All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"
TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS
(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Daylight Savings/Second Homeowners Club, the Ouray Town Clock will now keep time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing later in the morning.
“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers.”
Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the task when the clock runs short of juice.
“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray.”
Shorter Terms For Congress on Docket
TWO WEEKS?
(Washington) When the Congress meets again the members will be chatting about more than the recent election. They’ll be talking about campaign financing and where to get some. They’ll be arguing about foreign policy and where to get some.
They’ll even be talking about term limits.
Before the break it had come down to common sense (and where to get some). Define the problem: Pork barrel promises kept, and all those years to fill pretending to accomplish something while out campaigning to get elected again. Good money…good working conditions. Shake a few paws, kiss a few babies. Power.
“What about two week terms?” asked one rookie Congressman still wet behind the amendments.
“Two weeks? Wasn’t that a movie with Mickey O’Rourke or somebody?” was the response.
“It’s concise,” offered one supporter, “and it would give us more time to spend campaigning.
“Yes, I think you’ve got something there but will the public buy it?” asked a third.
“They’ve bought it so far. Just throw in a few mentions of democracy and wave the flag…maybe a brass band and free tickets to the coliseum… I mean circus…”
“Let’s put it to a vote…Aye or Nay,” said a veteran of these things. “The last thing we need is a filibuster. I’m not willing to miss dinner again. These Washington pizzas just aren’t as good as the ones back home in New Jersey.”
Finally the Speaker restates the proposal for those who have not already nodded off the sleep:
“Bill Number 48839 proposes that all Congressional Terms be limited to no more than two weeks. This will create a time period of inactivity (5 years and 50 weeks for Senators and a substantially shorter term for Representatives). Is there discussion?”
An ancient Senator is helped to the podium.
“I forget what I’m doing here,” he starts, his aide whispering the issue into his one good ear. “Oh, yes, term limitations…Will they interrupt my nap? Back when I was in the electoral college girls and boys didn’t live in the same dorms…”
Another Congressman snaps: “This is another waste of the taxpayers’ money! I have questions for the legislators assembled here: Will there be enough time to placate the special interests in just two weeks? Will the sacred pork barrel runneth dry?”
Everyone in the body looked at each other blankly.
“Yes, and will we get a chance to ride around Washington in our Congressional limos? Can we expect to make the contacts necessary to land a lucrative lobbyist position in just two weeks? Can we hope to vote ourselves another pay raise in that time period?”
The Speaker interrupts.
“These are pertinent questions that we must answered before further pursuing a final vote,” he stressed. “But in today’s arena we cannot simply withdraw to the proverbial smoky room like before. It’s politically incorrect. The voters will think we’re backing the tobacco lobby.”
After a few minutes a vote was taken and the amendment passed. Two week terms with long recesses and more fact finding trips to places like Monaco and Fiji. Salaries unaffected. Retirement packages quite substantial. Power.
“I’m confidant the House will go along with this. Now if we can only convince the President to follow suit…” said one member of Congress, “we might finally a responsive government.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
Payment to reach billions Mexican government settles with West End
(Nucla) The Mexican government has agreed to pay West End residents over 3.2 billion dollars in retribution for war atrocities allegedly committed in 1847, during in what the victors longingly refer to as the Mexican War.
Although short-lived, the conflict was over by early 1848, the war saw the United States gain more than 525,000 square miles of new territory. It also saw some of the most brutal atrocities ever committed on American soil, unless you count behaviors aimed at the First Americans, African slavery, the labor wars, the wild buffalo, and Manifest Destiny.
In June 1847 a contingent of Mexican cavalry crossed the San Miguel River near Redvale and headed west toward Naturita. Militias stationed in the Twin Cities had no prior warning and scurried to protect the uranium fields from the coming assault. Alas, it was too late and as dusk settled on the first day of the battle the Mexican cavalry had occupied the uranium mines and downtown Naturita to boot.
“It was ugly…what happened then,” said a 162-year old retired General who was just a boy during the war. “The Mexican troops forced the local citizenry to gather up all the tequila and turn it over to the provost marshal. Then they held the men at gun point while the women were forced to cook green chili and chorizo through the night and into the next day. All this with that Mariachi music blasting and the festive south-of-the-border decorations hanging off every cedar tree.”
The boy, later commissioned as a three-star general, escaped from the melee and warned General Winfield Scott of the shortages his troops might face if they ever visited the Paradox Valley. For this he was presented the Victorian Cross and given a poorly-built dream house in Telluride.
Meanwhile the debauchery continued with the Mexican soldiers chowing down and the women cleaning up. Sparse looting also occurred according to eyeball witnesses. The town was a wreck with chairs turned over, tablecloths stained with salsa and even a lamp or two smashed. Herds of sheep were scattered or worse.
In 1870, following the American Civil War the residents and descendants of these victims filed suit against the Republic of Mexico for damages. Included were accusations that the Mexicans still held much of the uranium and that several residents experienced stomach disorder and gas from the feast. The women filed a separate suit claiming harassment in that they were forced to clean up the mess.
“The settlement might have been minimal had the Mexican government acted right away,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, once the young man who had witnessed the atrocities. “However some 150 years later the interest alone has to be calculated in the billions.”
Today, due in part to the Mexican government’s desire to remain on the good side of the Obama Administration, residents of Nucla and Naturita are perched at the business end of a hearty windfall. Experts estimate that every living occupant in the Twin Cities will receive 1.2 million dollars before the end of 2014.
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of those fancy double-wides around here,” said Horseshoe who only yesterday moved out of his tin castle and into a ante Belgium mimosa-lined ski chalet overlooking fashionable Hopkins Field. ” – Melvin Toole
Newsprint Safe for Fish and Chips
(Dublin) After extensive carbon-plate investigation, the governments of Ireland and England have determined that the traditional practice of wrapping fish and chips in newspaper is not only expedient but is perfectly healthy.
The impulse packaging, which has become standard in such places as Wales and Scotland as well, has been deemed safe due in part to the antiseptic nature of grease.
“I remember the Suez campaign back in the Forties,” said one retired British major, turned health official. “We were afraid to drink the water so we added massive quantities of cheap scotch whiskey and bitters. It was easier than all that bloody boiling. Although no one liked the mixture everyone stayed reasonably healthy. It’s the same with the cooking oil.”
Fish and chip purveyors here in Ireland expressed relief in that they will not be forced to obtain substitute packaging materials.
“We’ve always got a stack of newspapers around,” said Connie Sullivan, of Rosscarbery, in West Cork. “In fact one paper from Western Colorado sends us old issues which it says helps substantiate circulation figures.”
It was not clear what action might have been taken if health officials had deemed newsprint unsafe.
“There would be hell to pay when the pubs close and the lads wanted something to read with their late night tea,” said Sullivan. It’s bad enough the publicans jacked the price of a pint up to two pounds, three pence, but start messing with the price of a man’s nourishment and you might have another civil war on your hands.”
– Small Mouth Bess
POP QUIZ
Take out your notebooks and number 2 pencils. It’s time for your monthly mental checkup. Answer the questions to the breast of your ability.
1. Why is it that one can’t trust the average house cat with a 3-pound tuna while it is quite appropriate to leave the same cat in the care of the tuna for up to 12 hours without incident?
2. The Exxon Corporation contributes to Save the Tigers yet there are none of the species within a 200 mile radius of Prince William Sound. Elaborate.
3. Name all the cities mentioned in James Brown’s version of Night Train.
4. Sub-commander Marcos is a member of what political party? In what state does he reside? Doesn’t it bother you that your government is training the military to smother valid peasant revolts south of the border down Mexico way?
5. Since coming to power the Vatican Popery has designated over 280 new saints. Name them.
Get started. You have only until 2016 to complete this section.
Comic Pages Good For Mental Health
(Gotham City) According to a new federal study the daily digestion of the comix leads to a happier, better adjusted human being. Of over 6,000 daily newspaper readers surveyed 45% said they read the comic pages daily. 28% said they read them first. Of that group, only three people complained of depression or said they felt displaced or disenfranchised from society.
“After digesting the front page and the editorials many people need to lighten up,” said one researcher, “and that’s where the comics page comes in. Completing the crossword puzzle, reading the horoscope, even consuming the sports pages don’t seem to offer the inner peace found in the comic strips.”
For decades the feds have tried to manipulate the comics by sneaking propaganda and government agendas onto these pages. The attempt has failed however since federal agencies often lack a basic sense of humor. The embrace of the internet news has lessened the number of people reading the traditional comic pages but these same control groups seek out humor and comics elsewhere on the web according to the results collected here.
“Veteran comic page readers see through all the hype,” said the source. “They’re looking for simplicity and escape. The diversity of humor found in the strips offers something for every interest and mental capacity.”
Experts liken reading the comics to soaking one’s bunions in a hot pail of water or day dreaming. Some even consider the behavior to have therapeutic value since it is not intellectually threatening. They compare the practice to meditation or prayer.
“The comics offer a secure format with familiar characters who are usually predictable,” according to a 34,000-page report released this week. “Regular readers relate to the characters and their predicaments, often resolved in a few frames. Perusers of the funny pages gain tranquil entertainment value without the noise and control of television or the demands of more serious reading.”
The study also implied that many people can’t tell the difference between the comics and the regular news, especially TV news which is not generally meant to be comedy or even amusing.
“Television is already so stupid that it doesn’t need comic relief,” continued the report which adds that boob tube addicts are one of the most pathetic groups on the planet.
The cost of the study was just over $6.5 million.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
