All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
US Musicians Orchestrated Cairo Coup Says Ex-Drummer
Sons of Sinai in Egypt in 2012
(Alexandria) Musical unknowns may have orchestrated the military coup in Egypt which brought down the democratically elected government of Mohammed Morsi and the Muslim brotherhood. According to a drummer who used to play with the Sons of Sinai, a rock band, members of the group were highly instrumental in the actions that changed the leadership here in early July.
Although the United States denied direct manipulation in the events that led to the military takeover, it shared no denial or hastily concocted comment on the alleged seizure of power.
Dubbed Operation Musical Chairs by cynics here and in Washington, the effort has been downplayed with the primary security and diplomatic agencies disavowing any knowledge of the action. Most say that if synthesization occurred, it was without their consent.
“None of these developments followed the normal chain of command,” said a former bass player now overseeing CIA high notes in the Mideast. “It was not our perception that aggressive means like these had been implemented.”
The often unreliable source spoke under the conditions of anonymity due to roll playing and secretive meanderings about the Capitol. He assured reporters that his office would begin to get down to the truth of this matter “someday soon”.
“We don’t want people going around thinking the United States is intentionally intruding into the business of another sovereign nation,” said the shadow mouthpiece. “I cannot say any more at this time. If the puppet masters knew I was talking to the media I could lose my head and endanger my family.”
The drummer in question who first blew the whistle on the whole mess has not been seen or heard from since he first came out with the initial accusations. He is believed to be safe and in the custody of the Justice Department at an unidentified penal installation out of the country. According to sketchy details released by his attorney he (the drummer) played with the alleged musician conspirators for only a few gigs “and would have had no knowledge of any clandestine activities of the other band members.”
It is not known how long he will be held in protective custody.
“Everyone knows drummers can’t be trusted, not with vital information, not with money and certainly not with the girlfriends or wives of the others in the band,” said Eva Holesumme, a former lead singer with the Sons of Sinai.
Considering the millions in foreign aid given to the army (and certainly not to the people) it could be easily argued that the US might have had the power to encourage or discourage a takeover by the military. Many political watchdogs on both the Potomac and the Nile conclude that it would be implausible to think the Americans had no influence with the ruling generals. The longtime fiscal balancing act all but dictates that the Egyptian armed services would be called on to pay an outstanding debt someday.
“If one entity pays another entity that kind of money the receiving entity is liable and, logically speaking, might likely be controlled or predisposed by those purse strings,” said Omar Silte, of the Fairness to Egypt League, headquartered in Washington. “One reality is clear enough: The Egyptian military did not act contrary to US interests and thus jeopardize its payday. The refusal to use the word coup is only a gov’ment sidestep to insure the bucks keep rolling into the army’s coffers.”
Both Holesumme and Silte, himself a gifted percussionist, recently disappeared while walking their dogmas near the White House over the weekend. Police called the two incidents “unrelated and probably the result of petty crime or the unseasonably hot weather”.
Suspicions of US involvement came to a head soon after the exchange of power in Cairo according to multi-national journalists working there. Several pointed to precedents set way back in 1953 when democratically elected Mohammad Mosaddeq was melodiously deposed in Iran and the Shah brought back to the throne. His crime: Nationalizing the oil companies so that the Iranian people, and not British Petroleum, might benefit from that natural resource.
“We can talk about the jazz quartet that brought down Salvador Allende in Chile in 1973 and the seemingly progressive folk group the undermined the existing government in South Vietnam in 1963,” said a reporter for Al Jazeera. “Maybe we could peek in at other incidents involving the woodwind quartet that successfully rid the world of (Our boy) Saddam Hussein. Then we have Guatemala’s Jacobo Arbenz Guzman in 1954 (quick strike United Fruit piano sextet) and (our other buddy who knew too much) Manuel Noriega (Subliminal Navy Glee Club). Guzman’s crime was redistribution of land to the peasantry…. land stolen from the people and set aside for corporate interests in the United States. The other two criminals were set up/created by the US and taken down when they got too big for their britches.”
The shameful list goes on. The Kingdom of Hawaii (Marching band, 1893), Brazil (Big band, 1964), Cambodia (Choral choir, 1970). All music to the ears of the plutocrats in Washington.
Another scribe reminded readers that to musically galvanize another country’s power base is an intrusion of irreproachable dimension and is illegal under international law.
“As one can see by the evidence presented after the Egyptian coup d’ etat (the action that wasn’t labeled as such by the US) the track record of the United States is nothing short of totalitarian,” continued a reporter for the London Times.
“Since 1945 the monkey business carried out by the United States government in the name of its citizens has been ineffective, incurious and flat immoral,” continued the newsman. “It is the policy of a ruling party in bed with the wealthy and dedicated solely to the betterment of their pocketbooks. If someone (even its own expendable citizens) or some country gets squashed that’s just collateral damage — The rich made plenty of money and therefore the action was a victory! Meanwhile the American people continue to believe that their country has its heart in the right place when it has little if any heart at all”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Scientists Discover Four New Species at Nuclear Site
(Richland, WA) Biologists here have found several new species of plants and insects while exploring parts of the government’s Hanford nuclear reservation that had been off limits since 1945.
“We are very exited. It may be the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience something unique in our otherwise workaday world,” said botanist Katy Betz of Bellingham.
The new plant was discovered when botanists noticed bladder pods, which usually bloom in May, blooming in July and August. This particular plant was 75 feet tall with silver hairs, yellow flowers and an insatiable appetite for the small fury creatures (also unique to modern science) that roam the facility’s floor.
The new insects, numbering two distinct species themselves, were once members of the leaf cutting group but are now much larger. They feed on plant juices and the blood of carnivores. They look a bit like cicadas on steroids.
The other insects seem quite afraid of them,” said Betz.
“And people are worried about the safety of our nuclear programs,” she laughed.
– Dinty Moore
Happy Hour at State Prisons Raises Eyebrows
Happy hour in prison? Thirsty rehab or same old punishment?
(Canon City) First it was karaoke, then bake sales to raise money for families of convicts, now it’s a daily happy hour. Since last month prison guards and prisoners have mixed for an hour each day sipping tea-strong cocktails and swilling 3.2 beer. The social hour, catering to all but the maximum security population, has been credited with a distinct drop in hostility toward big house authorities and a decrease in recurring prison violence that has plagued the institution from the onset.
People incarcerated learn to look forward to the simplest experiences to escape from the daily ritual of prison life according to warden Emile Turlo.
“Imagine sitting in a cell all day without free access or socialization,” he said. “Sure most of the inmates get a few hours in the yard and there are mealtimes in the mess hall but overall the system creates long hours alone which are not particularly helpful with rehabilitation.”
Some state Republicans are highly critics of the happy hour saying that prisoners do not deserve these kinds of freedoms.
“When they broke the law they gave up their rights,” said Rep. Owen Blackman, himself a white collar petty thief before he got religion and hooked up with the party. “These people are in jail to be punished not to be wined and dined.”
Blackman is concerned not only because alcohol is served but that the prison commissary has been offering meatless and low cholesterol meals on the weekends.
“What are we doing raising a crop of vegan crooks, a crew of health conscious criminals who might just live to a ripe old age. Why can’t they eat nutritional fast food like the rest of us?”
Warden Turlo told the media that many of the inmates are drug offenders who plea bargained their lives away due to anxious cops and bad legal advice.
“Often public defenders are buried in work and cannot relegate adequate hours to insure that cases are handled properly, that all alleged perpetrators get a fair trial,” explained Turlo. “We get these guys who have been whisked through the system and never indicted. Some of them get two to three years here, where they learn to hone their criminal skills. They come in with the criminal equivalent of a grade school diploma and leave with a PhD in burglary or extortion. What a system!”
One convict, a 22-year-old unemployed Black aluminum can magnate, was busted when police found a roach in his automobile ash tray in 2009. After a “speedy trial” leading to court-ordered confinement he wondered if a plea bargain was the way to go.
“My lawyer told me if I didn’t cooperate with the court I could get ten years, so I plead guilty to a lesser charge and here I am. They told me I’d be up for parole in 18 months but that milestone has passed and I am wasting away within these walls. I think they forgot me.”
In addition to the daily happy hour there are other benefits for prisoners exhibiting good behavior. Work release programs, college study groups, trade school opportunities and ultimately halfway houses designed to pave the way for reentry into society.
“We must decide if prison is primarily punitive or if it is an attempt at rehabilitation,” said Turlo, “and we must be careful not to run short of ice.”
The United States incarcerates more prisoners than any other “free” country in the world. Many prisoners have fallen through the cracks and are now mere statistics in a shameful shuffle where private institutions function as profitable enterprises. Treating convicts as humans might just be the beginning of a new approach to justice.
“Considering the poor performance by most penal institutions a daily happy hour might just be a bright spot in an otherwise dark existence,” snapped Turlo.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Rapture Reservations Rescinded
(Little Rock) The long awaited Rapture, provoking a visitation of divine magnitude, happened last week according to self-styled holy men here. People who missed the festivities were not a part of this grand scheme were probably on the Phony Christian List, say Biblical Cherry Pickers of the Ozarks, a group that has franchised the event.
“If you were not informed of the coming He probably didn’t want to see you or talk to you at all,” said Rev Phil Pharisee, the son of a sharecropper who has amassed an astounding fortune by “catering to fears and selling sugar pill spiritual remedies” according to detractors. “We have yet to translate the Heavenly Code of the Day but we think the problem lies in the love-hate relationship that many born agains have with Israel,” he trembled.
“You are on the phony Christian list,” reiterated Pharisee. “The real soldiers of Christ are at this very moment chilling out in paradise.”
When asked why he was still down here Pharisee smiled, “Some of us must remain here to help the next batch get on the right bus, heh?”
Readers may remember Pharisee who claimed to have negated the theory of evolution in 2007 by pointing to his congregation.
“Look at these good people,” he had said. “There’s not one drop of evolution is any of them.”
*It appears that although these righteous folk don’t particularly like Jewish competition in the Chosen People arena, they are rooting for them in the coming war against Islam which will precipitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. It is then and only then that all true believers and only them will enter the kingdom of heaven. The rest will be relocated to less desirable spots.
SNAFU SENDS ALIENS TO YELLOWSTONE, WOLVES SOUTH
Mexico City by morning?
(Jackson WY) Many illegal aliens have found themselves deep in Yellowstone Park this morning while hundreds of Canadian wolves are waking up in Mexico. The entire nightmare has been blamed on a computer malfunction at the highest levels of the federal government.
The situation was precipitated due to simultaneous implementation of two long sought programs. The first called for a more aggressive approach to deal with people crossing the border illegally; the second favored a relocation of wolves into natural habitats in Yellowstone and parts of Idaho and Western Montana.
The deportation was to be supervised by the Department of Immigration and the wolf drop by the Department of the Interior. Legislative wires apparently became crossed, even in the primary stages of execution according to one bureaucrat or another.
“People are always quick to point at the government when an embarrassment like this occurs,” said Melvin Toolini, now acting coordinator of both events. Readers may remember Toole, a former White House aide under Bill Clinton, who was abruptly fired in 1989 after he was identified as “the troublemaker” who had once called Hillary Clinton “Thunder Thighs” back in grade school.
Toolini now finds himself in the precarious position as standing liaison between the two aforementioned agencies.
“The confusion resulted from the two cumbersome bureaucracies being housed in the same building, sharing the same computer system, bathrooms and elevators,” explained a shaken Toolini at a press conference on the matter this afternoon.
“And I’d like to say more at this time,” he teased, “but they’ve got a killer glazed meatloaf on special today at the Congressional dining room and I want to get over there before they run out.”
One reliable source confirmed fears that neither Toolini nor anyone else remotely attached to the snafu had any idea how the data became submerged or what to do about it. She then added that the meatloaf was not actually glazed but rather browned in butter before roasting.
“It doesn’t matter who’s to blame,” winced the source. “What is important now is correcting the mess before it further blows up in out faces.”
As of yesterday evening some 500 illegal aliens have been tranquilized and relocated to Yellowstone while as many as 250 wolves have been deported by bus to points south. According to the same source this does not include a crew of grey wolves that were picked up in a poorly constructed raft in the straights of Florida Tuesday. Whether these survivors will end up in Wyoming, Mexico or back in Cuba is anyone’s guess.
“It was only a matter of time before the gov’ment’s feet and paper shuffling caught up with them,” said a former immigrant rights advocate and animal lover. “When you insist on everything in triplicate you’re heading for trouble. It’s all particularly sad considering neither group wanted to go anywhere in the first place. The Latinos are here simply to survive and the wolves are here because they are part of the ecosystem.”
Meanwhile ranchers in the affected region were slow to respond to federal inquiries regarding the feasibility of illegals being shipped to their state on a permanent basis.
“Illegal aliens don’t generally attack livestock unless provoked,” said one Pinedale rancher, “but then, according to the urban experts neither do wolves. Those sheep can be nasty but we feel someone should read the fine print on the NAFTA Treaty before making anymore sudden moves.” – Warren of Wexley
Politician Born with Two Faces?
(Wahoo Corner) Exhibit photos, presented in a birth certificate tribunal today suggest that sitting Wyoming Congressman, Petro “Red” Meat, was born two-faced. The pictures, many of which were taken at the birth and during adolescence indicate the presence of two completely developed mugs. Physiognomists testifying before the court agreed that not only did Meat possess two faces but that both were less than attractive.
“He looks to have faces reminiscent of of Lyndon B Johnson and Dick Cheney, which, frightening enough on paper, is nightmarish in person,” said one expert.
Meat, who was indicted in 2012 for his part in covering up the disastrous impact of oil exploration in the Equality State, donned a Jackson Pollock mask (Pollock was born in Cody) and sat quietly as the judge listened to the latest testimony.
“All one has to do is drive through what used to be beautiful country up around Pinedale and look for himself,” said a prosecutor. “One does’t need four eyes to view the complete disregard for the environment by oil bosses”
Attorneys for Meat repeatedly insisted that their client had not shared in the spoils when Wyoming accepted thirty (or was it forty) silver coins for rights to fossil fuels in the economically hard pressed locale.
If convicted Meat will serve two separate sentences on top of prior prison terms handed down by a Gillette judge last August.
