Still No Irish in Hell Says Cromwell

(Dublin, Ireland  —  Blue Eyes in the Caribbean  —  January 5, 2016)

The late Oliver Cromwell, a man who, in the 1600s, attempted to save the Irish peasantry from Papist domination by killing them, has confirmed that there are as yet no Irishmen in hell. The British Isle population down there, says the former Puritan despot, is made up entirely of English patricians from the middle to late 17th Century.

“It appears that we made such a successful go of things in Ireland back in 1649 that our pal Lucifer is still running short of bunk beds,” he said.

Cromwell “the Cruel” made sport of tormenting the inhabitants of Ireland, killing thousands that opposed him and sending many more Irish children into slavery in the British Caribbean colonies, before dying of communist syphilitic warts in 1658.

His roommate in hell, the former Pope Adrian (Hadrian IV) aka Nicholas Breakspeare, has the distinction of being the only Englishman to become Pontiff. Breakspeare is credited with naming Henry II of England as sovereign ruler of Ireland in 1155 and opening the door to British exploitation that lasted through 1922.

It was not clear where deceased Irishmen, who may not have made it to Fiddler’s Green (Paradise) reside these days. But they are not in hell with the Puritans according to Cromwell. The Irish, after suffering 800 years as England’s first colony appear to have greed themselves and taken flight.

“Not all of the Puritans are down here yet either,” he stressed. “Many are still among the living practicing a modern form of intolerance and control with the same old twisted warnings of evil and salvation. They feed off fear and maintain their power base with the freedoms they steal from others…even in the United States,” he smiled.

– Eamon O’Murgatroid