Roscoe wins dog contest

(Gunnison — Old Dogs New Tricks — December 14, 2015)

A charming Golden Retriever/Lab mix has won First Prize in the Grand Championship Dog Challenge for 2015. Edging out some 2000 other entries, Roscoe came out ahead in the performance bracket and in overall points. What is particularly interesting about the competition is that it was concocted, streamlined and managed strictly by dogs.

People have no clue as to the ramifications and minutiae of Dog Challenge but the five-day trials and finals drew some 5000 human onlookers. The impact on the local economy was noticeable especially in a shoulder season between Thanksgiving and the Christmas holidays.

“Despite the fact that most dogs don’t have shoulders as such they were reportedly happy to “keep the town in kibble”,” said a local veterinarian who demanded anonymity. “We call them “man’s best friend” but the relationship is severely one-sided. We know so little about why they do things, how they see us, and even their basic thought processes.”

The source went on to say that we understand canine priorities all right but we don’t comprehend what might be sophisticated motivations for certain acts such as cleaning out the litter box, sniffing posteriors and drinking from the toilet.

“Dogs run this competition from start to finish,” said the vet. We don’t know any more than that. The upshots, the essentials, the consequences escape us like a whirling ball of busy border collie fur or the lazy drool of a red-eyed St. Bernard. Some of the finer points as to what constitutes a winning performance here shall linger in the domain of dogs, and they aren’t talking,” she smiled.

-Dag Katz