Pray Away the Gray Plays to Mixed Reviews

(Olathe) A winter revival dubbed Pray Away the Gray  opened  to a smaller than expected audience Friday as clergy from several strip mall cults administered to the imagined needs of the elderly and the fears of the prematurely gray in the community.

This approach to changing pigmentation, seen as an abnormal behavior by these leading reverends, leans on direct supplication and petition coupled with tithing and compliance as defined by the men behind the pulpit.

“People with gray hair are sinners and must seek salvation as blondes or brunettes,” explained Rev. Phillip Pharisee, coordinating executive of the emerging institution. “If we get enough people thinking the same way it might be surprising what might happen.”

Already several of the faithful in nearby Montrose claim to have shed their gray hair after attending just three or more sessions.

“I was more than happy to pay the $200 to look younger,”said one man.

Scientists say the melanogenetic clock, rather than morality, is responsible for the hair follicles turning white or gray. They blame the state of gray on genetics and environment. Unfortunately, they add, the only way to restore hair color is with dyes and chemicals.

“The concept of begging for divine intercession is selfish and stupid” said one scientist. “Do these people think that the gods really give a hoot about their scalps or hair styles? If these good folks really believe that the body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit why are so many of them obese?”

The revival will continue in the Uncompahgre Valley until its special events license runs out, then promoters will take the show on to the road to Utah despite protests from Mormon groups there who do not appreciate the competition for the right to save souls and hair.

– Signelle de Bushe