All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
Television Networks Seek Vampires
(New Jork) Global television networks are seeking vampires to cover violent stories that occur throughout the world it was disclosed today. The television bosses reportedly are convinced that serious blood suckers would do the best job bringing the reality of violence into the homes of millions.
The announcement has already generated a mass response on the part of the general vampire population, a group that has historically been plagued by job discrimination and underemployment due in part to alleged skin conditions and preferred hours of circulation.
“All one has to do is observe the behavior of these pathetic TV scribes, these mental pygmies determined to get to the source of the news with no concern for the human feelings of the victims to see why vampires are now ascending the ladder of success in mega media,” said a Manhattan head hunter, herself a recovering vampire.
Rest assured that employment opportunities herein will be based on merit however I suggest
showing up for the interview early with portfolio in order…and wear something black.”
“Hub” Early Qualifier for Robot Cops
New meets old in Montrose
(Montrose) By virtue of its new status as an All-American City this Western Colorado locale may qualify for millions of dollars in federal funding to establish an elite robot police force here. The money, which is designated for urban planning, traffic arteries and asphalt, as well as high-tech law enforcement, should start pouring in before the end of the year.
There will be no immediate changes in the police force according to a city council spokesman who has hired over 200 police recruits over the past three years. It is estimated that it may take up to five years to transform the police department from human to robot.
“We have the highest ratio of police to citizens in North America already,” said the councilperson, admitting he is sometimes afraid of several of the more outspoken officers. “Even though our crime rate is rising we think they are performing a great service to the community. We haven’t made any headway with the creeping meth problem but we have certainly arrested a slew of citizens and visitors for DUI and our adherence to the Say No To Drugs campaign has netted the city a fleet of fancy new four-wheel-drives. We appear to be on the right track.”
Montrose plans to retrain the existing police force in alternative occupations such as prison guards and private security positions. Some police will remain in their positions as supervisory personnel.
“We don’t feel the robots will work well in environs where a human factor is prevalent,” said the councilman. “Besides, the software needed to run these robots is not compatible with anything more than strict law enforcement and control of the population by whatever means is deemed necessary.”
Robot police can easily walk a beat for 24 hours if necessary without using fossil fuel or needing lunch or even a coffee break, which could save the city a bundle in operating expenses. Rather than a salary these metal gumshoes exist on minimum maintenance and follow orders to the ultimate without emotional attachment or detachment. Sophisticated sensors built in to every robot often put these space-age constables at the scene of the crime before the crime happens.
“We’ve lost some good people over the years and now they won’t have to risk their lives in the line of fire,” continued the source. “Nobody needs a bullet-proof vest or radios to call for backup.”
Robot cops operating secretly in other US cities have been found to be an effective deterrent to crime for the above stated reasons and because no upstanding criminal wants to be hauled in by a machine, especially one that cannot be distracted, bribed or intimidated. In experimental enforcement scenarios crooks have learned not to push the envelope since these robots are no nonsense crime fighters programmed to show little restraint and quite prepared to take control if the situation demands more intensity.
Uncooperative perpetrators risk a backhand or a head butt, which carries more clout than a billy club.
“Rather than dwell on the violent side of this measure, we feel it is important to understand that innocent citizens have nothing to fear from the robots, unless of course programming systems fail or software issues emerge in the heat of battle,” said the councilman.
Rumors that the new police battalion would be crafted from local resources at Recla Metals have been deemed false and vehemently denied by all concerned with the final phase of the procedure.
“The robot cops will arrive in large crates with extensive instructions. Some assembly may be required,” said a strong proponent of the plan who requested anonymity. “The manufacturer uses only the finest US steel and the robots are fabricated for longevity and multiple use. Just a little car wax and they look as good as new.”
Citizens can expect to see the new police force on the streets sometime in 2014. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Brawl-Marts closing over terrorist threats
(Banditville AR) Most of the nation’s Brawl-Mart stores will close today in response to what security forces there are calling serious calculated threats against the discount chain. The danger was apparently detected through wire-tapping and a worldwide spy network created to discover and ferret out plans of violent dimensions before they are enacted.
Despite all the hoopla nobody really knows who the terrorists might be since the Brawl-Mart empire has made countless enemies due to greedy business practices and a clear desire to dominate world retail markets. Islamic radicals, free market advocates, consumer watchdogs, sociologists, mental health professionals, persons of good taste and many small business concerns are all suspect as the investigation widens.
“Most of the people who shop at Brawl-Mart haven’t a clue as to what their consumption does to the economy,” said a class action suit filed against the retail giant last week. What we need in this country is pride in our culture not adherence to hypnotic consumerism and the chronic willingness to accept the mundane.”
Brawl-Mart is expected to lose millions per day in the shutdowns, which could easily stretch into the holidays. Think of it – – Christmas without Brawl Mart. People might actually stay within their means and secure thoughtful, personal gifts given in the proper spirit, rather than mass-produced junk that no one really needs anyway. They might buy gifts because they love people rather than because society tells them to do so. They might enjoy shopping in an environment that is pleasant and nurturing, not plastic and mindless.
“Imagine a household of an addicted consumer, armed with a credit card headed to buy anything in arm’s reach,” said one behavior analyst. This kind of activity can ruin a family, a marriage, and a bank account. Maybe with the temporary demise of Brawl-Mart these kinds of sick people can regain their sense of priority and break the mold, kick the habit and go on to lead more meaningful lives as a result.”
Conversations among known terrorist organizations have pinpointed attacks on many giant corporate chains, seeing them as the flower of god-less consumerism and disregard for the needs of those impoverished in the world. Authorities have intercepted blueprints for a series of excursions into the heart of mainstream America.
“How long do you think the bombings will be restricted to Baghdad and Beirut?” said the behaviorist.
“The Yemenis are full of shit,” said one Homeland Security bigwig, who used to sell tires before 9/11. “They didn’t thwart, prevent or foil any terrorist activity back during last month’s embassy closing scare. We’re not counting on them to do anything but cash our checks. That way we can aim our clones at whomever we like. We just hope they don’t get clones too.”
In a related development the Pentagon and the Department of Education have released a combined statement saying essentially that the two had conspired to bomb Brawl-Marts in 2009 and 2011: The educators would give its blessing and the military would lower the boom.
Extensive studies carried out at major research institutions have concluded that the bombing strikes could raise the national IQ by 35 points in some more destructive target areas. Sadly, the plan was scrapped due to moral blowback, which landed on the joint chiefs and threatened the daily operations of the war colleges nearby.
– Susie Compost
FACEBOOK FACED WITH COPYRIGHT VIOLATIONS
(El Lay) Facebook, the popular social media mogul, is facing a series of lawsuits over copyright violations centering around the word friend. For years the computer-driven communications power has employed the word friend to categorize and define certain status on its pages. But now citizen and government groups are protesting.
“The concept of friend should not be tarnished by generic use in this manner,” said an attorney for one group calling itself Friends of Friends. A real friendship is not something one can gain by jerking around with a computer. It is real and from the heart.”
Another group, angry at what it says is “just another impersonal corporate scheme” plans to boycott Facebook, which it says is stupid to begin with, and offers no real social exchange or productive results.
“Do people sit around all day making love to their laptops? asked Slim Tinkleholland, a recovering Facebook junkie. “Friendship is sacred and we should not allow these companies to intrude in the very fiber of our existence, our very humanness. It’s all we have to separate us from the mess that goes on at knee level all around us. Before you know it these haughty cyber coyotes will be in bed with us all, for a price mind you.
“We must learn to stop being sheep and stand up for what is good and honest. Abuses of this type cannot be tolerated in a free society,” said Tinkleholland.
Leading antagonists seek to force Facebook to use terms such as acquaintance or congenial or significant other instead of friend in their cordial regimentation. – Fred Zeppelin
Dickel Perfect – Let’s Run With it
(Washington) The swift and unanimous approval of George Dickel as Director of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should come as no surprise to Americans who stay alert and pay attention.
After years of infighting and aggravated partisanship, both the House and Senate have come together to surprise some and alarm others. Dickel is perfect (on the rocks or neat, chased down the throat with a nice cold beer).
The new ATF boss is an amazing fit. He not only drinks excessive amounts of alcohol daily but smokes like a branding fire that even the cows can’t stomp out.
His credentials improve as we look at his relationship with weaponry. According to family members he has over 40 assault rifles and as many handguns stored at his bunker (address shielded). In addition it is common knowledge that Dickel has access to tanks, missiles and artillery in case there’s an upheaval.
When the poop hits the air circulation device try calling a liberal. That’s what George always says.
Despite these indiscretions, Dickel has never been stopped for drunk driving, died of lung cancer or committed a felony associated with his arsenal.
All real patriots should stand up and cheer that the congress has finally confirmed, in not sanctioned, a man with the tools to lead.
Detroit in big trouble
(Miracle Mile) The city of Detroit has had a bad month. First there is the foreclosure thing with one of the creditors, the Bank of America, which announced $23 billion in profits in the last quarter. Most of the excess comes from late fees and credit cards charges according to bosses within the walls of gold. One might think with figures like this under their belt the bank might show a little tolerance but…
It’s tough top say if Detroit deserves what it is getting. Years of economic downturn and fiscal flight from the city has left it in shambles. Then the fat cats pull the final rug. It’s kind of like the millionaires in Congress debating minimum wage.
And where is the mainstream media? Protecting its backside as usual. Maybe they were too busy covering celebrity bake-offs, PED scandals, gay marriage and the price of bullets.
The Fourth Estate, owned by the rich, failed to report on the coke spill too. Read this:
Our Koch Tea Party Buddies
… & North Fork Neighbors…
Toxic cloud of tar sands waste travels from Detroit to Canada
A massive cloud of black dust that swept across the Detroit River into Windsor, Canada this week has been linked to piles of petroleum coke, a by-product of tar sands oil illegally stored in Detroit by Koch Carbon.
Though much has already been said of the tar sands oil industry, which is currently experiencing a boom and has spurred several high profile pipeline expansions across the US, the accumulation of the petroleum coke, commonly referred to as pet coke, along the Detroit riverfront went largely unnoticed until this week.
A dust cloud which flew over Detroit and into Windsor this week was found to carry elevated traces of lead, sulfur, zinc and vanadium, which is possibly cancer-causing in humans in prolonged or elevated exposure, according to the International Agency for Research on Cancer, a France-based organization. The US Department of Health and Human Services and the US has not yet classified whether vanadium is carcinogenic.
Last Saturday evening Windsor resident Randy Emerson managed to capture a video of the thick black dust moving along the city’s waterfront.
“Is that the pet coke?” Emerson, who captured the scene on his cellphone, asked his wife.
“Oh my God,” he concluded. “Yep — that’s pet coke.”
In May the New York Times profiled the Detroit dumping grounds of pet coke at an industrial site owned by Koch Carbon, a company controlled by wealthy industrialists Charles and David Koch, which sells the high-sulfur, high-carbon by-product overseas in China and India where it serves as a cheaper, dirtier alternative to coal. There is also strong demand for the by-product in Latin America, where it is used in cement-making kilns.
The refining process known as coking releases oil from tar sands, and leaves petroleum coke as its by-product. According to the Times Canada currently has 79.8 million tons of pet coke stockpiled, most of which is dumped into open pits and ponds in Alberta, and the rest is simply piled up.
Marathon Petroleum’s refining plant in Detroit is currently processing some 28,000 barrels a day of tar sands oil, and the increase of oil sands into the US, including transportation through the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, will also bring more of the coking processing and waste product to the US.
Coke is an ingredient in steel making and the production of aluminium, though according to a petroleum coke analyst at Roskill Information Services cited by the Times high sulfur content in this particular type of pet coke make it virtually unusable for those purposes.
It was only last November that exports of pet coke produced by Canadian oil sands began to arrive at the site, and seemed to catch local government off guard.
“Here’s a little bit of Alberta,” said Brian Masse, a Windsor’s parliament members in May. “For those that thought they were immune from the oil sands and the consequences of them, we’re now seeing up front and center that we’re not.”
According to Lorne Stockman, the author behind a recent study on petroleum coke, the waste is “the dirtiest residue from the dirtiest oil on earth
This week residents who spoke to Michigan Radio said they had found pet coke dust inside their homes, and videos of a large, black cloud moving across the Detroit River were posted on social media.
It’s blowing onto the neighborhood,” said Nick Schroek, director of the Great Lakes Environmental Law Center. “People are having to clean their homes regularly to deal with the dust. There’s parks nearby where children are playing that are being impacted by the fugitive dust blowing off the pile.”
Company representatives for Detroit Bulk Storage who handle the industrial site have said they were not aware that they required a permit to openly store pet coke in Detroit’s riverside, though they have been following “best practices” in handling the piles of pet coke waste.
Regardless, Detroit Bulk Storage is facing strong resistance from the city for a permit, and it has rejected suggestions that it cover the pet coke piles, instead relying on a sealing epoxy to prevent “fugitive dust” from escaping the site.
Detroit mayor Dave Bing said in a statement that he will require more information on the effects of pet coke.
“I want to make it clear that Detroit is not a dumping ground and residents of southwest Detroit deserve to be protected from industrial by-products,” Bing said.
Detroit Bulk announced earlier in July that it has stopped accepting new shipments of pet coke. Koch Carbon, which did not respond to a request for comment from the Toronto Star, has said that it plans to store the pet coke in another, as yet undetermined US state. – RT Web News
