All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Safety Corpse Offered
Gunnison County Weed Eaters Anonymous – August 25, 2015
The officially recognized, patented 2015 Mower’s Safety Course will be offered again this fall to persons who have mastered the summer preliminary curriculum. This year’s syllabus concentrates heavily on the adaption of the metric system and its application to more conventional approaches to trimming.
Adherence to s simple step-by-step procedure will result in fewer mishaps with rotor blades and lurking sunstroke according to masterminds associated with the project.
Persons born after March 1949 must take this course if they intend to mow their lawns this fall. Others, born earlier are urged to sign up for the 400-hours of Saturday classes, so as to remain on top of newest developments.
“We offer plenty of tips for mower safety as well as insider hints on weed control and fertilization techniques,” said board member Charlene Gascanne, between meetings.
The cost for the classes is a reasonable $400 (sleeper compartment slightly more) and must be paid in advance. Persons caught mowing (or weed eating without proper certification will surrender lawn privileges and may face fines and imprisonment. – Koko Nucla
Fox News Acusado de Difusión Artificial
El Supremo entregó Quart hoy por una serie de acusaciones contra Fox News que afirman que la entidad tergiversado la realidad y de apropiación indebida confianza pública en una serie de emisiones 2010-2015.
En lo que el cuerpo gobernante llamado “difusión artificial de hechos inventados Fox ha actuado de manera irresponsable y criminalmente en los intentos por convencer a su audiencia de la televisión estadounidense que el poder corporativo es la única protección contra una multitud de hombres y terroristas fuera boogey para conseguirlos.
De acuerdo con la alta cuarto: “FOX ha saqueado la verdad y manipulado sus noticieros a fin de crear una ilusión de miedo y desconfianza en este país mediante la comunicación única malentendido y falsedades para promover sus objetivos económicos y políticos.”
“Estas cabezas parlantes serio retorcidos, incluso los que tienen los peinados perfectos, han convencido a la clase media, que son los pobres (y no las corporaciones globales) que son culpables de sus luchas diarias”, dijo la acusación. La asignación repetitivo y metódico de la manipulación de los medios y proxenetismo de datos ha creado polarización crónica y la xenofobia que amenaza las libertades básicas y hace que los espectadores menos informados (más tonto) de lo que eran esta mañana. – Phil E. Buster
Bible, Constitution Most Abused, Misquoted
(Wimpton) The Christian Bible and the United States Constitution rank first and second as the most manipulated of all known human documents, it was disclosed today.
Charlatan cherry pickers who lift passages out of context or time period, and politicians, who distort the basic framework to make their point, are the most destructive culprits. These purveyors of false information unscrupulously tamper with these honored credentials in order to control those of even less intelligence.
“We have a situation where fear, ignorance and misinformation have overlapped to create a sense of confusion and mistrust in the U.S. and throughout the world,” said a theological historian who has been collecting data on the subject since the 1970s.
“The only method to halt the spread of this polarizing propaganda is the development of an educated population which we don’t see happening at this time.”
BP given until 2039 to comply with environmental standards
(Bayou Debris Canal Street Snooper — August 10, 2015)
(New Orleans) British Petroleum “the scourge of the Gulf Coast” was granted a reprieve today in its attempts to skip out on financial responsibilities associated with the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, the worst in U.S. history.
The spill, estimated at 4.9 million barrels of crude, was capped 87 days later but not before precipitating an explosion and subsequent sinking of the primary rig 42 miles off the coast of Louisiana. The man-made disaster killed eleven people as well as uncounted marine animals and resulted in the mass destruction of the ecosystem.
After a series of plea bargains, British Petroleum, whose legend includes fracking and uniform disposal of democratically elected leaders in the Mideast, has won what appears to be “a great victory for fossil fuel research.”
Even though the company has been fined they will never pay what they owe, according to environmental lawyers.
“They will simply keep the matter in court until the issue cools off and the American people forget all about it,” said one prosecutor, reportedly sickened by the verdict.
Meanwhile British Petroleum has spent millions on “happy ads” showing that the quality of life has returned to south Louisiana due to the efforts of your friends over at British Petroleum.
“They actually found local whores willing to sell out their beaches and the future of their families for 24 pieces of silver. It’s far cheaper to produce lies on film than pay up,” said one activist who is calling for the life imprisonment of all top BP executives.
The length of the extension is the longest on record. The initial date for compliance was set at 2020 but the Environmental Protection Agency, crippled by recent budget cuts, decided to throw in an extra 19 years “as a gesture of good faith”.
One BP official welcomed the news saying that his company would probably cease exploration before that time anyway due to the expense of extracting oil and growing public anger and distrust focused on the petroleum industry.
“If we can hold out on paying these fines we can reinvest the money in burgeoning industries like munitions and genetically modified foods while we figure out how to fleece the woolies on solar, wind and hemp production.”
She said that “soon people would be eating oil and gas for breakfast” and that “our energy companies will again be in the forefront to providing that fodder.
“You need us. You’ll soon be thanking us,” she affirmed.
– Uncle Pahgre
