Onion Shortage Could be Region’s Panacea

(Olathe, CO  —  Particularly Pungent Press  —  November 26, 2015)

The autumn onion crop shortages have created misery for some and obscene wealth for others according to Ag sources at Region Zen. In
addition to the scarcity of the edible bulb the spherical heads of greenish white flowers common to the mature plant are curiously absent as is the wafting aroma of onions ready to be picked.

Some people are trading exclusively in onions while others bemoan their lack of foresight and frugality when times were tough and onions commanded little.

The price of a pound of Brown Beauties is roughly twice that of gold on this morning’s commodities market. The strain, actual yellow or amber in the sunlight, have been a part of the Uncompahgre farmer’s landscape since the days of Fathers Escalante and Dominguez. * The same measure of onions is worth more than 20 times the tariff demanded for a pound of Russian caviar or a comparable weight of petrified marmot marrow, valued as an aphrodisiac in China.

“People around these parts are throwing away their worthless currency and trading exclusively in onions,” explained on extension service source.

“Dollars are backed with nothing but promises while these beauties are backed by the Precious Pungent Standard. The deficiencies started the ball rolling before the crop was even disbursed. The impact was immediate.”
Profits, for a chosen few, have become exorbitant, dictating life styles and creating an entire generation of onion gentry while others go without.

Attempts to reign in illegal trafficking and wildcat commerce have fallen on deaf ears as the lure of wealth drifts across barren fields and dried up arroyos.

“I remember when the little bastards would fall off the trucks and nobody even stopped to pick them up,” said Lorenzo Halfwitte, who moved to Olathe from Pea Green back in 1906. Kids used the vegetables to throw at other kids. Goats ate them for breakfast. Today one never sees an onion lying around unattended. It’s paper money that blows around all over the place.”

As of October over 200 new millionaires have joined the ranks of the newly anointed. A throng of new eateries have emerged cater to the whims of these wealthy pockets of unbridled affluence. Restaurants named The Pungent Victual, the Stark Scallion and the Gilded Lily Lounge poke their heads above the old main street luring diners to lush garden settings and sidewalk social scenes. Onion gourmets fill the lavish high-rise apartment edifices that have sprung up overnight to accommodate the hoards of chefs who have come to Olathe to study under the masters.

On the flip side people all over the world suffer from bland diets and cooking itself is stashed on the back burner likely void of imagination and certainly as an art form. Garlic and cayenne cannot carry the weight by themselves.

“These people didn’t pay attention when the bottom fell out nor did they act when the top blew off,” says Halfwitte, whose personal income is estimated in the millions.

And now related products such as burlap and mesh (akin to onion packaging) have hit an all-time high especially on the Corning and Visalia commodities exchange. These once-discarded bags are now considered rare.

In trendy California homeowners use them to replace wallpaper and substitute for lawns in the time of drought. The word is out that the Brown Beauty is the only onion to serve at parties. Sales have skyrocketed in disproportion to the dearth. It is common knowledge that Californians spend over $200 annually on onion dips alone.

Closer to home culinary caravans descend on farmer’s markets before the vegetables can be sorted. Upscale clothing and perfume firms have flooded the place with expensive merchandise while gobbling up retail space on the main avenue as neighboring communities ride the coat tails of this bonanza. Office space at the prestigious Manufacturers’ Hangover Building has ascended $4000 a square foot and there are few vacancies.

Shallot Nights, a perfume fermented and bottled here, has created quite a stir in the marketplace as well as 300 high-paying jobs that further feed the enlightenment.

“It all comes down to patience,” quipped Halfwitte from his amber Rolls Royce pickup. “If you wait long enough somebody’s going to run short of something. All you gotta do is hold on to those trump cards until the right time.” – H.L. Menocken

* Our passing reference to Escalante and Dominguez solidifies a strong dependence on the crop from the beginnings of New World agriculture. Onions were an important staple in the diet of early explorers in Colorado and thought to prevent scurvy and halitosis in livestock by ancient civilizations like the Inca and Mayan groups.