All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Pedaling Socialism in DC
- It’s the Muslim Marxist agenda once again – pedaling socialism in Washington DC. These bicycles rent for a small monthly fee allowing for decreased auto traffic and affordable convenience for the people.Where will it all stop?
- (December 3, 2015)
King of the Blues Interview
“The Swan Song”
(Continued from the Mississippi Delta in the 1930s)
(Delta, Colorado — Rascals With Rhythm Bulletin — December 2, 2015)
Sunny Junta “Roy” Washington layin down some licks at the Heeny Tick Festival in June.
Sunny: Like I said, I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Your roots reach deep into the Mississippi Delta, into the South Chicago scene, into Motown. That’s quite diverse.
Sunny: Yeah, man. I’m the king of the blues, baby, the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Our sources tell us that you’ve released over 50 records and CDs since the Forties.
Sunny: I’m the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You’ve been pickin and singin for over 70 years. Sooner or later you’re gona drop dead. How do you feel about the hereafter?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: After reviewing several of your songs it appears that you concentrate on simple, repetitious themes that could become annoying after a while.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: We see that you travel with a complete orchestra. Are all these members really necessary or do you just like to be extravagant?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: There are plenty of musicians, such as Muddy Waters, B.B. King, John Hurt, John Lee Hooker and others who might claim to be the king of the blues.
Sunny: But I am the king of the blues, baby.
Horseshoe: According to your agent you received that boom box as a gift from Yassar Arafat after a performance in Palestine.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: It’s really loud. Can you turn it down so we can talk some more?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: He also told us you were the tenth of eleven kids born to sharecroppers around the turn-of-the-century. How old are you anyway?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You don’t look that old.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: One would think that all the drinking and partying would take its toll on a fellow your age.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: The liner notes on your King of the Blues album say you’ve been married eight times and have fathered more than 40 children.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: What did you and all of those wives find to talk about.
Sunny: Ain’t you been listenin’? I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Read any good books lately?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Here, eat these guitar strings.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Nice day. You think it’ll rain this afternoon?
Sunny: It’s possible.
Continued when a string breaks
Moooooooooooo…
Feeding time in Hooterville
Out for a drive on the Western Slope this weekend? Did you ever wonder why all those hicks keep so many cows around their houses? There’s a method to the madness as our diagrams and data will show.
1. Mr Rancher gets up before the sun every morning to fed his dairy cows. He feeds them pails of water and hay. They don’t drink coffee and eat doughnuts like you. The cows enjoy their breakfast inside the barn in stalls about the size of your condo’s bedroom. Cows like picnics, NASCAR and just about any outdoor event that breaks up the monotony.
Ain’t this a blast!
2. Later that morning the cows return the favor. Fueled by the crunchy sustenance the cows give back an assortment of products like milk, cream, eggs, lettuce and onions. That is why Mr. Rancher lets them loiter around on his land near his house all day.
3. Then Mr Rancher loads his homegrown hay for tomorrow or he goes to the feed store for vaccine and dehorner and the entire procedure begins again.
November 29, 2015
Dinner at Joe’s in DC
- Happy Holidays. My family at dinner at Joe’s in Washington DC. Great food and company.
Onion Shortage Could be Region’s Panacea
(Olathe, CO — Particularly Pungent Press — November 26, 2015)
The autumn onion crop shortages have created misery for some and obscene wealth for others according to Ag sources at Region Zen. In
addition to the scarcity of the edible bulb the spherical heads of greenish white flowers common to the mature plant are curiously absent as is the wafting aroma of onions ready to be picked.
Some people are trading exclusively in onions while others bemoan their lack of foresight and frugality when times were tough and onions commanded little.
The price of a pound of Brown Beauties is roughly twice that of gold on this morning’s commodities market. The strain, actual yellow or amber in the sunlight, have been a part of the Uncompahgre farmer’s landscape since the days of Fathers Escalante and Dominguez. * The same measure of onions is worth more than 20 times the tariff demanded for a pound of Russian caviar or a comparable weight of petrified marmot marrow, valued as an aphrodisiac in China.
“People around these parts are throwing away their worthless currency and trading exclusively in onions,” explained on extension service source.
“Dollars are backed with nothing but promises while these beauties are backed by the Precious Pungent Standard. The deficiencies started the ball rolling before the crop was even disbursed. The impact was immediate.”
Profits, for a chosen few, have become exorbitant, dictating life styles and creating an entire generation of onion gentry while others go without.
Attempts to reign in illegal trafficking and wildcat commerce have fallen on deaf ears as the lure of wealth drifts across barren fields and dried up arroyos.
“I remember when the little bastards would fall off the trucks and nobody even stopped to pick them up,” said Lorenzo Halfwitte, who moved to Olathe from Pea Green back in 1906. Kids used the vegetables to throw at other kids. Goats ate them for breakfast. Today one never sees an onion lying around unattended. It’s paper money that blows around all over the place.”
As of October over 200 new millionaires have joined the ranks of the newly anointed. A throng of new eateries have emerged cater to the whims of these wealthy pockets of unbridled affluence. Restaurants named The Pungent Victual, the Stark Scallion and the Gilded Lily Lounge poke their heads above the old main street luring diners to lush garden settings and sidewalk social scenes. Onion gourmets fill the lavish high-rise apartment edifices that have sprung up overnight to accommodate the hoards of chefs who have come to Olathe to study under the masters.
On the flip side people all over the world suffer from bland diets and cooking itself is stashed on the back burner likely void of imagination and certainly as an art form. Garlic and cayenne cannot carry the weight by themselves.
“These people didn’t pay attention when the bottom fell out nor did they act when the top blew off,” says Halfwitte, whose personal income is estimated in the millions.
And now related products such as burlap and mesh (akin to onion packaging) have hit an all-time high especially on the Corning and Visalia commodities exchange. These once-discarded bags are now considered rare.
In trendy California homeowners use them to replace wallpaper and substitute for lawns in the time of drought. The word is out that the Brown Beauty is the only onion to serve at parties. Sales have skyrocketed in disproportion to the dearth. It is common knowledge that Californians spend over $200 annually on onion dips alone.
Closer to home culinary caravans descend on farmer’s markets before the vegetables can be sorted. Upscale clothing and perfume firms have flooded the place with expensive merchandise while gobbling up retail space on the main avenue as neighboring communities ride the coat tails of this bonanza. Office space at the prestigious Manufacturers’ Hangover Building has ascended $4000 a square foot and there are few vacancies.
Shallot Nights, a perfume fermented and bottled here, has created quite a stir in the marketplace as well as 300 high-paying jobs that further feed the enlightenment.
“It all comes down to patience,” quipped Halfwitte from his amber Rolls Royce pickup. “If you wait long enough somebody’s going to run short of something. All you gotta do is hold on to those trump cards until the right time.” – H.L. Menocken
* Our passing reference to Escalante and Dominguez solidifies a strong dependence on the crop from the beginnings of New World agriculture. Onions were an important staple in the diet of early explorers in Colorado and thought to prevent scurvy and halitosis in livestock by ancient civilizations like the Inca and Mayan groups.
No Accident Roto-Rooter Ad Seen on Obituary Page
(Montrose, CO — Our Frightening Universe — November 25, 2015)
A seemingly innocuous ad that appeared in today’s Montrose Daily Press could be a coded message to outer space aliens operating in the Uncompahgre Valley.
The advertisement in question for Roto Rooter services which appeared at the bottom of the regular Obituary Page may have far reaching significance for the future of human life on the planet.
Although concern remains at the preliminary stages some analysts insist the message is quite clear: An invasion is slated for the serious shopping days of December!
Aliens like these may be placing plumbing ads in local papers prior to an all-out invasion of earth.
While most cool heads prefer to ignore the development as accidental or simply a coincidence a growing number of citizens has come forward complaining of alien intrusions in their daily lives.
“I couldn’t find my car after a shopping trip downtown and I’m almost sure that those creatures (extraterrestrials) moved it,” said Enya Tiremount. “Who else could it have been? I had the keys right here in my purse!”
“There have been marks on my lawn since October,” echoed Marchal Cherubinoff, of Pea Green. “At first I thought the cows had done it but now I’m not so sure. There was somebody sneaking around in my front yard late last night but the dogs didn’t make a peep. When I got up to see about the commotion, I thought I saw a spaceship lift off but it could have been the neighbor’s Christmas lights.”
According to Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, chairman of the Zodiac-Celestial School of Dance at Cal Polygamy Institute in Paonia, the specifically placed Roto Rooter ad was no chance incident.
“These extraterrestrials are quite sophisticated a hiding their memorandums from the public eye,” he stressed. “They sneak around placing thinly veiled, coded instructions in the most unlikely places throughout our infrastructures and disrupt our trusted cultural sources. They even relay their plans in our native language so as not to be discovered. Some appear disguised as actual Roto Rooter technicians. The make a mockery of our traditions. And they are too cheap to buy an proper ad.”
“I figure if I look at the obituary page and I’m not on it, it’s gonna be a good day all things considered,” laughed the trite Pennywhistle, “but this is an entirely different relationship to appraise. What could they be talking about? Have we finally pissed off the rest of the cosmos? What is he connection between Roto-Rooter and mortality?”
More on this as it unfolds. – Fred Zeppelin
