FREELOADER HOROSCOPE

Even the skies resent a bum, at least we think they do. The following is a prepared astrological sushi roll for the person whose prime time on the planet is spent taking up space, often at the expense of the other guy. Winter is here and there’s no place warm to sleep for the slothful who doze while the crazed, of honest pioneer stock, chop wood and staple visquine till hell won’t have it. Is it beans or caviar? A soft bed or the pavement? Elegance or the shelter? Read on.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

If your birthday was yesterday you’ve missed it. There is a big difference between expect and expert . Watch out for someone else’s bright ideas landing in your lap. Kick all extra points very carefully. It may be better to open doors than beer cans at the present. Try on a little responsibility. Walk around in it. Look in the mirror. If it doesn’t fit you don’t have to buy it. Nice low profile. Cut the trash, flash the cash! Accept all free rides no matter what the destination. Tonight: Sleep under a different bridge.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Why drag yourself out of bed early? It just makes you tired at closing time. Yield the power of positive thinking to someone else. Feeling sorry for yourself is its own reward. Try keeping to the sunny side of the alley and stay horizontal when possible. It’s not that you exhibit no interests it’s more that they all surface at once, effectively shorting out your brain, leaving you confused by self-motivation and in need of a nap. Your keen knowledge of history will be of great benefit today. Look! A half of an Anthony and Cleopatra, still smoking, right there in the gutter beside you. Tonight: Fried bologna.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Relaxation is your driving force. Milk it. Ask not for whom the couch tolls! Venus, your ruler, will soon travel deep into the sympathetic sign of Capricorn. Hopefully she has four-wheel-drive. Avoid physical labor but never at the expense of mental fatigue. You had a good idea once. Your generosity will not exceed your needs. Curb tendencies toward charity. Venus crosses your love path tonight. Too bad you’ve destroyed credibility and cannot borrow so much as cab fare and the money for a six-pack. Lead with your best side if there is such a thing. You would make a great grammar school science project. Tonight: Change at least one of your socks.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Keep your good eye open for an unexpected pleasure. The merry-go-round is still a miracle even if it’s going in the wrong direction. Ride along or sit back on the bench and watch others spin. Carnivals are far more meaningful than bank statements and phone bills. Don’t allow the little piggies to get your goat, especially in the work place. Don’t ride elevators with banshees. Without the exotic mundane there would be no grounded thrills. This is exactly the right time of the year to talk to cats on the fence. Tonight: Open a whole new can of beans.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Affairs of the heart may get caught in your throat. Challenge house plants. Just because you feel affection for a great many people doesn’t give you liberties in the field of pantslessness. Put your mind to it and there is nothing you can do. Don’t let others make decisions for you unless they are buying the wine. Application of a little charm at the front door might gain temporary entry but will most likely result in a posterior deposit back at the servant’s entry. You will find a new source of income once Mars changes signs this week. Two welfare checks are better than one. Tonight: Get to the soup kitchen early.

TAURUS (April 20- May 20)

A successful career is in your grasp. Take heart…this too will pass. Black tie decadence is not affordable on your second-hand, brown bag budget. That stray bullet was meant for you. Learn to be a graceful loser. Why simply hesitate when you can ignore altogether. Another nap is fine. You may be mistaken as functional in a love relationship. Sabotage is easier than commitment. A remote dumpster offers culinary secrets. Rubbing noses is safer than kissing, especially from across a crowded room. Tonight: Get cozy with cardboard.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Don’t let late night arrivals distract you from safe snoring decibels. If you sell your soul for whiskey what will you have to trade for ice? A thirsty sailor is not a happy seaman. Refrain from bragging about body hair. Adopt a subliminal approach to pet training. Avoid tete-a-tetes unless you speak French. Chasing rainbows is better than chasing your tail. Seek direction and peace in the wallpaper. Home decorating ideas swirl around in your head. Go ahead: Hang those lovely lace curtains on your grocery cart. When your ship comes in will there be anyone to help you unload her? Tonight: Burn the scandal at both ends.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Learn to appreciate waste. You are far better at creating problems than in solving them. Go with the flow but not all the way down the drain. Running on three cylinders is no walk in the park. A breakfast bar is not always a place to buy a drink before lunch. Too many one-to-one relationships may tax your mathematical prominence. Keep the freight schedule handy as you may be taking a little trip in the future. Bask in the limelight of neon signs. Something in the news will make you warm. Could it be the business section blanketing your shoulders. Tonight: Tie-dye your libido.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Pay close attention to the blueprint of your specified arena. Tribesmen are sure to leave for the liquor store soon. If you had a job you could bring home work at night, if you had a home. Dwell on passing the time. Life is just a movie and you are required to perform your own stunts. Follow your instincts and they will lead you to the end of your nose. Leave it to the others to conform to you. It’s probably too late to procrastinate. It’s tough to make a fresh impression tomorrow with the stale breath of so many yesterdays. Tonight: File the short form.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Objects in the mirror seem smaller and farther away than they may appear. Unlocking doors could land you in jail. Handle all fiscal matters quickly and irresponsibly. Nothing can stop you since you are not moving in any direction. Multi-tasking is highly overrated. Learn to laugh at life since it is certainly laughing at you. If you ignore that important decision long enough it will cease to be of concern. Join the circus. You’ll enjoy the other reptiles. Social activities should have accelerated last month. It’s difficult to diversify when your bicycle seat is on backwards. Tonight: Tuna martinis for the band.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You will enjoy a wild goose chase especially if you’re not the prey. Forget past obligations with the same vigor that you are embracing present responsibilities. Maintain a sense of equilibrium, at least below the belt. Your soul mate is a cross-dressing hamster. Every queen named Jane has either been murdered, imprisoned, gone mad, died young or been dethroned. What else is left? Beware of pickpockets with vacuum attachments. Seeing good in all things is commendable. Seeing good in a fog is worthwhile. Never confuse the bait with the catch. Tonight: Sackcloth and ashes accentuate your barbarism.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Negotiations will do little good once you’re up the steps of the guillotine. Broken bones may impress the neighbors. Clear your throat, your head will follow. Malnutrition is an eating disorder too. Today would be a great time to stop drinking. Next month would be a better time. Never pull a knife in a greasy spoon. Imagine your mother-in-law with a bald head. Stay far enough ahead of the pack to effectively cover your tracks. A shirt-sleeve relative will attempt to get his hands in your pockets. Don’t sweat the small print if you can’t read the headlines. If you insist on paying your bills on time it will grow to be expected. Tonight: Hog the blankets.

-Kashmir Horseshoe, copyright 2004, The Astrological Cavalry

Postcard from the Butte!

The variable schnook winds are at it again. With more snow on the horizon winter appears to have landed.

“Shoot Back” on shelves for holidays

(Rifle, CO) The authentic, real war video, Shoot Back, that bleeds real blood and returns fire when confronted, is about to be released locally according to unreliable sources in Glenwood Springs. The controversial product, which was originally created to teach users respect for weapons and a disdain for war, is a video game on track to easily squash the already tight competition for Christmas.

Despite early praise for the interactive video, the deadeye National Rifle Association appears to have blinked, with the official endorsement of the video delayed until more data can be compiled. The NRA, usually an avid supporter of anything that shoots or blows up, is concerned that the new arrangement is a threat to its powder finger legions.

“If people start figuring out that firearms are not just a one-way street we may start losing out grassroots supporters,” said a spokesman for the gun lobby. “It’s the couch potato brigades that we are concerned about. We want to keep them scared and off balance. Many are just dying to pull the trigger.

“Our agenda is not compatible with our allies in a crossfire, said a supporter of laissez-faire gun laws.  “Yes, we want to maintain control, just not gun control.”

Critics of the NRA say that organization is pompous, self-serving and one-dimensional but fun at parties.

“Easy access to guns, stumblebum mental health treatment options and murderous video games are welded together,” said one weapons-control advocate. “Until we face up to all of the root problems related to these issues, we have nothing. The NRA is not a bad organization, but t he NRA isn’t helping the situation by creating paranoia and pointing the finger at anyone who happens to disagree with its philosophy. Yeah boy, guns are great if you are the one behind the trigger. If you are at the other end of the thing it may not be so great at all.”

Plenty of new users have complained of gunshot wounds as a result of playing Shoot Back. Although no deaths have yet been reported, inevitably the game must result in  fatality.

“We are increasingly appalled at the disregard for human life currently displayed with “entertainment” of this type,” said a guidance counselor at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High School here. “If you think guns are the source of violence within the adolescent population think again. ”

“Part of the problem is that we do not like each other in this country,” said the source. “We’re not happy. We’re not proud of ourselves…at least inside. We have no respect for anyone, including ourselves. We know what makes a good person and we know we aren’t good people.”

Another glowing ember in this wild fire is that parents, if they are involved in the lives of their children, are not only chronically in denial that their child is twisted by all of this senseless destruction but all too willing to accept violence and anti-social behavior as part of the American culture, like Wal-Mart, fast food, twist-off caps and poodle shit. Let’s keep the peace at home. Everyone is good at the charade after years of practice, heh?

According to social scientists, video game players who continually see digital death and special effect violence on their cell phones will begin to see human suffering as a game too, a game that they can embrace or ignore just by pushing a button. It’s a game where nobody really gets hurt, or do they? When I point a weapon at someone and pull the trigger they won’t really get injured, or will they?                                                        – Dinty Moore

EDITORIALS

Snow balls a menace to peace

During recent visits to Crested Butte and Telluride we were shocked to see that juveniles in both of these towns were engaged in the inappropriate behavior of snowball throwing. It would be bad enough if these junior scoundrels were simply battling it out among themselves, but they have encouraged the combat to cross over into other, more moral segments of society. Haven’t we come any farther than this? Are we still like monkeys hanging out of bark-infested trees hurling coconuts at four-legged beasts sentenced to the cruelties of gravity? Is there no law and order? Will no one stand up and be counted?

It’s getting so that one does not even see the traditional beaver pelt stovepipe top hat on the street anymore. We cannot blame the occupants of this fashionable, flamboyant headgear for succumbing to the icy threats of street punks, scarf-masked thugs and pre-pubescent hooligans.

Why just this morning on South Fir Street, a gentleman, attempting to negotiate the stairs at O’Bannon’s Shed and Breakfast was accosted by alley urchins armed with snowballs. Before he could duck back into the familiar confines of his redoubt they were on him, pelting him with the little arctic missiles, knocking his hat to the ground, purposely upsetting his daily constitution, causing him considerable injustice.

Some of these little criminals even travel with dogs.

Will we the responsible members of society just sit back and wait until our civilization tumbles into the abyss? Remember the Saracens? Remember Chamberlain and Czechoslovakia?

The solution, although awkward, is a simple one: Remove the projectiles of this roughhewn subculture by removing the fallen snow. The towns already have the trucks. Let’s get on with it and look forward to a more peaceful, secure tomorrow for everyone. And while we’re at it let’s go ahead and get rid of the dogs and younger kids too.

WARNING LABELS HARMFUL TO GENE POOL

When was the last time you stood in a bucket of water while repairing an electrical appliance? Do you often climb extension ladders while blindfolded? Can you successfully operate a child proof cigarette lighter? How much cotton is too much cotton when one peers into an aspirin bottle? Buckle up for safety.

The multitude of warning labels that has graced the 20th Century is severely depleting the gene pool by promoting the survival of people who would perish on their own. If we are to follow the theories of natural selection we must put a stop to this neurotic reminder machine that society has found growing like a boil on its posterior. If this insanity continues our off-spring will be no more than a pile of ignorant robots waiting for the next command.

Stop this mad intersession now before it’s too late. The only warning label we need is one that says: Welcome to the planet Earth. Maximum capacity limited. Quality of life fragile. Please do your own thinking.

Mr Obituary Dead at 102

Signelle de Bushe, known to many as Mr. Obituary, has died in Riverside, California after a long illness. Bushe is credited with having written over 200,000 of the somewhat morbid releases. He is survved by his wife Watta de Bushe and children Rose de Bushe and Sergio de Bushe of Grand Junction. Unlike most cub reporters who cut their teeth on obituaries then moved on to something else, Bushe remained at his post for 77 years. When he finally retied from the Scripps-Howard chain he was given a black hearse instead of the more traditional gold watch and chain.

The deceased, not known for his sense of humor, hated the San Juan Horseshoe, which he called “corny and without redeeming value.” In 1985 he threatened legal action if his name ever appeared or if he was ever mentioned in this tabloid.  He also demanded that no man write his obituary.

It is with these last requests in mind that we honor him.

2014 Snowboarder Calendar Features Five Saturdays

(Jack’s Cabin) A brand new calendar based on peanut butter, hot dogs and skier days will offer extra weekend time and a summer season that stretches from April through November according sources around and about here.

The timepiece, dubbed the Alpha Snowboarder Calendar will offer an extra Saturday each month and promises that the luxurious Rocky Mountain summer will be extended beyond our wildest imagination.

We have manipulated the universe so as to nail down at least six months of real summer,” said Al Earthy, a snowboarder and part-time prep cook/thief. “We’re not throwing around a lot verbiage here either,” added Earthy. “We’re talking about six months where the daytime temperatures will hang in there at the 75-degree range.”

Persons interested in adopting such a calendar should show up at the Crested Butte Town Hall on April 3 with all of their old calendars in tow.

“We’ll be accepting old calendars in trade up through May 1 and then we’ll have to start charging minimal fees for the new ones at that time,” said Earthy.

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)Most health insurance programs no longer cover the cost of season or single Bronco tickets. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

Hillbillies Hijack Plane

(Owensboro, KY) Two known hillbillies have reportedly pirated a twin-engine Cessna while in flight from Lexington to Louisville. The two suspects, identified as twin brothers Delbert and Regis MacBrowne, of Bowling Green, apparently grabbed the wheel of the aircraft as it lifted off earlier this morning.

In a statement released just moments ago, the two hijackers assured reporters that the plane’s passengers were in no danger and that they would land as soon as they ran out of fuel. FBI and FAA officials, working together on the caper, fear that the two will seek refuge in Alabama where they have already petitioned for political asylum.

Readers may recall that the MacBrowne brothers were linked to the theft of bass boats, buses, U-haul trailers, and a small helicopter over the past decade. Although spit-shine indicted, neither has spent time behind bars due to chronic crowding and bogged-down courts. Regis is currently wanted in North Carolina for illegal farm sausage making and nude sun bathing while his older, and purportedly better-looking, brother recently escaped from a maximum security holding tank by floating the Tennessee River on a piece of aluminum siding wearing nothing but a child’s snorkel and his familiar Chew Red Man cap. He had been serving consecutive sentences of five years for moon shining and insider trading at the local feed mill.

Authorities have had no success in contacting cousins of the men who live somewhere in jerkwater West Virginia and have, over the years, gained the trust and confidence of the two air pirates. Locals in the Mountain State say the MacBrowns will listen to kin and police hope that the infusion of a little common sense might bring the matter to a swift conclusion.

“These people are stubborn and if we’re ever going to get them to land they must think it’s their idea,” said one FAA official. “It appears clear that the other passengers are in no jeopardy, in fact they seem to be enjoying the incident.  During our last communication we could overhear Delbert leading them in a rendition of the popular Tammy Wynette classic, “Stand By Your Man” followed up by several Minnie Pearl, Little Richard, Burl Ives, Bob Marley combos. From all indications the craft’s small service bar is open.”

An FBI spokesman today confirmed reports that the two had indeed taken themselves hostage and that demands for gourmet breakfast meats and clean socks would be considered only after arrangements for the safe return of plane and passengers had been finalized.

“You’re dealing with two desperate briar hoppers* here,” said Elda MacBrowne, Eastern Kentucky soothsayer and ex-wife of Regis. “Back up here in the hollow we don’t cotton to a lot of airplanes flying around. They scare the chickens. I don’t know how the boys learned to fly. Must have been in jail. Delbert has problems riding a bicycle. We just hope that their message, whatever it could be, is spelled properly and reaches the right sets of ears.”

The MacBrowne woman then suggested that if the authorities just sit tight the brothers would sooner of later return to earth.

“I know for certain that Regis can’t be away from his dog for long periods of time and that Delbert gets air sick,” she smiled. “Besides that squirrel season opens Monday and they haven’t missed an opening day in 35 years.”                                                                                 – Herb Ditchwater

* term of extreme endearment

“The script sits. The writer’s translated into ink what is in his spirit and his soul and his mind. Boom. I come along, I pick it up, and the ink goes into my eyes, into my mind, into my body, flows around and that part starts to inhabit me. And I know a good part when I see one.” — Peter O’Toole”