ESPM RELEASES WINTER SPORTS SCHEDULE

(New Jork) The whirled’s largest sports network will present a host of new programs starting this winter. Standouts include women’s street lacrosse and regatta competitions as well as tried and true features like celebrity raft excursions and jail bait bass fishing. All will be seen in original full length with complimentary simulcasts in Spanish and French. Here are some highlights with brief synopsis:

Ancient Mariner Hurricane Regatta

For nine weeks running, ESPM has filmed brave men and women who insist on sailing in near-death conditions and riding out hurricanes far from dry land. Although footage is particularly marred by the swirl of high winds and cracking masts the bare-boned desire of salty rivalries more than makes up for the quality of the audio. During the pilot series over 30 boats, and as many daredevil sailors, were lost at sea. The segment was rescued from the cutting room floor after a leading pain relief concern jumped on board with eleventh hour sponsorship. The regatta is expected to run through December, when the winds die down and pick up again in August. Offseason broadcasts will center on Puritan fruit drying and the history of tobacco planting in Tidewater Virginia compliments of the Mystery Channel.

Insomniac Women’s Street Lacrosse

Need a little simulated contact to put you to sleep? Tune into the ESPM’s newest costume drama. Well-documented women athletes go at it for three periods on rollerblades, armed with rocket pocket lacrosse sticks  and mace. The winner is determined not only by final score but by style and grace. Most of the competitions are presented live which certainly adds to the suspense at that often dark time of the day. The popularity of the sport is catching on like wildfire with three leagues operating in the US alone. Burghs like Waterloo and Winnemucca have already extorted funds from the local population to build gaping stadiums “the size of a Texas Nascar racetrack.” Sponsored by the maker of a prominent pain relief formula street lacrosse is sure to catch on with disaffected roller derby fans and maybe pull in a few football fans unhappy with non-violent safety curbs recently imposed by that sport.

Celebrity Raft Excursions II

Although very little information has been released about this anxiously awaited feature, most people in the industry agree it is just a remake of Celebrity Raft Excursions I. Executives at ESPM have been ultra-secretive and reluctant to share details and product research findings while insiders are laughing up their sleeve at a “concocted fan base made up of overweight couch dwellers who have no lives and subsist on the behavior of others to create their own empty psyche.” Details of upcoming shows are scant but we do know that the first episode involves a randomly selected audience member enjoying a three week respite on the Coral Sea with four half-starved World War II Japanese naval veterans. In early December viewers may thrill to the exploits of a celebrity rafting crew made up of Rush Limbaugh, Nancy Pelosi, Liz Cheney, the British Petroleum dancers and the ashes urn reputedly holding the remains of deceased senator, Ted Kennedy. Due to the overburden weight the craft will be coupled with a large wooden dingy once used on the set of Mulligan’s Island. Then, nearer to the holidays, ESPM travels to death row at the Tennessee State Penitentiary for a roundtable discussion on recreational water craft safety.

Waco Joe’s Jail Bait Bass Fishing

Every Saturday world famous sport fisherman Waco Joe will be chronicled as he goes bass fishing with very young girls in scanty bathing suits. 56-year-old Joe, a retired submariner, attempts to teach his crew the right way to nail a bass. Filmed in Louisiana with subtitles. Sponsored by Clearasil Ointment and a major pain relief manufacturer.

Big news…

at ESPM is the adoption of instant replay color analysis practiced by broadcasters on the air. In what is called a sophisticated approach to sports sharing the network will present two sets of broadcasting teams, one housed in the main press booth and another, comprised of educated jocks and idiomatic experts placed in a surreptitious spot somewhere in the given complex with powerful field glasses and svelte monitoring equipment. As one might expect the second pair is in place to critique the first in the genres of proper speech, attire, contrived body language and use of mindless and monotonous cliches. The appraisals will be made after every time out of inning change. Mistakes will be dealt with harshly and often result in terminations despite the often king-size egos of the deposed.