All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

New month, new day of the week proposed by feds

(Arlington VA) A brand new month and an eighth day of the week may join the other 12 and 7 respectively if a Congressional Committee gets its way. According to a group of veteran lobbyists opposed to Daylight Savings Time, official Monday holidays, nudie calendars, dysfunctional plastic wrap, digital wall clocks and termination dates on lunchmeat, victory is within sight.
These traditionalists are demanding a return to simpler times but say they need some expanded elbowroom to chart public opinion and implement restrictions.
“We’re looking to pass an amendment and be finished with all the cosmetics and disguises,” said lobbyists Peter Rabbit, who among his other duties serves as a twice-indicted strip mall preacher here on weekends.
The new day would be called “Unday”, a 24-hour period where citizens would not have to go to work but would be permitted to leave their homes. The new month “Bachtember”, is named for Bacchus, the Roman god of daily libations and weekend promiscuity.
Sources familiar with the ridiculous, told The Horseshoe that Unday would follow Sunday as a sort of buffer to the work week, while Bachtember would allow persons more time for annual harvests, fall colors, and add 4 more games to most college and professional football team schedules.
“We do not expect this shift to create problems like those imagined at the turn of the last millennium,” said Rabbit, nose a-twitching in apprehension of yet another attempt to harness time.
Proponents continue to insist that although the changes would be difficult at first, the majority of people would soon benefit after a short interval.
– Phil E. Buster

House GOP Votes to Deport Statue of Liberty

(New York) Lady Liberty, already the victim of the arrogance and incompetence of the Homeland Security Agency, may be deported if House Republicans have their way.
Saying the statue sends the wrong message to potential immigrants, John White (R-Mars) has introduced a bill that would send the 150-foot Miss Liberty packing.

Heady action leads to dismissal

“Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free,” is seriously outdated,” said White who did not know if his aristocrat descendents had arrived here or in New Orleans in the 1700s. “Right now what our corporate masters need is the obedience and cooperation of the people already brainwashed, not a lot of new loafers living off the system.”
White, born wealthy, has never worked, unless one counts his term in Congress. He has found a great deal of support for his measure within his party. Many Republicans, hoping to play the Jesus card, are placating the Christian voting block by calling for the ouster of “a pagan goddess from a nation of sinners”.
For the historically challenged, Lady Liberty was a gift from France in 1886. The colossal neoclassical sculpture was modeled after Libertas, the Roman goddess of freedom.
“The last thing we need hovering over New York Harbor is more paganism,” said White, adding fuel to his cold, wet fire. “I welcome the Senate vote on this bill and hope our colleagues there share the same values in preserving the pecking order that has been in place since before the Revolution.”
La Liberte eclairant le monde (Liberty enlightening the world) had no comment on the proceedings, her torch of freedom dragging and the chains at her feet tightening by the day. Already some 60 nations have offered her amnesty as a political refugee while several New Jersey developers plan a shopping mall near her base called Liberty Square and a small museum (out back) recounting the statue’s heralded reign here.

Waving goodbye to Ms Liberty

“She has survived 9/11, deterioration caused by salt and pollution, and Hurricane Sandy only to be attacked by another opportunist looking to make a name for himself,” said a supporter. “The people who really run this country have no need of symbols like this. The Americans who support the deportation have no right to live here if they can be so easily manipulated by people like White. They are a howling farce.” – Uncle Pahgre

How to Deal with a Leprechaun

by Padriac McGloo
1. Always make sure his glass is full of Guinness.
2. Don’t be after his gold.
3. Compliment his ability as a shoemaker.
4. Offer him the proverbial second shilling (which he will refuse).
5. Buy him a new hat, pipe and shillelagh every March 16.
6. Consult with him on matters dealing with the banshee and other elves.
7. Have a sturdy mount at his disposal at all times.
8. Be cordial to other wee people when they come to visit. Keep their little glasses full too.
9. Be careful where you step.
10. Refrain from referring to leprechauns as fairies in certain circles.
By following these simple suggestions most mortals can develop a working relationship with leprechauns and avoid falling victim to the mischievousness common to the wee folk. If you accidentally provoke one of these creatures just remember that although they consider humans to be inferior they have a warm spot in their hearts for fools and beggars, be they Irish or other.

IRELAND JUST MILES AWAY FROM RESTING PLACE

(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of dealing with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.
These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.
“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport.
“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”
If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea to an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continue to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.

GAELTACHT

Driving left of logic
on that mean, misty roundabout
leftover from the pubs of our roots
four-corpse fried full breakfast to boot.

It’s one regular Celt cult over here
splashed Eire green, beaches of pebbled priorities
ages of breaths taken
then released along the boreen.

Blood relatives rolling chimes off lips
brandished by the paths of armies
and mythologies dispatched
by vigilant moss, cutting sea breezes.

Harbor in tears, crashing waves
judged too soon by Cranberry Druids
land of emigrant departures
Fenian convicts on the Celtic Sea.

Endless red cavalry stopped
in its tracks by angry fir
with only pikes against artillery
potato stars and mad mornings.

And the lough came into the sitting room
for his afternoon tea.

Boatloads of vanquished Blasket Islanders
victims of a fishless ocean
drift toward the rocky An Daingean
refugees from Europe’s most westerly isles.

Paddy’s last name is O’Flaherty
It’s been so and is sure not a rarity
his whiskey pot still
his life a crisp parity.

Where they still speak it
in out of the rain
telling the tale
in careful ancient words.

Gunnison County Planes Erupciones Volcánicas

(Crested Butte) Gunnison County anunciaron hoy que presentarán una serie de volcánicas llamaradas este otoño para ayudar a impulsar el turismo, que a menudo se reduce después de la temporada de caza. Los disturbios se fijan provisionalmente vaivén 15 y 16 de noviembre durante las horas nocturnas.
Aún así la búsqueda de la colaboración de las USFS y la BLM, los planificadores etiquetados los castillos del Ridge y Wirtz montaña como principales objetivos y añadió que las calderas cerca de Taylor Park y la cara de piedra Pico Pappy cuya conducta difícil de usar se ve acentuada por campos de lava y calderos se asemejan a rojo osos en pequeñas lentes circulares.
Los geólogos están convencidos de que pueden motivar la reacción deseada por una inseminación geofísica simple que implica antiguos ritos Polinesia y aplicada canto.
“Probablemente podríamos hacer un buen uso de unos vírgenes también si conoces alguna,” sonrió Cap Yankovitch que, con varios otros graduados WSCU, construyó la mayor parte de los volcanes de la zona a principios de los años 70. “Estamos chumming de ceniza y líquido fundido para ir con ella. Estamos agita roja ante el toro “.
La explosión preliminar de gas y lava se espera que alrededor de las 11:30 pm del 15, cerca de la montaña del castillo. Luego, a eso de la medianoche Wirtz debe apagarse. Entonces todo el infierno se desatará todo lo largo de nuestra pequeña Avenida de los Volcanes, como lo llaman un campo geométrico similar en Ecuador.
“Al amanecer debemos tener un lío humeante, dijo Yankovitch,” y el dinero en el banco “.
Ya principales guías de turismo del condado de Gunnison han cocido al vapor en una acción que confirma un mercado fuerte para la observación del volcán. Las principales excursiones, que incluyen el transporte en jeep, ropa de protección, el almuerzo y la hora de cócteles gratis, son casi agotadas.
Cuando solicitado en cuanto a cómo estos científicos apagar los volcanes después del espectáculo que nadie respondió.
“No hemos asignada que como todavía”, dijo Yankovitch. “Creo que vamos a conectar ese agujero cuando lleguemos a él.”
Los rumores que circulan varias tabernas en Elk Avenida sugieren que los chicos volcán han comprado varios corchos grandes industriales, que se utilizarán para limitar las erupciones en la madrugada todos los días de las actuaciones.
“El momento aquí es óptima”, dijo otro experto en explosivos. “Nosotros no queremos simplemente cosquillas estos volcanes. Queremos que sean lo suficientemente loco como para ir fuera. Además, tenemos el Festival de las Artes, el Festival Flor silvestre, Cuatro de Julio, pro bicicleta, conciertos gratuitos, Vinotok y las patatas fritas KBUT pescado ya. Encontrar un fin de semana libre, cuando los volcanes están en su mejor momento ninguna calle fácil “.
Varios promotores del evento han sugerido que el flujo de lava podría aliviar algunos de los problemas de relaves que continúan acosando al valle.
Eso es mierda de toro “, dijo Yankovitch. – Melvin Toolini