All Entries Tagged With: "humor"

How to deal with woodsy pests

(Ouray Animals Aren’t People – June 10, 2015

If you are visiting our charming area this summer you may find yourself besieged by a variety of friendly yet bothersome creatures. These can be classified as pests. Some buzz you before the frontal assault and then sit back and laugh (Have you ever heard a hornet laugh?) as the victim breaks out in itches or welts on the exposed ankle or forearm.
Some pests cruise the attic in the middle of the night like rodent bowlers, the last celebrants on a winning team. Larger varieties, when startled, eat people on hiking trails, but only on occasion and only on when the berries and maggots aren’t readily available.
Actually Western Colorado does not have so many pests compared to a paradise such as Louisiana or Arkansas, where critters rule the roost. Dangerous snakes are rare, scorpions, like lepers of old, live in secluded colonies and we just signed a non-aggression pact with the mosquitos.
Even the ferocious Bearded Mushroom Constrictor, common the flatlands of New Mexico and Arizona, has not shown its flushed, tiny face in this country, other than to secure provisions, since 1967.
Without sounding pretentious this newspaper would like to share with you some of the local, and often starkly primitive ways of dealing with these animal-induced inconveniences.
WOOD TICKS – If you happen to notice a wood tick or, for that matter, a non-wood tick crawling your arm or leg do not attempt to remove it by flicking it or smashing it like a common housefly. These parasites are far too smart for that. These must be removed by flame, a cigarette, or alcohol. Any other solution will cause the bastards to bury their tiny, filthy heads into your skin. Then they just hang out until you get lime disease or Rocky Mountain Fever. The merciless disease is particularly ravaging within the white, urban, granola backpacking set that make up 87% of the visitors to the forest in summer. Another Mother Earth approach is to sneak up on the tick and yell loudly into its ear. This causes them to back out of the burrow and flee the scene.
BEARS – The only menacing bear to be found in Colorado is the Grizzly, which doesn’t exist here unless you see one in the woods. Black bear, which make up most of the bruin roster, are generally docile enough but in reality they are bored and often consider frightening a two-legged geek to be a valid pastime. If a bear gets to close do not make eye contact and attempt to make yourself seem larger (like many of the visitors walking around down in town) and make a lot of noise. If this doesn’t work…stand your ground. If that doesn’t work run like hell.
MARMOTS – Although not technically pests these whistle pigs can be an annoyance near your house during an eclectic storm when they attempt forced entry for fear of the lightening. Often they will volunteer to do yard work after the deluge. The truth is that they won’t pick up so much as a leaf and will scatter into the mountains the moment your back is turned. Considered cute by the uninitiated these little woodchucks enjoy climbing into the engine compartment of a new four-wheel-drive and eating all the rubber hoses. Not to be confused with moose which are larger.
HUMMINGBIRDS – Only God knows why anyone would go out and spend up to $25 on a plastic hummingbird feeder, specifically designed to attract these hyper, winged neurotics to their porch or patio. A favored way to ditch hummingbirds is to mix ½ and ½ vodka and sugar water in their feeders. After a few stops the birds either avoid the area altogether or become regulars and lapse into retelling the story of their life or the day’s misfortunes. Do these flamboyant travelers really piggyback on Canadian geese? We would pay good money for a photo of this behavior.
MOSQUITOS – Maybe the sleeper of the group the female mosquito can pass on malaria, encephalitis and other potentially devastating diseases without so much as disturbing your sleep, turning over the freezer or trampling the garden. Only the mosquito, and not even the treacherous Zancudo, has a net named after it…The mosquito net. Mosquitos are universally considered its and they don’t much like that. The experienced woodsman knows to quickly bring up their presence in camp conversation. They hate being talked about. Whispering, laughing and pointing at the mosquito works as well as expensive repellent. Offended buzzers will most likely find another victim rather than be humiliated. Fortunately mosquitos do not bite fools or schizophrenics.
– Marianne Swervof

Atlantis Massive Strip Mall Before Collapse?

(Uncooperative News Services – Colorado Rockies Edition – June 10, 2015)
The fabled lost continent of Atlantis most likely descended into a hodgepodge of gaudy strip malls before plummeting into the abyss, say a group of researchers credited with uncovering volumes of data on the lost continent.
Atlantis began as a system of farms and small communities but as consumerism outflanked logic and greed replaced man’s survival instincts the strip malls began to dominate the Atlantis skyline. Soon people stopped growing their own food relying on large food cartels to feed them. The situation deteriorated rapidly from here.
“Whether the strip malls were an attempt at architectural uniformity or the shoddy structures were simply an indication that the populace had given up hope is not clear,” said one psychic.
“We do know that when a society gives up the natural flow in favor of the artificial or synthetic routine it’s days are numbered. That may have occurred in Atlantis and may be happening right under our noses to the sound of the cash register jingling.”
The psychic was careful not to draw parallels to modern day realities or dwell on conjecture as to submerged islands.
“Plato’s demise of Atlantis is spotty while Aristotle may have lived in a Hellenic strip mall prior to meeting his great teacher,” she said. “There are strong indications that the suicide of Socrates was a direct result of the philosopher’s dislike of poorly designed, block buildings cropping up where farms used to exist.”
It is evident that the strip malls were inhabited by squatters at about the same time that the Atlantean monetary system failed,” she added. “The structures extended as far as Syracuse in Sicily. One mega mall drew shoppers from as far away as Crete and is said to have outshone even the Pillars of Hercules. – Rex Montaleone

Metric Politics Instituted

(Grand Imperial, Colorado — Progressive Math News — June 10, 2015)
In an attempt to modernize and simplify the electoral process, the United States government will implement a weights and balance system called Squirrel Metric Affairs.
The oddly named metric knockoff replaces the Imperial System. Named after Wilson Squirrel, a physicist from Cal Amari, this brand of metric appears more logical and more humane, two attributes not visible in the miles, pounds and feet lobby.
Other physicists and a couple hundred “yard employees” working at Ronald McDonald Douglas have all but completed a battery of interactive tests aimed at discovering the validity of Squirrel’s findings.
“Nuts!’ said one of the new standard bearers. “The answers to all of these questions is Nuts! Nuts hidden away for winter. It’s some kind of geek code between Squirrel and the boys and girls over in receiving. I hear it gets downright risqué when the tides come in.”
The test tube connection occurred after 48 hours of black coffee and desperate solicitation.
Almost all of the yard employees have complained of caffeine visions that have done little to undress broken promises or to step up as valid binary functions.
“”Your gov’ment will begin sending out conversion tables Thursday,” said Waldo Marques, who is somehow loosely attached to the effort. “If I were running this mess I’d tell everyone to shut up and sit down. I called Cal Amari the other afternoon and they’d never heard of Squirrel or the metric system.”
In a nutshell the system identified one Obama with 50 Democrats while two McConnells equal one Killovote. Simple enough so far, heh?
An exact conversion of debates to issues has yet to be established. No number of debates ever yields a single issue but a few issues could be tagged on to the end of most equations herein. (Ask any five-year-old to explain it to you.)
Since it is common knowledge among the elite that one can make plenty of Platforms, Milispeeches and Filibusters with just a relatively small investment and measuring tape. 200 of these in any order can replace an Issue altogether. 1000 Mini-polls equals an Assumption. Half an Assumption is the same as what they lovingly refer to as Policy.
Quantum Politics, which has yet to be invented by anyone named Squirrel, has leaped to the forefront in corporate boardrooms and university classrooms. General consensus suggests that only people in the position to benefit financially Squirrel’s Metric Affairs could possibly give a damn about these formulas.
The rest of the people will continue to watch television for answers.
Now you try: If 19.5 Campaign Promises times the TV Constant is the same as Integrated Popular Opinion divided by the correct number of Mini-Polls assorted by color and fabric where is the dog right now? Bonus: Who takes out the trash in this arrangement? (Hint: Don’t forget about News Byte Projection). – Breakfast Bill

Colona Fishing Fleet in Dry Dock for Summer

The world renown Wildcat Fishing Fleet is winding down after a successful summer voyage to the Arctic. Commander Arthur Carpe of the flagship Navy Bean said most ships will be decommissioned but a few would journey south to cast their nets off the south coast of Argentina. This is repeatedly recognized as one of the finest fleets on the planet. (L-98 on your passport inserts). Here then are several of the more popular vessels and schedules for spring fishing expeditions.
OPEN BOATS – Colona Fishing Fleet
Outhouse Slew – Hydrofoil and cargo. Tuna only. 3 am. Don’t be late.
Dry Creek Queen – Pleasure boat. No fishing until after lunch.
Dexter Skipper – Daily trips to Nucla and Naturita. Paradox weekends.
Wahoo Catfisher – River fishing. High quantity catch. No cameras.
CHARTER BOATS
Dallas I and Dallas II – Shortfish, Walleye, Perch. Tuna salad served.
Mrs. Paul Star – Sails from Buckhorn. Flounder and cod on worms and grasshopper lures.

Spam Truck Rolled

(Chattanooga Chronicle — Red Mountain Pass — February 25, 2015)
A dual-henway, oversize semi carrying a capacity load of Spam to hungry valley dwellers overturned south of Ruby Wall this afternoon it was disclosed. The driver of the truck was unhurt and there were no other vehicles involved.
“I never seen a road so mean as this one,” said a shaken Muriel Armbruster, from a bar stool in the belly of this burgh. I was almost to Ouray when the road ate me up.”
No charges were filed. Armbruster plans to retire from trucking in August.
“After this I figure on driving in nice flat, boring landscapes,” she said. “I might even move to Kansas. I hear they don’t have a lot of curves and rarely a drop-off there.
Company officials at Colorado’s largest Spam processing plant warned residents to stay clear of the accident site. The company has posted armed snipers above the wreckage and guards on the highway to prevent looting.
Police expect the whole mess to be cleaned up by September.
Residents in Montrose and Delta should expect Spam prices to go up for the summer holiday weekends. Synthetic spam will be airdropped to the most severely deprived locales by Father’s Day. – Dinty Moore

“It took me twenty years of studied self-restraint , aided by the natural decay of my faculties, to make myself dull enough to be accepted as a serious person by the British public.” – George Bernard Shaw

More “TOOLE ESCAPES”

(Continued from The Gamey Bird — June 10, 2015

and fell through the heavy brush. Toole was then deloused, debunked and debriefed and flown directly to Airububi, in the remote western sector of the sniveling little republic. Sadly a malfunction on the flight deck mini-bar caused the helicopter to whirl and spin before plummeting to the earth, delivering the hapless Toole to blood-thirsty cannibals in the jungle below. It was at this time that a fellow officer, this one a Brit, introduced Toole to the ravishing Princess Irm Peawit, “Mistress of the Nile” and heir to the Oscar Meyer meat fortune . Peawit had run off to Africa after the Cubs lost the play-offs in 1985 and fell into slavery in July of the following year. Peawit and Toole immediately began planning their escape by river or sky.
Upon his arrival in Airububi Toole had noticed a system of microwave towers strategically placed at nondescript intervals throughout the country. If Toole and his exotic accomplice could reach the first tower undetected they had a chance. Then he could deliver the unsuspecting princess to her parents in Lake Forest and collect the handsome reward of 300,000 pounds of prime bacon. The entire plan was contingent on
(Continued Page 80)