All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

Historic Brothel Burns

(Crested Butte, Colorado – April 25, 2015) This town’s last known house of ill repute burned to the ground early Thursday morning. Hundreds watched in awe while others cried openly in the street. The Play Station, as it was last called, was located just off Elk Avenue. It had been in operation since 1889, two weeks longer than local government.
The faded landmark began turning dollars soon after the town of Crested Butte emerged from the coalfields. For 125 years it was the scene of shootings and fundraisers, poker games and pie cook-offs, funerals and celebrations.
Now all that remained were whiffs of cheap perfume/ puddles of ashy water and fire hoses. Bits of red carpet that had survived the blaze were taken as souvenirs by the mangy crowd hanging in the shadows of the inferno. Arson is expected.
“Some do-gooder got wind of what was going down and burned the place down,” said Lyle Montgomery, 99, a retired coal miner. “I remember when all we had here were mines and parlors. Now both are gone.”
Police expect an increase in traffic on Gothic Road between Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte as a result of the fire. Fortunately the latter burgh still boasts 14 of diversionary houses within its jurisdiction.

Placerville Resident Wins Slugman Prize

First printed in Slow Newsday – Norwood, CO — April 25, 2015)

A ninety-five-year-old sheepherder, Melvin Toole, is the recipient of the coveted Slugman Award for 2014. The annual trophy and cash honor is bestowed on the person who most exhibits the positive attributes and measured metabolism of the slug (slugosis lethargopolis).
This national decoration first appeared following World War II as a working citizen citation and crept into prominence within a range of terrestrial gastropod mollusks of the genus Limex and related genera, s one might well imagine.
The most recent winner edged out all of the competition, challenging a standing world record for idleness – 15 hours and 39 minutes without so much as a wiggle or a twitch. Participants in this particular match were disqualified for falling to sleep or if they react in any way to the barrage of outside (often insulting) stimuli flung by a taunting ski crowd from behind the yellow police barriers.
Toole had no comment at the conclusion of the proceedings. His hobbies include breathing, staring at traffic and watching television.

Colona Fishing Fleet in Dry Dock Until June

The world renown Wildcat Fishing Fleet is winding down after a successful spring voyage to the Arctic. Commander Arthur Carpe of the flagship Navy Bean said most ships will be decommissioned but a few would journey south to cast their nets off the coast of Colombia. This is repeatedly recognized as one of the finest fleets on the planet. L-98 on your passport inserts. Here then are several of the more popular vessels and schedules for spring fishing expeditions.
OPEN BOATS
Outhouse Slew – Tuna only. 3 am. Don’t be late.
Dry Creek Queen – Pleasure boat. No fishing until after lunch.
Dexter Skipper – Daily trips to Nucla and Naturita. Paradox weekends.
Wahoo Catfisher – River fishing. High quantity catch. No cameras.
CHARTER BOATS
Dallas I and Dallas II – Shortfish, Walleye, Perch. Tuna salad served.
Mrs. Paul Star – Sails from Buckhorn. Flounder and cod on worms and grasshopper lures.

USFS TO PULL ASTROTURF

(Denver) The National Forests will be free of astroturf by summer according to the official word from the Department of the Interior. In a long-awaited announcement a spokesman, at the regional office here, confirmed that the removal of the dangerous material would begin as early as next week.
Before the agency can actually tear out the synthetic grass replacement, it must shoulder the task of removing snow. Although the white stuff has been sparse so far this year it is still a monumental task at best. Already gov’ment agents have combed the public houses in search of a labor force. Over 500 snowplows are expected by the weekend, many dropped from helicopters or acquisitioned from local peasants.
According to an official document the USFS says it has condemned forest floors in San Juan, Uncompahgre, Gunnison, Mesa and White River National Forests. Isolation of elusive astroturf colonies in the other forests will follow.
“We wanted to begin the demolition in areas far away from the major population centers in case we foul up the works,” said Maggie Pye, an forest service officer who admittedly has not been in the woods since 1974. “I can’t get away from my desk but I get to wear the official uniform and all,” she quipped. “I even get to carry a gun.”
The action appears to be a result of a gov’ment study on the health of animals currently residing on the federal land. Since the installation of the astroturf, knee injuries among the elk population have doubled while the lighter deer have been almost injury free under normal conditions. When it rains or snows that changes drastically.
“We’ve had more mule deer in rehab since 1985, when that carpet was added to the woodland ecology, than we had since we started counting the animals,” said Pye. “The majority of the deer suffer from knee injuries too.”
Other smaller animals, and even a black bear or two, have suffered career-ending damage as a result of the astroturf which does not give at impact.
“Just the other morning several of us watched as a snowshoe rabbit planted his paw in an attempt to elude a mountain lion, continued the source. “Then we heard a snap…it was his little knee and the rabbit was lunch. After a few years’ exposure to the elements, the astroturf turns to a slippery clay-like substance when it gets wet. We’ve no choice but to pull the stuff up or build a dome over the forest.”
With all the competition for herds in the mountain west combined with the salaries one would think the powers that be would see the disastrous affects of astroturf, adds Pye.
“Sure it’s virtually maintenance free and looks great from above but it’s only a small step up from asphalt. In addition it’s inedible and the larger mammals have trouble sleeping on it. I prefer to blame the engineering department for the whole mess.”
The original expense incurred when the astroturf was first laid came in at about $620,000. The cleanup is projected at slightly higher.
“But that takes into account inflation over the past 15 years,” said Pye. “Either way, we think it’s a good deal for the taxpayer. I just can’t wait to see the look of the bears’ faces when they wake up to real grass in the spring.”
The astroturf tailings will be stored at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Golden until it goes away.
– Kashmir Horseshoe

State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by June

(Denver) Strategists here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 145 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as March 15.
“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said Melvin O’Toole, planner and recognized brains behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”
The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.
“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toole. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”

Verbal Teas Dominate Market

(Manana) A revolutionary blend of verbal tea has nailed down a 35% beverage market share after only one week on the shelves. According to tea wizards at Terrestrial Seasonings, a Colorado-based herbal health concern, the initial impact was greater than expected leaving the cupboard bare for the time being.
“Out teas will help people to better express themselves, their inner feelings, their outer limits,” said Howie Spout, a spokesperson for Terrestrial. “As the name implies we are of the earth but looking into the cosmos for new direction, new awareness, new tea bag designs.”
Spout was quick to point out that Terrestrial was in no way associated with the Tea Party or any of its supporters.
According to the company’s official statement, a single cup of verbal tea will noticeably stimulate a drinker’s use of action words and spike his oral vocabulary. In lab experiments, researchers found that the rats chattered more clearly and carefully in conversation with other rats after sipping a saucer of verbal tea.
“Although these disease carrying, crop destructive rodents have no written language, communication within the cells and sects seems quite smooth,” said Spout, “and sophisticated in a highly evolved idiomatic manner.”
Verbs, of corpse, are the basic elements of sentence structure that provide action and movement – the caffeine of grammar. Terrestrial expects to stay with a winner and leave nouns, adjectives and adverbs to the other guys.
The verbal teas come in assorted flavors and phonetics such as Blackberry Past Tense and the popular Hibiscus Present-Perfect. The secret tea blends kindle the remote region of the brain cortex that is employed strictly for tantric eroticism, preparation of income taxes and conjugating verbs.
All of the teas are completely artificial and contain no natural flavors or ingredients. In the tradition of Terrestrial, the colorfully decorated boxes are covered with annoying sayings such as “You can’t change the world but you could change your underwear” and “Today is the first day of the mess of your life.”
Tea aficionados are encouraged to keep a wise eye out for Proverbial Tea this spring, a calming strain of Asian and Polar teas that incites drinkers to spurt out poorly timed and tiresome trivialities disguised as imperative directives and inspired declarations. We can’t wait.
– Fred Zeppelin

“Oh it looked about the way I pictured it. Flames, demons, not much to drink.” – Dante, remembering his visit to Hell.