Newsprint Safe for Fish and Chips

(Dublin) After extensive carbon-plate investigation, the governments of Ireland and England have determined that the traditional practice of wrapping fish and chips in newspaper is not only expedient but is perfectly healthy.

The impulse packaging, which has become standard in such places as Wales and Scotland as well, has been deemed safe due in part to the antiseptic nature of grease.

“I remember the Suez campaign back in the Forties,” said one retired British major, turned health official. “We were afraid to drink the water so we added massive quantities of cheap scotch whiskey and bitters. It was easier than all that bloody boiling. Although no one liked the mixture everyone stayed reasonably healthy. It’s the same with the cooking oil.”

Fish and chip purveyors here in Ireland expressed relief in that they will not be forced to obtain substitute packaging materials.

“We’ve always got a stack of newspapers around,” said Connie Sullivan, of Rosscarbery, in West Cork. “In fact one paper from Western Colorado sends us old issues which it says helps substantiate circulation figures.”

It was not clear what action might have been taken if health officials had deemed newsprint unsafe.

“There would be hell to pay when the pubs close and the lads wanted something to read with their late night tea,” said Sullivan. It’s bad enough the publicans jacked the price of a pint up to two pounds, three pence, but start messing with the price of a man’s nourishment and you might have another civil war on your hands.”

– Small Mouth Bess