All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
BLUE MESA DRAINED FOR ELK SEASON
(Sapinero) Anglers and fish are reminded that the state of Colorado will once again drain Blue Mesa Reservoir for elk hunting season. According to a top secret Division of Wildlife transmission, intercepted by gorillas hiding in the green, misty mountains, the monkey business will begin October 2 and continue until all the water has been removed.
Another gov’ment brochure entitled When Fish Go to the Beach highlights plans to return the water in April or May.
“During the winter we plan to lease the water to California for a tidy profit,” said R. Melvin Toolini, architect and primate investor of the baboonish operation.
Sailors, water skiers and anyone with a line in the water is cautioned not to overstay their welcome at the popular lake. Fish, who generally handle the draining without incident are asked to have their belongings packed for the traditional trek up to Lake San Cristobal for hibernation.
Baseball belongs in the sunshine
OBITUARY: Major League Baseball. Died Oct. 29. Graveside services. Wake of American tradition, at Cooperstown, N.Y. Survivors include pro football, pro basketball, pro hockey and pro bingo. All are getting old.
Ice hockey isn’t played out in the sun. Basketball courts are abandoned in the rain. Nobody plays tennis in the wind. Why do they play the World Series in the dark, out in the cold, when all good little boys and girls should be fast asleep?
Perhaps it was the repetitious beer commercials aimed at 14 year olds that upset my sense of authenticity. Maybe it was the announcers who, sentenced to childhood in right field because they couldn’t catch a fly, wanted their big-shot day in the limelight. Nope.
It’s the dollar-bill mentality that dictates that games would be played at night instead of out in the luxurious October sunshine.
In B-grade Saturday morning Westerns, even the lowest cowpuncher knew that Indians never fought at night. Neither did the gladiators in Rome. Even Eisenhower waited until daylight to launch the Normandy Invasion.
Baseball should be a game for kids and the World Series, of all sporting events, should be played in the daytime. (Theme music: Gillette Blue Blades, I mean) If the sport truly seeks credibility it must turn away from commercialism.
Why must young baseball fans be faced with staying up past midnight to watch their teams wander into the extra innings? What about some of the rookies? Should they have to ride the bench, yawning, while the contests are concluded?
Things would certainly have been different if the World Series was played at night in the 50s. Two of the principals, Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin, might have missed all the games due to their much-maligned social agenda.
In addition, what would radio broadcasters like Wait Hoyt and Rosey Rosewell have done with all their idle day time? What about Pirate great Bill Mazeroski? Would he have stayed up late enough to take his famous series-ending poke back in 1960?
I remember back then, when the Yankees and Dodgers dominated the post-season play. Of course, in those days, if a team won its division it went to the World Series and was not forced to test its mettle against also-rans in continuous five-or-seven-game fiascoes. In those days, kids would skip school to watch the games and their parents generally turned their heads.
In the workplace, especially in the competing cities, there would be lucrative office pools and little or no work going on. New York and Los Angeles, the largest cities in the country, were at a virtual standstill in 1962. That’s the real country talking. Ain’t it grand!
Worker morale was at its highest, as it was considered patriotic to blow off work and gather around the radio or the color television to catch the action.
Dammit, baseball belongs out in the sunshine, not lurking around in the evening shadows of someone’s prime time.
In 1934, Joe “Ducky” Medwick was pelted with garbage as he attempted to play left field during the autumn classic. Rude as it may have been, it was probably great fun for the Detroit fans, who watched their team go down to defeat.
Ask yourself: If the game would have been played at night, would the Detroit faithful actually have bounced their trash off Medwick? How could they be sure it was him in the dark. Baseball would have been deprived another joyous outing, even though Medwick might have felt quite differently.
In that same series, Dizzy and Paul Dean, pitching in the sunlight, were all but untouchable. Do you think the Tigers would have done better in the dark? It’s doubtful whether any of the American Leaguers would have even detected the cowhide passing over the plate. At least the Deans, pitching in the afternoon gave the hitters a shot at it all.
In 1961, Cincinnati third baseman Gene Freese lost a foul ball in the sun. It would have been the third out, but instead the powerful Yankees capitalized on his misadventure and scored seven runs, which turned the Series around.
The Yankees went on to win in five games. In 1995, would Braves fans be so quick to engage in their mindless chop chants right out in the light where everyone could see them? We think not.
Back before TV ratings dominated baseball tradition we can imagine the American family gathering around the dinner table talking about that afternoon’s game. Today the broadcast often interrupts dinner entirely. In addition, the World Series gave the unemployed something to do during those difficult hours of reflection, and was found to provide a positive distraction from the morbid soaps, the noisy, carrot and stick game shows and the few idiot talk shows that had begun to surface.
What about crime? Even a fool can see that a fan is more likely to get mugged outside Jacob’s Field or Fulton County Stadium at 11 than at 6.
Is this crisis covered by the designated hitter clause? And if this reality isn’t frightening enough, consider that the rosin bag gets soggy at night and the UV rays from the stadium lights are harmful to one’s health.
Let’s blame Ted Turner. He’s the guy who brought the national sport to its knees by providing the massive Brave money dosages on the tube. There is no doubt he wanted the games on at night due to the ad revenues and due to the likelihood that his former wife, Jane, wanted to free up her days to hit the malls in Cleveland or Baltimore, shopping meccas to be sure.
Maybe we need government intervention, but the GOP says there are too many lefties on the mound and the Democrats seem frightened to go out into right field after dark. What about presenting the World Series in the daytime, interspersed with the McNeil-Lerner Report?
In closing, Astroturf, domes and batting gloves suck too.
-Kevin Haley
Planets shedding fur no cause for alarm
(Ouray) The seasonal shedding of fur and skin by major planets in out solar system will not jeopardize life as we know it according to astronomers at Dexter Creek Phoebus Observatory here. Saying that a slew of meteor showers and a lot of fuzz in the air may complicate respiratory maladies, star gazers assured residents and visitors that things would “return to normal” just as soon as things return to normal.
“This kind of thing happens every year but it is particularly noticeable in 2013 due to the cold weather that has plagued the Universe,” said G. Jerry Dunn, operations specialist at DCPO. “In short since the planets did no shedding in March and April there is hair everywhere in May and June.”
Dunn then went on to draw some confusing analogy between shedding planets and shedding German Shepherds.
“Shedding is the final step in repeating the natural process in outer space,” he said. “It is a serious accounting and reordering of orbits prior to the end of the world which is scheduled for December 15.”
“Watching a grand old planet like Jupiter shed its winter coat is really quite a phenomenon. The only problem is that all that hair gets into our sensitive telescopes. We’re all learning on the job. Hell, back a few years ago we didn’t even know that planets had hair,” he smiled. “We thought they were all as bald as cue balls.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Pray Away the Gray Plays to Mixed Reviews
(Olathe) A winter revival dubbed Pray Away the Gray opened to a smaller than expected audience Friday as clergy from several strip mall cults administered to the imagined needs of the elderly and the fears of the prematurely gray in the community.
This approach to changing pigmentation, seen as an abnormal behavior by these leading reverends, leans on direct supplication and petition coupled with tithing and compliance as defined by the men behind the pulpit.
“People with gray hair are sinners and must seek salvation as blondes or brunettes,” explained Rev. Phillip Pharisee, coordinating executive of the emerging institution. “If we get enough people thinking the same way it might be surprising what might happen.”
Already several of the faithful in nearby Montrose claim to have shed their gray hair after attending just three or more sessions.
“I was more than happy to pay the $200 to look younger,”said one man.
Scientists say the melanogenetic clock, rather than morality, is responsible for the hair follicles turning white or gray. They blame the state of gray on genetics and environment. Unfortunately, they add, the only way to restore hair color is with dyes and chemicals.
“The concept of begging for divine intercession is selfish and stupid” said one scientist. “Do these people think that the gods really give a hoot about their scalps or hair styles? If these good folks really believe that the body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit why are so many of them obese?”
The revival will continue in the Uncompahgre Valley until its special events license runs out, then promoters will take the show on to the road to Utah despite protests from Mormon groups there who do not appreciate the competition for the right to save souls and hair.
– Signelle de Bushe
HORSESHOE GRANTED JUNK MAIL STATUS
(Gunnison) The San Juan Horseshoe has finally reached the kind of milestone that most newspapers only dream of — that of junk mail status. Legally filed with the Library of Congress, the Postal Equilibrium Committee and the Interstate Commerce Union, the license allows the paper access to every American whether they like it or not.
By next week the Horseshoe plans to send back issues to every mailbox in the Western United States and Canada. Whereas before the publisher might have been jailed for such an act, now he is free to intrude into the lives of his fellow citizens without penalty.
According to a postal source the paper must send out at least 250 tons of worthless print per month to qualify for next year’s license. Anything less would automatically drop that effort into second class or the feared requested material category.
“Then we’d have to hold the mail until someone showed up at the little window, showed some identification and offered to buy us lunch,” said Mondo Carmen a stamp designer from Milan.
Over at the newspaper the staff is said to be quite enthused over the accomplishment which should make their jobs easier.
“The paperwork took 20 years but at least we’ll get some relief in the dead file room and storage of those colorful Piggly Wiggly inserts will be much less a problem,” said one under-editor. “This place was starting to look like a paper mill on Thursdays.” – Fred Zeppelin
