All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Green Lawn Key to Pearly Gates says Preacher
(LaPlata Purgatory Post — June 25, 2015)
People who maintain a nice plush lawn are more likely to get into heaven than folks who let their grass turn brown says Rev. Billy Dee Wannamaker. Speaking at the Blinding Restitution and Collection Plate Temple here Wannamaker, who has lived all but one day of his 57 years in Grand Junction, told a packed house “Green is good.”
“Why would God allow anyone into the Kingdom who couldn’t even take care of his lawn?” asked the reverend. “Think about it.”
Wannamaker’s sermons gained much notoriety back in the 90s when he successfully brought back a seeded lawn at Walker Field. In 1997 he directed what is now known as “the virtual miracle at Mack” where sagebrush was turned to sod before the eyes of the assembled.
He then sent Mesa County a bill for the water saying he owned the patent for irrigation systems in North America. Confused, frightened bureaucrats even sent him a check.
“That,” smiled one of the faithful, “was the Rev’s biggest miracle of all.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Master Race Planned for Utah
(Moab Monkeywrench – Deseret Edition — June 10, 2015)
The First ever Master Bicycle Classic kicks off this weekend near Canyonlands National Park. The race is expected to draw more than 400 participants and crowds numbering in the low thousands despite the raging heat.
Promoters told The Horseshoe that the race would bring $40,000 into the local economy. Not particularly anxious to elaborate, they concluded that since all the motels are filled and all the campgrounds overflowing “the event is a success before it even starts.”
If these people spend enough money we could shut this whole shooting match down until the fall when the temperature resumes a normal flow.
Melting bicycle tires and heat exhaustion are only a part of the fun according to an unidentified bicycle repairman.
“I have already sold 200 custom-made ice bag rubber insulators and it’s not even noon.” – Red Archer
DOW May Introduce Primates to San Juans
Silverton, CO — Monkey Business Release — June 10, 2015
Monkeys will soon roam with the bear and the elk in the San Juan Triangle if state Division of Wildlife zoologists have their way. A decision on the breakthrough placements will be made this week.
“When we say monkeys we mean Japanese Snow Monkeys, a species that could do quite well in these mountain environs. They live in cold, mountainous weather in Japan and the food chain is quite similar to that in our mountains,” said Betty Caige, an animal corrections expert with the DOW. “We cannot include tropical varieties on our new roster since most could not survive the harsh winters. The Japanese Snow Monkey, or macaque troupes are well suited for cold and snow.”
Until now genetic engineers have been reluctant to relocate macaques due to the potential for petty feuds with marmots, sheep, lions and ptarmigan that live up high in summer months. However after tedious study, researchers determined that since none of these species climb trees, conflicts could be easily averted.
“We see no reason why snow monkeys and the indigenous population can’t live as good neighbors,” said Caige. “We envision bighorns showing macaques the way to the hot springs and monkeys helping bears get honey from precarious branches.”
Exactly where the new residents might fit into the food chain is not clear although most contributing scientists view the primates as part-time carnivores who, if hungry enough might surround a deer or catch an occasional rabbit.
“They are smart,” said one biologist but not smart enough to build traps or blinds to catch game,” said Caige. “Most of these monkeys are primary vegetarians and will survive on leaves, berries and bark. But on special days they might feast on insects, eggs, small birds and even a fish or two.
“It’s difficult to imagine making it through an entire winter with nothing to eat but bark,” laughed Caige. “The monkeys will probably revolt and demand transfers. Why couldn’t we drop bananas during the brutal months?”
Forest Service bosses hope to create a much-needed source of cheap summer employment within these macaque ranks. Chores such as greeting campers, cleaning latrines and collecting tent fees are not out of the question.
“Monkeys can execute most tasks now performed by National Forest staffs and greenies and they don’t need a paycheck on Friday. They will work for bananas.” – Marvin Tinkleholland
AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE
(Special Report From Way Back in 1882 — June 10, 2015)
(Ouray – 1882) According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.
Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.
He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.
After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.
After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.
According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.
“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”
Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.
“We can’t keep a eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”
“Nobody outside of a judge’s chamber or a baby carriage believes in an unprejudiced point of view’. – Lillian Hellman
Summer Barbecue Safety Course Told
(Montrose, Colorado — January 10, 2015)
Colorado Fishy Game officials have announced the dates for the 2015 Barbecue Safety Corpse sanctioned by someone’s state gov’ment over there on the other side of the Continental Divide.
Anyone born after March 7, 1949 must attend the 80-hour classes and pass a written exam before they can pass an in-state barbecue license ($125 per year). Persons failing to achieve this smoky plateau are NOT IN COMPLIANCE with another one of our unnecessary but strictly enforced regulations.
“Anyone caught burning cash cows will be jailed,” said one well armed ranger from behind that fake tree over there by the wilderness signage.
This year most barbecue enthusiasts must register and show their license to purchase lighter fluid and other explosive devices used in the preparation of dinner. Charcoal is not affected by this new restriction.
“I’ve been cooking steaks on my grill for 60 years,” said Melvin “Big Hat No Cows” Toole, from his cell. “We’re breaking out of here tonight and cooking ribs. We’ve gone underground. The peelers will never find us,” he howled.
The dates for the safety courses are Saturday, June 21, 8 am to 5 pm; Tuesday July 14, 6 pm to 11 pm; and Thursday, August 13, 2015.
The often demanding curriculum will focus on safe use of charcoal, flammable clothing, wet matches, bad language in front of the children and pets (bonus seminar) and alcohol at the grill. Residents wishing to be subjected to this beneficial itinerary are instructed to bring 15 pounds of fresh meat. – Gabby Haze