Today she sips an occasional glass of wine and hits the hay at dusk. “No more social trauma. No more frantic mornings. No more questionable people hanging in the parking lot. If there is a stairway to heaven its made of hemp,” she asserts.
– Stoned in Oklahoma City
“I tried everything for hair loss but when I started eating specially prepared hemp and herbs daily I was a regular at the barber shop.”
– Roscoe Sainte
See what cannabis can do for you!
Learn more: Pot Saved My Puppy! She was housebroken in 2 days!
Raiders Las Vegas Stadium to feature jail and courtroom
Las Vegas Stadium, the new home of the Las Vegas Raiders in 2020 will feature jail cells, judges and gavels to as to deal with unruly fans. Those caught fighting will have seats and season tickets revoked.
The National Football team has called Oakland home for 45 years. It will now play home games in Paradise, Nevada near the watered-down pseudo-sin city out there in the desert.
Stadium security, manned by regular Las Vegas Strip Cops, will attempt to embrace some sort of normality, despite the presence of the NFL’s most disrespectful and disrespected fans base cameos. Genuine Raider football fans should be ashamed of their fellows who miss the point of competitive sports altogether.
Raider fans: Not really so bad ass after all. Is something wrong here?
“These people, these Halloween imbeciles and black attention seekers are nothing more than a distraction from what’s going on on the field,” said former coach Spike Sahara “Considering the level of play in the past ten years that may be a positive. Today it is a ridiculous sideshow performed by narcissistic bullies and costumed thugs who firmly believe that it is all about them. They could be a roller derby for all they know.”
Many pro sources around the league quietly agree saying the gothic and grandiose conduct represents what is wrong with our country and ask why this kind of social interaction is tolerated and even embraced by a lower segment of the intellect and an even lower status of passive aggressive behavior.
“We’ve had years of practice dealing with these types,” said one Las Vegas officer. “Don’ forget – Las Vegas has been the epicenter of professional wrestling since the 70s”
“Despite the contradictions in his remarks, Ali was convinced he could be an effective diplomat — the “Black Henry Kissinger,” as he put it.” – from Ali-A Life by Jonathan Eig. (Mohammed Ali had offered to trade himself for the Iran hostages in 1979)
Chiefs Chargers, Even Raiders Picked to Finish Ahead of Broncos
As usual the jock-inspired TV whizzes have picked our boys to finish last in the AFC West again in 2018. But here is a second opinion, a very specific projection of the 2018 season written September 6. Keep for handy reference or file under “disrespect continues” and the next time you engage in an intimate correspondence with mlb.com remind them that we have a baseball team in Denver…Yes, right there in the National League and all.
SEAHAWKS – Opening game in Colorado marred by rain. Wilson gets to know Chubb. Seattle backs reacquaint themselves with Miller. Methodical victories are still victories when the clock runs out. Broncos 24 -10
RAIDERS – Keenan Coming Out Party. He throws for 4 touchdowns. Ex-Raider Marquette King pins his former team within their own 5 yard line four different times. Broncos defense dominates 36 – 7
RAVENS – Bad boys meet bad men. Broncos travel for one of those terrible 11 am game on the East Coast but walk away with victory 17-10. Royce Freeman runs for 100 yards. Kyle Haley records 25 tackles.
CHIEFS– KC picked but gets picked by the likes of Josey Jewel (2), Bradley Roby and Chris Harris Jr. I wonder where that guy Smith is today. Denver 27 – 13
JETS – In the Big Apple this “breather game” almost gets out of hand. Two returns by Phillip Lindsay (one punt and one kickoff in the 4th) save the day for Denver 24 – 17.
RAMS – Perhaps the toughest team on the schedule. 20 inches of snow on Saturday helps the Bronco cause if not the congestion around whatever they are calling the stadium this year. This pivotal victory redefines the season, making the 5- 0 Broncos 6-0 and making believers out of everyone in the Rockies. Denver 12 Rams 10.
CARDINALS – This Thursday matchup unveils a stunning aerial show with a slew of play-action grinders, sideline ballet and runs up the gut. Chad Kelly starts for ailing Case Keenum (food poisoning on Colfax) and throws for 600 yards. Is he the franchise in franchise?
CHIEFS – At Arrowhead where we must endure that idiot chopping chant. Despite the pressures of 7-0 the Broncos start hitting right off the bus and demolish the KC team 45 – 10. Devonte Booker runs for 200 years. Chad Kelly throws for 450. Betsy DeVos reportedly in the stands but to the chagrin of dwindling support base is wearing institutional green, presumably in support of food poisonings on Colfax.
TEXANS – Formidable team visits Denver. Jake Butts shows everyone why he is so highly rated catching two TD passes from Case Keenum. Late in the game he recovers an on-side kick attempt season the game for the Broncos 24 – 7. Defense allows less than 100 yards passing and rushing.
CHARGERS – Southern California after a bye week watches as the Broncos dismantle the highly rated San Diego defense while stifling the Charger offense with 5 turnovers in the first half. Emanuel Sanders and Demaryius Thomas put on a clinic catching a combined 18 passes in the 42 – 6 “upset”.
STEELERS – This much anticipated match pits the best two teams in the AFC in Denver. Big Ben knocked out in first quarter. Denver turns the tables on Pittsburgh with the blitz and the Denver offensive line controls the scrimmage points. Until the Play-offs then…
BENGALS – Away games in December have been an issue before but not in the Queen City. Von Miller records three sacks and Derek Wolfe creates and recovers a fumble on the Bengal 3. Bradley Roby makes an interception to seal this close one. Denver 31 Cincinnati 24.
49ERS – Surprisingly improved but still a few players short the 49ers lead the entire game only to be beat by a 94-yard punt return with 20 seconds to go. Broncos 20- 14. A perfectly executed block at the 10-yards line by fullback Andy Janovich springs Lindsay who races up the sideline to the end zone.
BROWNS – They must have improved since last week. The Broncos score 28 in the first half with Case Keenum then bring in Chad Kelly who throws for 3 more scores in the second half just because he can. NFL considers limiting the number of Irish quarterbacks on each team in 2019. Courland Sutton crosses the goal line twice with a loaf of brown bread from the two play callers.
RAIDERS – Ah, Christmas Eve with our friends in Black and Silver. Despite all the wanna be circus entertainers in the stands the play on the field is outstanding. Could the Broncos lose one? No, Denver prevails on a fluke safety and a recovered on-side kick that sets up a meaningless last second field goal. Broncos survive 18 – 14. They are now 15 – 0.
CHARGERS – Despite sitting many starting players, both of these play-off bound crews exchange touchdowns at a high-scoring tempo. Keenum throws for nearly 700 years while the starters prepare for post season. Broncos go 16 – 0 with this ridiculous 56 – 42 win.
If you disagree with these projections please move to another state. (New Mexico, Wyoming, Western Kansas, Utah and Nebraska don’t count).
PLAYOFFS
Denver knocks off Pittsburgh 21-14 and New England 36 – 10 to advance to the Super Bowl where they meet and defeat the New Orleans Saints by a touchdown.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Warning to tourists and hunters:
“Be on the alert for sinkholes.” Manana County Sheriff warns tourists on sinkhole dangers – too much weight on land – Time to cry “uncle” on vagabond tourism? It could happen at any minute. Once you were there – Now you’re not. Have been known to eat up entire villages and wreck havoc on the landscape.
Meanwhile mean bear and mountain lion have taken to inhabit these sinkholes waiting to pounce on unsuspecting prey. If you see anything suspicious call a geologist immediately!
Scribe busted for reading to homeless
(Fort Palm, FL) Editor Emeritus, Polly Parvenu, has been arrested and charged with reading to the homeless in this swank plastic land on the ocean. She had been accused of breaking a host of rigid ordinances, aimed at diminishing the homeless population in the region.
Parvenu says she is only doing good by reaching out homeless people and invited all to persons of integrity to help those who are less advantaged,
The longtime journalist has pleaded guilty to giving out hot paragraphs, high protein sentences, bowls of adjectives and cans of dangling participles to the needy this fall.
Despite ordinances the prohibit this kind of brotherly love she has pledged to continue the literary social service as soon as the cops let her go.
“We have restrictions in place not because we are mean, insensitive, greedy, xenophobic, racist, unhappy, resentful, frightened, suspicious, angry people but simply because we don’t want to be overrun by vagabonds during the winter months,” said a chamber of comments source. “That is our high season and we want to show a calm, collect, affluent and pseudo-tropical face. The last thing we need is needy people on the beach.”
Parvenu insists that sharing knowledge has never been against the law and that the transient population here will not rise or fall because of a few story hours. She adds that stories give many of these people a respite from the horrors of poverty.
“It’s becoming a crime to be poor in this country,” said Parvenu. “I want to see to it that it’s a crime to embrace ignorance.”
If convicted Parvenu will served 30 days in the library rather than pay a fine.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
“Poor Ash Judd…caught up with the Texans and climbed with them yet another snake fence. He saw woods fair ahead. There were such storms of balls emanating from those woods that Ash could could just about see them in the air like insects.”
– from The Confederates by Thomas Keneally
