All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

Senior Toole Approaching Tierra del Fuego

(El Bolson, Argentina Hielo y Mas Hielo December 9, 2015)

Former high wire great and often arrogant daredevil, Melvin Toole, is reportedly within 400 km, roughly 250 miles, of South America’s southern termination point at Tierra del Fuego.

The oft-thought foolish Toole, 96, as almost everyone knows by now, is orchestrating the world’s longest, as well as the highest altitude hot air balloon journey. Leaving from Dead Horse, Alaska in May he has successfully traversed the Rockies and a good chunk of the Andes on his windy sojourn. He hopes to set a slew of records which this newspaper will undress when he lands.
Due in part to a hasty departure supplies began running short before the balloon was really off he ground.

Aerial photo of the ground (somewhere in Patagonia) from 38,000 feet

“We ran out of water somewhere over eastern Montana,” explained the pilot. “Hey, I was pretty exited. This is my first solo (flight). I’ll pay closer attention next time.”

If there is a next time Toole says he will confine his take-offs and landings to vacant lots, golf corpses and waste dumps preferring to stay a little closer to home.

“It’s the running that gets to me,” he said. “The takeoff requires that I achieve a minimal ground speed before I leap. My knees are shot and I don’t have the torque I had when I was 80.”

When asked in a grounded interview why he would risk his life, forego creature comforts and expose himself to the elements it such a stark manner he smiled.

“The adventure of it – firmly entrenched in our popular culture! The quest to conquer! The thrill of taming the wilderness! The view, plus Im bored watering the garden and chopping firewood. That’s pretty much all they’d let me do around this assisted living prison.”

Large crowds, comprised of adoring females, have formed to cheer Toole in his balloon.

Then one day Toole jumped in his 1939 Studebaker Champion and whisked to the local Balloon World where he bought the largest and brightest balloon they had on the lot. The gear came with a five minute instruction video that was in Italian.

The dashing aviator/pilot, wearing little more than a Calais scarf and storm Bergenstocks, escaped from Happy Face Rest Home in April and avoided the authorities until he launched himself in May.

“I want to swim with the seals and dine with the penguins,” he nodded. “but I’m getting ahead of myself here since I haven’t really landed yet.”

– Paula Parvenue

Canales de video para acortar versiones

(Hollywood – Empresas de distracción del golpe –  8 de diciembre, 2015)

Los principales redes de videos musicales comenzarán presentando video resumen de vídeos de música popular en lugar de todo el vídeo. Los productores de programas musicales, incluyendo MTV tristemente dicen que son la personalización de las presentaciones debido a la disminución capacidad de atención de la opinión pública estadounidense.

“El tiempo de visualización normal para el presente video musical es de 3 minutos”, explicó Oh Pi Bass, Itinerante Jefe de metro Suburban Registros aquí. “La mayoría de la gente hoy en día no se pueden concentrar en tanto como dos líneas y mucho menos una historia.

“La idea es acortar el vídeo a 15 segundos con sólo el ritmo adecuado y suficiente bache y moler para mantener la atención de una piña o calabaza de verano.

“Acabamos de mostrar un destello de piel, un primer plano de algunos rockeros de mala calidad frente a una multitud salvaje y esperamos por la caja registradora”, dijo Bass.

Ya las redes de la música country droguería han comenzado abreviar su programación de marca. Algunas de las estaciones más pequeñas, incluso echar un corto segmento o la lírica y el presente vacío que de cualquier imagen.

“Es un poco como la radio”, dijo.

– Susi Burr-Banke

Affordable Housing Crisis Takes New Turn

Once sacred cows, historical sites like Mesa Verde may soon rush into the fray due to chronic  housing shortages and the seasonal employee housing crunch in Colorado. Surrounded by thousands of acres of public land, local brain trusts  were quick to examine the very controversial opportunities of “tapping in” to existing space in the Rockies. (December 7, 2015)

Census Bureau “Foggy” Over Loss of Stats

(Washington DC    It’s Not Our Money Gazette   November 27, 2015)

Population statistics painstakingly collected in 2010 are feared lost due to a shredding frenzy in the capital. That’s one theory. The census numbers, gathered and calculated during an intense six-month effort, appear to be history according to a bevy of federal agencies, none of which are accepting the blame for the colossal snafu.

The gov’ment, scurrying to whitewash the foul up has yet to face the music insisting that the census results are “around here somewhere” and “will turn up”. That’s theory number 2, or maybe 3.

Mounds of trimmed gov’ment issue paper discarded in dumpsters behind at least 15 different federal buildings suggest otherwise.

The official Census Bureau position is simply that one of its high-ranking analysts took the population count home with him and has failed to return.
“It’s like losing a set of car keys,” said Bambi Bombi, a supervisor of some sort. “It could happen to anyone.”

Meanwhile at shredding central the search continues. Critics say the feds should simply own up to the mistake before it reaches scandalous proportions. Republicans blame President O’Bama and the Democrats are attempting to deflect negative publicity so close to an election year.

The Census people are reportedly “getting down” (to the bottom of all this mess) and have identified certain persons of interest who may have engaged in sabotage or terrorism. Why anyone would want to destroy a worthless and inaccurate roster like the Census makes little sense.

“Motives be damned,” said acting director J. Thespian Footlights. “We are left without our statistics. Without names and numbers we cease to exist as a valid government agency.”
Both political parties are already engaged in compiling patriot census figures that, as might be expected, favor certain agendas. The GOP says everyone is quite content while the Democrats say everyone is pissed.
A herd of university mathematicians is expected to arrive Friday to concoct a new formula for counting the burgeoning population here and in other parts of the world. -Eamon O’Murgatroy
“The Yurok people of Northern California would not talk to dogs for fear of them talking back – source “Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher”. We don’t know if the tradition continues today.

“Bad Haircuts”

(Muttontown Follicles   Gunnison, CO   December 5, 2015)    

Continued from page 489

so that there was little left on top and a healthy harvest of grey strands on the side. For the finishing touches Wally shaved a six-inch semi-circle around the left ear and applied bootblack to the right temple. When he swung his victim around for a look into the cloudy mirror, he sat back in anticipation.

“Kill him,” said Black Bart to the members of his gang who had now succumbed to laughter. “It’ll take two months for my scalp to recover and maybe a year or two before I can rob banks again. No barber, even one who says he’s from St. Louis, is worth this!”

Wally was quick to react.

“I’m awful sorry Bart, about your hair and all. I’d be happy to start from scratch and throw in a case of this hair tonic, which, if you ain’t too picky, tastes all right besides.”

Bart took a sip, snarled and motioned toward his men to do their duty. When they got Wally outside he talked them into a simple tar and feathering instead of the termination. The entire town, especially the ones who had gone under Wally’s scissors, turned out for the event. It was the first excuse for the ladies to don their finery and the men to wear their church-going suspenders since Old Man Rathboone was lynched back in ’88.

When Wally finally came to, he was stuck to a barrel cactus some 10 miles from Rodentville. He was covered with tar, scattered with feathers and someone had shaved his head.

“I wonder who did the barbering,” thought Wally. “I could use an assistant.
Wandering off toward bright lights and barber poles Wally, engaged in some much belated soul searching.

“I think I actually enjoy giving bad haircuts,” he mused. “How sick. No wonder I’m always getting beat up or driven out of town. Maybe I should look for another line of work,” he thought, staring down at his traveling barber kit.

“I’ve been trampled in Topeka, worked over the Wabash and had both legs broken in Marietta,” he shrugged. “but I’ve seen a lot of country and met a lot of great people in my travels. Some of them even let me cut their hair!”

Wally’s barber kit was comprised of six scissors, an assortment of combs, two mirrors, a straight razor and a dozen bottles of hair tonic. It had miraculously survived his most recent ordeal.

“I can’t quit now,” he said to himself. “I have too much invested.”
After five lonely, thirsty days on the road Wally arrived in Muttontown, on the banks of the Dirty River. He walked into the Broken Dreams Saloon and ordered a beer.

“Howdy, stranger,” said a saloon hall girl from the corner. “What brings you to Muttontown?”

“I’m a traveling barber,” said Wally. “I’m in search of work.

“Really?” asked the girl sincerely. “That’s right amazing, since our last barber was killed in a gunfight last night.”

“Is that a fact?” gestured Wally.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 889

Video Channels to Shorten Versions

(Hollywood — Diversionary Enterprises Beat – December 4, 2015)

Leading music video networks will begin presenting video highlights of popular music videos instead of the entire video. The producers of musical programs, including MTV sadly say they are customizing the presentations due to decreased attention span of the American public.

“The normal viewing time for the present music video is about 3 minutes,” explained Oh Pi Bass, Itinerant Head of Underground Suburban Records here. “Most people nowadays can’t concentrate on so much as two lines much less a storyline.”

The idea is to shorten the video to 15 seconds with just the right beat and enough bump and grind to hold the attention of a pineapple or summer squash.

“We just show a flash of skin, a close-up of some sleazy rockers in front of a wild crowd and wait by the cash register,” said Bass.

Already the drugstore country music networks have begun abbreviating its branded programming. Some of the smaller stations even take a short segment or lyric and present it void of any imagery.

“It’s kind of like radio,” he said.

– Susi Burr-Banke