All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Polo Norte Residentes Caliente Bajo Cuello
Estrés de las fiestas se cobra su peaje
(Canada Ocupada – Estrellas Y Hombres Sabios – 15 de diciembre, 2015)
(Prince of Whales Island) No podría haber llegado en un momento más difícil. Navidad estaba en el aire, los plazos fueron clavados en la pared. La crisis de vacaciones fue respirando en el cuello de los elfos y renos, de mismo Santa. Eso es probablemente lo hizo.
Todo comenzó cuando Red Sayles anunciado renos en el menú sobre el Ártico Cafe. Se jactaba de renos frito, estofado de reno, incluso renos escalloped. Se supone que es una broma, para aclarar las cosas antes de la locura de Acción de Gracias, pero fracasó. Líneas de renos piquetes lugar de rojo, no sólo la interrupción de su comercio lucrativo pero causando un vacío en la fuerza de trabajo local sobre en el granero trineo.
La palabra es que Red no va a acabar con los signos y los rebaños seguir protestando su falta de sensibilidad política. Él no ha vendido sólo algunos de los elementos destacados tampoco.
Por supuesto, si los equipos musculares navideño no tienen suficientes quebraderos de cabeza, su líder autoimpuesta, Rudolph, es víctima de viajes del ego recurrentes. Al parecer, ha tratado de conseguir su compañero de renos a jurar lealtad al rey Rudolf. Él ha formado un sistema de silbatos y espejos con el fin de mostrar mejor su nariz, y él insiste en aterrizar primero en todas y cada techo, de modo que sea el tema principal de visualización trineo de cada niño.
“Es bastante malo que tenemos que transportar el chico de grasa alrededor de toda la noche”, dijo Prancer, un reno de voz suave, de género no identificado.
“Entonces tenemos que escuchar a Rudolph dando órdenes. Es suficiente para hacerme volver a trabajar en los campos de la tundra “.
Los renos no son los únicos molestos con el tamaño de Santa.
“Hey, no es como que pagamos de primera clase para los paseos en trineo”, dijo Groppo, un elfo de bajo grado “, ni tampoco es una cuestión de pasar la noche la entrega de regalos con el viejo pedo. Es sólo que se ocupa tanto espacio una vez a bordo. No hay espacio para los presentes así que tenemos que seguir el trineo principal alrededor con trineos que orbitan más pequeños. Además, nos pasamos mucho tiempo probando su trineo para la seguridad. Funciona muy bien cuando él no está bogging cosas “.
Muchos elfos insisten en que Santa no escucharlos.
“Sólo porque nos gusta la perforación del cuerpo y fuman cigarrillos (94% de los elfos fuman al menos cuatro paquetes de cigarrillos por día) le da la espalda a nosotros. Nos instalamos con las compañías tabacaleras. Papá (él mismo un elfo, aunque una habitación para no fumadores) consiguió su pedazo del pastel “, continuó Groppo.
“Sin duda ha notado cómo la televisión retrata el macho americano medio como un estúpido, loco de fútbol, infantil, ovejas sobrepeso, suburbano? Papá nos hace pasar a otras culturas o menos de la misma manera que sólo él nos pinta con jugo de tabaco en la barbilla, anillos en la nariz, y una pinta en nuestros bolsillos traseros. No es así, no en estos días de todos modos. Se cree que es el gran kahuna, el don, el rey nórdico. Bueno, no lo es. nada más que un elfo que estaba en el lugar correcto en el momento adecuado “.
Otros elfos decir la cuña con Santa tiene que ver con resultados de exámenes pobres.
“Claro nuestros resultados de las pruebas son desde hace unos años, pero la mayoría de nosotros tenemos que mantener un segundo trabajo para sobrevivir. Me entrego pizzas. Mis hijos trabajan en el lavado de autos. Mi hermano lleva a los turistas para paseos en motos de nieve “, dijo Rasputín, un elfo flaco de barba oscura y ojos pequeños y brillantes.
“La mayoría de nosotros ni siquiera pueden pagar un pase de esquí, aunque las zonas de esquí están ubicados en tierras públicas”, añadió un tercer duende, llamada Elsie. “Estábamos acostumbrados a colarse en los ascensores disfrazados de niños, pero las voces más profundas y el vello facial que nos regalan estos días. Incluso nosotras. ”
– Cachemira Herradura
A Bad Dream Fulfilled
As you all know our beloved Broncos’ offense took a powder, and little else, in a disastrous loss to the barely there Oakland Raiders Sunday. I realize that it is just a game and all really stupid but I was disappointed and offended by the masquerade that took place most every time the Broncos had the ball.
Please, Gary have them throw the ball down (the field) before we throw up. The constipated offensive scheme is not working. Where was the offensive line? How many dropped passes. How many fumbled punts?
For the offense: a most poorly coached and played game in front of God and fans. The second half effort should be filmed and marketed as a sleep aid for insomniacs. For the talented defense: another spoonful of frustration and fatigue.
Many of us discovered on the high school gridiron that launching the ball way the hell down the filed opens up options for the running game. Duh.
How do you expect to compete with Pittsburgh next weekend?
Closing quips: RAIDERS ASK FANS TO CEASE AND DESIST
Gothic-Pro Wrestler mentality does not help the team says ghost of Al Davis: “I may have been in need of a shampoo but you people “are fecking freaks of nature”
Yule Jewel Astrograph
(Mañana, Colorado Yuletide Crier and Whiner DEC 13, 2015)
General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very cosmic existence. Sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by his frank evaluations. Go ahead now and open your presents.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Growth may arrive in strange little packages with odd wrappings and a painful bow on the top. A choice is obvious although primary options may lead one to believe he is at the mercy of his own stupidity. Look before you leap but never through rose colored glasses. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are strictly summer concoctions and should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Learn to juggle ideologies and balance an opinion on the end of your nose.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Peace on Earth is not an advertising slogan. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club instead in order to better reach those empty spaces between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look extremely encouraging for most Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative and zoo breath will cause yet another social explosion. Don’t take any crap off your boss. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Cows in the corn.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. Thus far you have managed to waltz through life without ever considering where you came from and where you’re going. Good job. If you can keep cruising at this pace you should achieve true enlightenment by next Thursday night. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your intellect. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Comparison shopping may convince you to shun the roll of consumer altogether. Call someone in Cleveland Heights tonight.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Just because salmon insist on running upstream doesn’t mean you have to follow. Go with the flow but only on your own terms. Playing the waiting game is much safer in the middle of the river. Avoid predictable feeding habits. It’s time to put on that extra layer of fat for the winter before the bait goes south. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. When dealing with family members keep in mind that they operate on similar misconceptions. It’s genetic. Get off your high horse. He will only throw you when you least expect it. Tonight: In preference to rolls, skip the chips.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper lip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but first you must make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. There’s nobody out jogging at two in the morning. Don’t wish too hard for something or you might pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is alright if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Tonight: Spend time with a social parasite.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your good humor and charisma are getting old. Try the scrooge approach that way people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas.You will perform best today by staying out of the mainstream. Buying people off could be better than putting them on. An old lover will hit you with a wrought iron cane or bamboo rocking chair in the wee hours. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of cold oatmeal. If you intend to speak from the heart today make sure to bring along a choreographer. Confusion reigns and that’s lucky for you since it is one of the only things you are good at. Tonight: Academic strolls down primrose lane.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Dreams of travel should not be chronicled by sleeping in your car. You may not work well under pressure this month. Try letting the air out of your ego. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Tonight: Keep eating fruitcake.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy, early morning trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken may net unexpected results in the early morning. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are better. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of rap music.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for fireworks on the 30th. Don’t do it or you could get burned. Today is a perfect time to fill your dance card for the winter as the band plays on. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and Christmas cards altogether. Traveling to the beat of a different drummer may require a foghorn. Decisions can best be made by the flip of a coin. Tonight: A fish has his fins on you.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. Turn up the bass. Let us know what happens. You’re going to heaven all right but get to the airport early to go through security. We care. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Wait for blocking before attempting a runback from deep in your end zone. Sometimes it’s better to settle for the sure thing and begin your operations from the 20 yard line. Although the element of surprise is valuable, punting too early could leave you with terrible field position later in life. It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. Tonight: Drinking to excess has always been an option
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Attempts to expand your knowledge are almost certain to be successful considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is still moving in reverse and headed for that Ford pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus will enter your sign for a three-week stay – Better stock up on toilette paper. If you spend all your money on trivial things you won’t have to worry about that stack of bills screaming for attention. Turn down the volume and enjoy what you certainly cannot understand. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle. Tonight: Swoon.
Deceased Motorists Chalk Up Big Wins
(Delta — Sawmill Mesa Courier — December 12, 2015)
Downwind from Grand Mesa and across the Gunnison Spillway departed motorists are celebrating tonight. After a landslide victory at the polls they will not only be able to retain a driver’s license in the beyond but will be allowed to operate private transportation (automobiles) during daylight hours in secure areas here on earth.
Secure areas include Delta County and most of the West End in Montrose County.
Amendment Number 611 assures that deceased drivers have access to the highways when others are not using them and will not be required to carry car insurance. Even the ruthless insurance cartels have not figured out how to extract monthly payments from the pork barrel of the hereafter.
In addition to these newly secured rights our departed fellows are not obliged to honor traffic lights, stop signs, speed limits, crosswalks or other obsessive, and often confusing limitations imposed by gov’ment.
Many of these “already landed” motorists can be identified by the easily discernable VL on their Colorado license plates and the glazed look plastered across their mugs as they drift across that big yellow line in the sky.
Next time: “Skinny Roads and Fat Drivers”
Google Acquires Yahoo, Amazon
(Hillbilly Heaven — Hootin’ Holler Times — December 11, 2015)
With the purchase of Yahoo this week, near-do-well Barney Google is now in firm control of the three of the largest Internet concerns on the planet. The new media/web baron, “with the Goo Goo Googly Eyes” had little comment on the takeovers saying only that the entire experience was “bodacious”.
Most of you out there in Readerland probably don’t remember Barney Google, a somewhat shiftless comic strip character obsessed with horse racing, poker and prizefights. Google first appeared on the sports page of the Chicago Herald & Examiner in 1919. He shared top billing with Snuffy Smith (pronounced Smif in Hootin’ Holler) in the comics for decades only to be overshadowed by Snuffy, Loweezy, Jughaid and Tater by the 50s.
Dining with Smith/Smif (a known chicken thief) and his beloved racehorse named Spark Plug Google could only smile at the developments raging around him. Thousands of employees to guide, millions of dollars on the table, brutal competition and newly unleashed power did not appear to faze him as he sipped tea with his favorites including his faithful nag, Spark Plug, who was given special dispensation to join the party a the often ostentatious Seneca Village Tavern in Manhattan’s Central Park.
Google will remain in New York long enough to sign papers and talk to bankers before returning to more comfortable environs of his Southern Appalachian hamlet in the Smokey Mountains.
“Balls of fire!” exclaimed Smith when told Google would invest 10% of all future earnings in corn licker enterprises, one of Snuffy’s fiscal pursuits. “Them revenooers ain’t gonna catch me this time. Now I’m bona fide.”
For further research see: The Google is a water monster that prowls gardens at night. A Google is also a very large number (usually associated with money or currency)
Celebrity Tour Popular Diversion
(Ridgway, CO Miller Mesa Moon and Stars December 10, 2015)
The 2015 Cow Creek Celebrity Tour has been well received and will expand in 2016. Over 20 celebrities, new to the area, have already signed up to view the homes of carpenters, plumbers, masseuses, cowboys and teachers in Ouray County.
The weekend experience is expected to give celebrities (many of whom are self-crowned) a chance to see how mere mortals live their lives. Organizers hope the visits will give the celebrities a peek at acceptable mountains fashion, interior design and culinary preferences in the Rockies.
“That was the first time I’ve ever been in a trailer,” said one sweet young arrival from California. “They’re nice.”
Coming autograph sessions will allow everyone to rub elbows after touring Ridgway Hardware, Billings, Rocky Mountain Jewelry and Alternative Power Enterprises. These leading businesses will offer wine and cheese and encourage conversation between the two entities.
Maps to the local’s homes are available at the local chamber of comments as well as through The New Chinese Theater, Dogs Are Profitable and the Integrated Shelter for Telluride Refugees, which is under construction above the water treatment plant on Domka Avenue.
“Things were rough around here before all the celebrities showed up,” said one old timer from his rocker at the Cookie Tree Saddle Shop. “But now we’re all saved.” – Mario Swervo
