All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
EGGNOG CHOWDER
HOLIDAY cash flow problems got you down. Send us your cash…We can make it flow. Armageddon Plumbing and Heating
Kittens for Christmas! $550. Don’t wait. At these prices they won’t be around come New Years and, we don’t have to tell you, the price will be higher in 2016. Yes, we still have a few carloads of wet, dirty newspapers at $150 per pound; earwig infested army tarps: $600 (2 for $1100); used vacuum cleaner bags (full): $800; Mildewed blankets and baby clothes starting around $1000. Much more. Free hot dogs for the kiddies. Catastrophe Realty. 3655882299775544 Road, Olathe. Honk. We got mean dogs and the front lawn is mimed for some of that ambience. No checks. No Irish.
We will continue to enforce the standing moratorium on arts and crafts booths inside Eisenhower Tunnel through spring. Status and validity of produce and fish shacks will be determined by demand . No more warnings. CDOT.
Looking for athletic man or woman to jump out of Cadillac traveling at speeds up to 75 miles per hour. Automatic transmission, power steering included. Good pay. Bathtub Speedway.
For sale: One shiny red sleigh without the eight tiny reindeer. The thing crashed on my land and my freezer was empty. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, Bub. Carmichael Enterprises, Log Hill Mesa.
Wooden teeth, pornographic jello molds, plutonium money clips, aluminum palm trees, cloth birds, personalized pine cones. Will not break up sets. Great gifts. Pat Rat’s Emporium, Manana.
If you survive Christmas Brunch, I’ll buy you Christmas dinner. December 26 only. Grady’s Gravy Heaven. Not associated with Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon or Taco Hell. (Published December 20, 2015 Eggnog Chowder.
Early morning Santa needed for 1935 department store. No drunks. Must enjoy squealing children and consumerism. Black and white only. Apply at Who’s On First National Bank Lobby.
Unchain my heart but chain up your bald tires at Tyrone’s Sassafras Pass Gas. Just say “Lift me up, Tyrone.” Happy January.
Needed: Rare adjectives, articles, pronouns and colloquialisms for going newsletter. Cash paid daily. See Mr. White at the Indian Massacre Holiday Inn between 10 am and 2 pm any day but today. Sorry, we are not accepting adverbs. American Word Brokers, Tacoma.
Will trade nuclear secrets for cup of rice. Contact Ping Pong Moon in Pyongyang.
Support Wireless Border Security today and keep those people out. Just because your families came from somewhere else doesn’t mean we need any more foreigners in this country. Support the Trump-Cruz Solution. Join a boy scout militia near you now!
Heloise: Please call Abelard on the Pope’s cell phone. Eggnog chowder on Tuesdays only.
Safe Cracking Seminar: Holiday bills got you down already? Do something about it. Learn to break into safes, skirt security alarms, leap tall buildings at a single bound…Testosterone Brothers Financial. We have answers for you!
Televisions surgically removed from your home. Painless out-patient surgery by TV doctors. Post-operative therapy included. Expanded Definition Pest Control of Colona.
Hey Santa: Yo dude.
Why kill a turkey or a pig for Christmas dinner when fish sticks are already dead? Holiday Diner’s Quadrant, Cahone.
Recovering Born Agains: Rid yourself of spiritual parasites without denial, powder or counseling. In only three minutes per day you can talk yourself out of what you talked yourself into in the first place. Make sense? Send cash contribution to Lestor Ribald. I am in league with the devil and the deep blue sea. – ad paid for by The Bogeyperson.
Hunt buffalo right from your seat. Weekly tours. Amtrak. We’re in the Jello Pages.
Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Offer good only till Christmas Eve. Rudolph.
Rocky Mountain Oyster cufflinks…The perfect gift for the gourmet on your gift list. $15 at Big Bart’s Back Porch Sushi, next to Montrose Books and Gargoyles.
2016 calendars. Could be worth millions if the world ends before 2017. Cash only.
Who took my Lou Reed VD from the Gag Me With a Spoon Saloon on Friday night? Give it back or I’ll cut you real bad. Flower, Norwood.
Christian swingers meets at Salvation Creek in Ridgway every Wednesday until something else develops. Bring your own rope.
Is your dog smarter than you? Close the credibility gap with secret night classes aimed at helping you catch up. Common sense, general knowledge, survival, adaptability, logic. Respond: Dogs Who Love Tequila, Wimpton.
Need person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday until spring. Applicant must have valid driver’s license and submit to simple vision test. No mystics. Demonstrated ability to get along with long-term clientele is a plus. Stop by in person (turn right at the dead end) and ask for Mr. Curtains.
Final scores: Silverton Hypochondria 5, Myopic Fields 4; Meade 12, Dog Fowl 0. More on the men’s room wall.
NORTH POLE RESIDENTS HOT UNDER COLLAR
Holiday stress takes its toll
(Prince of Whales Island) It couldn’t have come at a more difficult time. Christmas was in the air, deadlines were nailed on the wall. The holiday crunch was breathing down the necks of elves and reindeer, of Santa himself. That’s probably what did it.
It all started when Red Sayles advertised reindeer on the menu over at the Arctic Cafe. He bragged about fried reindeer, reindeer stew, even escalloped reindeer. It was supposed to be a joke, to lighten things up prior to the Thanksgiving madness but it backfired. Lines of reindeer picketed Red’s place, not only disrupting his lucrative trade but causing a void in the local work force over at the sleigh barn.
The word is that Red won’t take down the signs and the herds continue to protest his political insensitivities. He hasn’t sold but a few of the featured items either.
Of course, if the Yuletide muscle teams don’t have enough to worry about, their self-imposed leader, Rudolph, is victim to reoccurring ego trips. He has apparently attempted to get his fellow reindeer to pledge allegiance to King Rudolf. He has fashioned a system of whistles and mirrors so as to better show off his nose, and he insists on landing first on each and every roof, so as to be the primary subject of every child’s sleigh viewing.
“It’s bad enough we have to haul the fat boy around all night,” said Prancer, a soft-spoken reindeer, of unidentified gender. “Then we have to listen to Rudolph giving orders. It’s enough to make me go back to work in the tundra fields.”
The reindeer aren’t the only ones upset with the size of Santa.
“Hey, it’s not like we pay first class for sleigh rides,” said Groppo, an elf of low degree, “nor is it a matter of spending the night delivering presents with the old fart. It’s just that he takes up so much room once aboard. There’s no room for presents so we have to follow the main sleigh around with smaller orbiting sleighs. Besides, we spend a lot of time testing his sleigh for safety. It operates great when he’s not bogging things down.”
Many elves insist that Santa doesn’t listen to them.
“Just because we like body piercing and smoke cigarettes (94% of elves smoke at least four packs of cigarettes per day) he turns his back on us. We settled with the tobacco companies. Santa (himself an elf, though a non-smoking one) got his piece of the pie,” continued Groppo.
“You’ve no doubt noticed how television portrays the average American male as an overweight, stupid, football mad, infantile, suburban sheep? Santa passes us off to other cultures in much the same way only he paints us with tobacco juice on our chins, rings in our noses, and a pint in our back pockets. It’s not so, not these days anyway. He thinks he’s the big kahuna, the don, the Norse king. Well, he ain’t. nothin’ but an elf who was in the right place at the right time.”
Other elves say the wedge with Santa has to do with poor test scores.
“Sure our test scores are down from a few years ago but most of us have to keep a second job to survive. I deliver pizzas. My kids work at the car wash. My brother takes tourists for snowmobile rides,” said Rasputin, a skinny elf with a dark beard and beady eyes.
“Most of us can’t even afford a ski pass even though the ski areas are located on public lands,” added a third elf, named Elsie. “We used to sneak on to the lifts disguised as kids but deeper voices and facial hair give us away these days. Even us girls.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
December Features
Holiday Cookies Even the Dog Won’t Eat
But a Hot Oven Keeps the Whole House Toasty!
by Codger Bacon
in Culinary Quirks and Quibbles
Dinosaur Extinction Linked to Holiday Cheer
Burning the Candle at Most Ends
with Sir Otis of Liver
In Temporary Lifestyles
Breaking Down Emotional Chorals for Christmas
What can you do when the cows come?
with Dr. Efram Pennywhistle BFD, LSMFT
In Fleeting Mental Health
New Proof Surfaces:
Santa Not An American
Probably a Russian spy says former CIA operative
by Fred Zeppelin
in Zenith Celebrity Watch
Aggressive shoplifting for your Holiday Table
It couldn’t be easier and more fun!
by Small Mouth Bess
In Getting Started’s the Hardest Part
Plus extended postulates to eat, drink, fall from, roll in and be frightened to face.
Pick up your copy where you have your putter remounted
Under The Tree ’15
As has become tradition The San Juan Horseshoe is almost pleased to bring you this year’s compilation of innovative gifts for friends and family. Even the cynical recipient will agree that the following roster overrides a more tedious, humdrum collection of mall rat items, last minute shopping network lunges and precocious attempts at satisfying the holiday libido. More than likely all of these kinds of offerings are predestined for the trash or the toilet bowl just as soon as the giver is out of sight or earshot.
Herein peruse a colorful dung heap of benevolent boons that, if not endearing are enduring.
These carefully selected sugarplum diversions and brightly wrapped glitter are sure to jingle someone’s bells come Christmas morning. Go ahead, know-it-all, look for bonanzas such as these in Warren and Susie’s Wisconsin Cheese and Meat Flyer or in your local idiot-compatible discount armory. Search the blender aisle. Examine the cans of mace. Plow through the personal hygiene corridor. You will only find devastating disappointment by mail and/or the usual be-smocked clerk that doesn’t give a tinker’s damn if you drop dead on the way to the checkout stand. Merry Christmas.
SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe when used around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 at most New Age Western stores. Hang out at the drugstore in style in 2016!
Cordon Bleu Pollo Polo For Adults – It’s amazing what could go down on the field of play as chickens with Spanish surnames gallop for glory astride Belgian mounts full of oats and thistle. Resembles the classic kids’ Pollo Polo with the addition of depraved sexual innuendo, outright cheating and curious fowl language piped in on CD Ram. Board game or screen-proof software. Includes eggs, feathers, beaks and scoopers. Clucking available where appropriate. Easy clean-up with biodegradable electronic prod. Do you know someone who’s sick of the hype in professional sports? They’re sure to quack over this gem. About 60 cordobas with starter jiggers of cortisone. Rules in Italian only.
Chunnel # 5 – This meddlesome fragrance blends the international flair of below ground rush hour emissions from Calais to Dover with Friday night cod bakes on the English Channel. Versatile uses include blueprint fixer, nose hair removal tonic and seductive fish bait elixir. Each sampling comes wrapped in recycled mohair with a derby cap. Just like the fermented syrup given to milk maids in lieu of Hershey Bars after the Normandy invasion. In French with subtitles. About $40 per ounce at Stiff Upper Lips and We Shoot Shoplifters Gallery. (See Photo) Romance beckons with Chunnel.
Religious Intolerance Wind Chimes – A cousin to the popular Religious Intolerance Coffee Mugs that sold like wildfire last Christmas. Themes include Bells of the Spanish Inquisition, Impact Puritanism in New England, Short-Circuit Manifest Destiny, Pol Pot’s Jungle Gym and Serbian Voodoo Harmony. $500 in diverted Swiss gold. $200 in loathing silver.
Po’ Boy Smoked New Orleans Saints – A perfect appetizer for the bungler on your list since the head and the tail are going in two different directions at all times. Stuffed with clichés from leading sports broadcasters. Clever caricature of Drew Breeze on the front says Open Me First despite common consensus that just one whiff can stink up the entire Super Dome. I hear dat. Serve with schooners of Dixie and garnish with plain brown paper head accessories. Priced to move at $10 w/Fleur-de-Lis Card or will trade for gator bait.
Ancestral Map of South Central Los Angeles – Why risk going out at night in this neighborhood when you can have the complete diagram of all the action right there on the wall. In living color although life expectancy itself is smaller than imagined. This full color map is the perfect gift for the person who thinks he has it tough. Comes with stick-up pins, drive-by molding, trimmed in mindless crack cocaine. Implanted red lights go on and off whenever a person of color hits the street. Next to impossible maze shows the way out of a place where taxi cabs don’t go after 3 pm. Available at all Beer For Breakfast Outlets and at the Holy Democracy Mall. Price negotiable.
Election Year Promises Toilet Paper and Dispenser – Now there’s finally something worthwhile reading for the private times. Although the copy may become tedious, repetitious, be assured that every major candidate from the Twentieth Century is represented. Remember when Theodore Roosevelt promised that he’s shave his mustache if elected? What about burly William Howard Taft pledging to lose weight if sent to the White House? Who could forget Cal Coolidge and the Chicken in Every Pot pronouncement. Herbert Hoover promised to revive the economy and FDR swore he’d keep us out of war. The list goes on embracing Richard Nixon’s campaign covenant to “get us out of Vietnam” and Walter Mondale’s “Where’s the Beef” embarrassment. Purchase before December 24 and receive bonus gift: Bill Clinton’s Election Year Promises, which are chronicled on a separate family-size roll. Obama available in 2017. Dispenser comes in genuine 14-K pyrite. $15 per roll at most Annoying Gift Boutiques and at Brawl Marts.
19th Century Wyoming Family (Pictured) Sick of your family? Buy one from the Equality State. Grandma, grandpa, cousins, uncles and aunts all come already assembled. Wardrobes, insurance policies, retirement benefits, college educations and weekly meal allotments slightly more. Some with garages. Work out payment plan.
Automotive Satellite Dish – Do you know someone who likes to watch TV while they drive through rush hour? Well, your search could be over! Buy them a reception dish for the top of their vehicle. Won’t the neighbors be jealous when they see this baby in the driveway. Use it as a lightening rod. Take pictures beside it. Teach it to take the dog for a walk. Hang laundry off it. Fits monster trucks. Movie channels included. $45,000 firm at Castle Creek Guitars in Gunnison and at major electronic retailers (Pictured)
Cheeseburger replica health food bars – Gingko and Taurine content. Prescribed by Doogie Houser on his canceled TV show. Herbal kielbasa flash cards help users pick the right bar for the right exercise. Box of ten lasts 20 years. Skiers: What a delicious change from the tofu hot dog wagon! Hold your nose…Down the hatch. You’ll be glad you’re alive. $39.95 per package.
Wireless tuna locator and bona fide bean grill – Baja bound? Who ants to spend all day out catching dinner? Now a panga boat full of landlubbers can haul in trophy tuna in just minutes with the Wireless! Synthetic bait and chumming buddy make the entire experience aroma free. Bean grill works every time at barbecues where the fare is sparse. Free RV insignia earrings with purchase at the East Cape Smoke House in Los Barriles. $2500
E-Mail rectal thermometer – Got a sickly computer geek on your shopping list? This may look like a joke gift at first but a survey of purchasers confirms that it gets even more use than the nuclear butter dish and the peanut shell slippers from last Christmas. Buy the gift that is used with regularity. $19.99 at Emil Retentive Super Stores and Yuppie Palace.
Salem Witch File – Just like the ones used in bonfire rituals by the righteous folk back in early Massachusetts. Warning: Contains 17% frankincense and 3% myrrh. Metaphysical handle allows for easy grasp. Several easily attached sizes effective for an assortment of religious persecutions. Convenient case for the close-minded and terribly frightened. $7.99 at Cromwell’s and most spiritually corrupt hardware outlets.
“I Ching – What’s Your Name T-Shirt – The Rage in Hong Kong. Tye-Dyed. Reversible “I’m from Atlantis-Isn’t Everyone? on the other side. How clever. Sold at all Eat Shirt Stores and Shirt For Brains Boutiques. Overpriced at $15.
Elegant Lady Ski Run Eye Shadow – Let friends and lovers cruise the slopes in style if not with grace this holiday with their very own magnetic cosmetic fanny pack full of simulated ski run eye shadow. Names like Coonskin Blue, Upper Forest Chartreuse, Jokerville Wild, Apex Allure, Yellow Brick Charivari and the quasi-popular Orchidaceous Plunge will keep them blinking under the goggles. Guaranteed not to run like cheap Nordic mascara. Cryptic lipstick available in most shades. Normally $20 per quart but far cheaper in bulk at all Face Plant Stores and Primary Donna’s Boutiques.
Nuclear Micro-Brew Cell Phone Bingo Fax Lunch Box– Made of one part tupperware – two parts strawberry jello this could be the perfect gift for the person who craves technology or mixes business with pleasure. Bingo mode functional only on weekends. Lunch box doubles as roladex on command. Pilsner cell phone comes in three colors and is washable. Warning: Consumers are responsible for the removal of all nuclear waste generated from the operation of this device. $250.00 at Cheyenne Mountain Mall or look for further dealers next to “abandoned nuclear submarines” in the Jello Pages.
Books and Music Galore...The long awaited Death Row Cookbook has arrived along with The 48th Highlanders Pipe and Drum Corps Tribute to Lou Reed. Most stores are taking orders for The Vulgar Crossword Companion. Other anthologies include the coffee table version of the best selling Israeli Golan Heights Urban Renewal and Demolition Guide and the cultist The Autobiography of Gabby Hayes featuring a dynamic soft cover commemorative version woven from Hayes’ very own beard.
– H.L. Menocken, Holiday reveler
Yes, its snow…
A mailbox stands guard awaiting its lunch. Snow and foggy weather makes the San Juan mountains invisible from downtown Colona. (December 15, 2015)
ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY
We have grown tired of extending these seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the holidays we will reach deep and try to unruffle a few feathers once more.
First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing in the November issue regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste. Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that this was the case. The prints, as it turns out disappeared the night before this issue was to be put to rest and we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City de-lousing effort and some color pictures of Melvin Toole hanging Christmas lights at the one of our many local prisons.
Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens who, in most cases, seem to be able to handle three sheets to the wind without incident.
Implications that Groppo’s pathetic physical stature and “diminutive” mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetles, Twinkies and swamp grass digested while growing up in Kenner, Louisiana, is true. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian, who went missing in the bayou in 1968.
Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are unfounded and illegal. We did not ever say that his immediate family were drug addicts only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.
Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide. – Editor
