All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

Restaurants like this one have disappeared from the landscape replaced by chains offering nothing but the same bad food and genetically modified poison.

Doggie Doins

by Spot
(Hinsdale Hooplah, March 25, 2015)
(Editor’s note: This is the first in a series of canine confidentials with our best friend Spot at the helm. He has promised bone-crushing adventures and snarling scandals while keeping on top of who is doing what to whom. Get the first word direct and uncensored from the doghouse. Excuse the typos please. It’s difficult to type without thumbs).
You may wonder why I was chosen to write this piece since there are packs of dogs that have a much more developed literary flare than I. Well, it’s all timing. The idiot editor of this website stopped by the shack the other day looking for my pork chop owner. He was desperate for animal stories and since I was just hanging out in the back of the International I decide to give it a shot. The dog may yet have his day.
Most of my dog friends are quite familiar with the print version of this newspaper through human interaction in paper training, threats, fetching but few have read the website.
Last weekend in Lake City a cute little Fu Fu got hitched to Scratch who claims German lineage but looks mutt to me. Fu Fu wore a lace-trimmed, finely tailored collar while Scratch showed up in a hounds tooth jacket and hush puppies. Fu Fu’s family from Dallas expressed dismay at their pet’s choice but since she will be giving birth in about three weeks, the family did not interfere with the proceedings.
After the wedding we all went to Restless Sprits for a drink only to be thrown out….Something to do with health codes. Fascists! We could have all been incarcerated due to that stupid leash law.
The garbage levels have tapered off after the summer tourists and hunters left. But there are still some treasures to be had. Yesterday a few of my buds and I found a couple of deer carcasses up by Windy Point and dragged them all back to town. Sometimes I think I just like to make a mess more than I like to munch on landfill treats. These wasteful humans are too much. They all throw unsorted garbage and then cry Wolf at the slightest provocation—only to sit limply by as a bruin overturns a monster dumpster with the minimal effort.
I hope all of you dog-loving flatlanders can make it up for our Annual Alpo Packer Celebration next week. We will honor an aging mongrel, named Rex, who claims to be a direct descendent of Alfred Packer’s dog named “Anthropophagus”. That mutt had more sense than some and stayed in Ouray during Packer’s dark journey in 1873. The festivities include the roasting of a leg of Spam. No cats.
Anthropophagus passed on minutes after Packer was indicted for murder. Most of us around here feel the entire trial was invalid and should have been declared void due to the absence of rabbius corpus.
Soon car-chasing season will be over and snow season will be upon us. Have you ever slept in the snow then jumped into a pickup for a ride downtown? It’s not so bad if the driver doesn’t stop at the bar and leave you in the back. And what if the water in your dish freezes? Give a fellow a leg up and thaw it out.
That’s enough for now. Just remember to look me up when you are in Lake City. If you can’t find me, just leave a scent and I’ll get back to you.

LIFT OP RETIREMENT HOME OPENS DOORS

(Almont, March 25, 2015) Pomolift Acres opened today as hundreds of former lift operators struggled to secure accommodations. The fifty-room chalet can handle about 100 retired lift ops at full capacity. Although principals here are certain that vacancies will not regularly crop up they encourage anyone who qualifies for residency to drop by and fill out the necessary paperwork.
Potential Pomolift patrons must be 55 years of age, a resident of Colorado, and must have labored as a lift operator for at least one full season at any recognized Colorado ski resort. Veterans of other states will be considered based on availability. The facility accepts all kinds of insurance and will even help liquidate assets associated with possible customers. For more information on Pomolift Acres call the Almont Chamber of Comments. -Rocky Flats

Words are our friends

From Grammar Junkie, March 25, 2015
Pick the definition that best describes the key word. All are real words albeit rather emote and rarely used in the vernacular. Answer the questions correctly and win!

Coprophemia is
a. obscene language
b. the four-way stereophonic sound created by Peter Townsend.
c. the horn of plenty
d. Someone who fancies feces

Pannage refers to
a. the grease left over after frying food
b. the reproductive capacity of a television camera
c. food eaten by forest swine
d. excess rock extracted from a sluice box

Stasibasiphobia
a. the fear of catching too big a fish
b. the fear that the game warden will warn the bass
c. the fear of living underneath more powerful beings
d. the fear of standing or walking

A kobold is
a. a mischievous goblin who lives in an abandoned mine
b. a hoistman
c. the center wheel of an ore cart
d. a processed piece of ore

A knibber is
a. the person who lives next door
b. the low man on the totem pole
c. a male deer at the magic moment when antlers first appear
d. a spendthrift

An obstringe is
a. a heavily feathered bird with long legs and retractable neck
b. to bind or make indebted
c. payment in cattle in exchange for a bride
d. meditating while gazing at a shrouded navel

Kakemono is
a. a town in Indiana
b. a dessert from a Dim Sum tray
c. one’s older brother’s boxer shorts
d. a printed Japanese scroll with a roller on the bottom

Answers to the IQ test appearing in next month’s issue

1.) If you said the “long way around” was the only safe rout to point B, give yourself one point. If you said point B was not worth the trouble of getting to, give yourself two points.
2.) The answer was “a dog and two birds” Other acceptable answers were: a) Mt Whitney b)19% c) rice curd d)The Hanging Gardens Of Babylon e)>[40]yx f)May 4, 1691 g) sort of greenish or anything written in French
3.) Only if the electrician’s assistant leaves the building from the third floor west window and avoids every third step on the fire escape on his way down does he have a 68% chance of getting out alive.
4.) The answer to this one was “the train arrives at 4:30”. (You must show your work on this one, although it doesn’t matter who you show it to.)
5.) The answer to this one was either The Crimean War or The Korean War. We don’t remember.
6.) The correct answer here was 12. But if you wrote any number from 8 to 57 you’re ok. In fact any number below 150 is ok. Alright, we’ll accept 150 also. Well, if you wrote any number at all give yourself a point. Except 33. Only a doofus would write that.
7.) The correct answer was “I donít know.” Anything else was a shot in the dark. You know it as well as we do. No points.
8.) If you believe the answer to this one was “follow your heart” you are not only nuts but heading for calamity.
9.) The red star is under the third cup. If you have trouble seeing it, close one eye, eat a banana, and try again. Note: the star may appear as four black chickens in Canada.
10.) This one was a trick question; President Coolidge was never a real giraffe.

Scoring: If you scored 0 or less you are not too bright I.Q.-wise. (Don’t feel too bad, many of your type of people are quite successful.
If you scored 1-3 you are near to average intelligence ( a very scary place)
If you scored 4-7 you are above average intelligence, which isnít saying much. After all the average person finds Nash Bridges intellectually stimulating.
If you scored 8-10 you are a cheater. (Don’t feel too bad, many of your type of people are quite successful.)

Dear Editor:

March 25, 2015

I must take exception with an article entitled “Presidential Notes” which appeared in your January issue. For your information Richard Nixon played the electric guitar and not the cello as you repeatedly asserted. Also, Gerald Ford mastered the triangle while in gym class at Michigan, not while sitting in Congress. While you were correct in your assumption that Jimmy Carter played the harmonica you were remiss in your failure to mention his love affair with the washboard. It was at a washboard convention that he met both Teddy Kennedy and Walter Mondale in 1979.
The breakdown of Presidents and their musical instrument of choice follows a simple enough pattern. Some 22 Presidents, including Adams, Monroe, Tyler and Lincoln played the violin while another 30 enjoyed the piano. Teddy Roosevelt could really lay down some ragtime. Two played the tuba (Cleveland and Taft) and seven (including Bill Clinton) have chosen the saxophone as their preferred instrument. The only Chief Executive that did not play a musical instrument was Millard Filmore who was completely tone deaf and spent his brief two-year stint plowing through Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter”, which he inadvertently left behind when driven from the White House. His successor Franklin Pierce could not make heads or tails of the book and subsequently gave it to his sister-in-law for her 50th birthday in 1853.
Thumbellina Etchabarron
Cimarron, CO