All Entries Tagged With: "humor"
Los lugareños advirtieron: Recolectores de llegar esta semana
(Montrose Marble- 25 de agosto 2015)
Los líderes comunitarios advierten todos los ciudadanos aquí para ver sus pertenencias como multitudes desesperadas de recolectores están haciendo poco a poco su camino en el Valle Uncompahgre por su jugueteo estacional. Las cosas siempre parecen subir falta cuando estas turbas-langostas como miserables y persistentes proliferan.
Recolectores, el subgrupo socioeconómico extendida vinculado a los cazadores, como en los Cazadores Recolectores antropológicos y clasificación, se espera que descienda a Colorado occidental tan pronto como la próxima semana. División de Vida Silvestre y Servicios Sociales trabajadores están manteniendo un ojo firme sobre el contingente en mal estado, que por lo general se presenta en quiebra sólo con la ropa que llevaban puesta, en busca de sustancias, partes y piezas, materia para recoger o reunir.
“Los elementos de destino discutidos aquí son aún más refinado y definido como cualquier cosa que no esté bloqueado o atado”, dijo Charles escrúpulos de la Fundación troglodita. “Estos recolectores, aunque no evolucionado por completo a la tarea, se han desarrollado los dedos pegajosos largo de los siglos y son a menudo la voz alta, tipo agresivo.”
Scruples sugiere que los residentes y visitantes mantener un ojo en sus pertenencias, especialmente en las grandes multitudes, estiramientos desiertas y por la noche.
“El acaparamiento es una enfermedad, que no queremos ver curada por una bala”, espetó escrúpulos. “Nos gustaría hacerlo a través de esta difícil la migración sin incidentes”.
En 2014 tres recolectores resultaron heridos cuando se rebelaron en un jardín muy cuidado bien en busca de arveja china. El huerto, propiedad de Warren (Viejo) Pritchard de 33992200772344 carretera al oeste de la ciudad, había sido sondeado descuidadamente la noche antes de permitir tiempo para Pritchard armarse con perdigones para su posterior visita.
Funcionarios Región Zen han anunciado que su organización proporcionaría acampada libre y de agua potable en un intento de aislar y acordonar los recolectores de los visitantes corriente verano.
– Rufus Maxwell
Talking Baseball in Ecuador
Nobody gives a damn about baseball in Ecuador unless you are eating lunch at Café Hatuey.
A small marble staircase divided the plaza from the upstairs Cuban restaurant with its shady balcony and high ceiling fans. It was a perfect redoubt for a dining-alone gringo wandering the colonial streets. One could watch the entire plaza from up here.
The black bean soup experience would have been sufficient invitation.
The waiter, a handsome Cuban of 24 years, brought me a Havana Club and a menu. I asked for his recommendation. He nodded. There was a soccer game on the television. I asked him who was ahead.
“I don’t know,” he flinched. “I’m a baseball fan and it’s Opening Day up in America. Is that where you live?”
I told him that I lived in Western Colorado and that despite the six-hour drive I made it to several Rockies’ games over the course of the season.
“The Rockies, huh?” he said. “A streaky team, prone to injuries with questionable relief pitching and a strong fan base.”
“You’ve done your homework,” I acknowledged, apologizing for my limited baseball jargon in Spanish.
“Then let’s speak English,” he snapped saying he had learned my language from his old baseball coach named Adolfo Luque, who had enjoyed a brief career in the Big Leagues prior to the Revolution.
“The food came out and we shared a feast of past Cuban players who had excelled it to the Majors. Tony Taylor, Luis Tiant, Jose Canseco and Rafael Palmeiro accompanied my Fabada Asturiana (beef and bean stew), three tamales, a cup of black bean soup, plantains and fried yucca. Then he brought rhubarb pie and asked why a heated argument on the baseball field was called a rhubarb?
“I think it’s something like a catbird seat or the bull pen,” I said. “Most of those terms came straight from the lips of tobacco chewing bench jockeys waiting around for the next pitch. After a few seasons these words became the jargon on the diamond.”
He said one of the cooks had met Hank Aaron in Miami after the Braves’ slugger had broken Ruth’s home run record.
“All three of the cooks are baseball fans. Come and meet them!”
We walked into the kitchen and returned to speaking Spanish. I told the first cook that I too had met Aaron and that I had his autograph on the same score card with the signature of Pete Rose and Tony Perez.
“Perez was a great one,” offered the second cook who was patiently monitoring the progress of a large pot of pintos. “He was one of the great players to escape Cuba after Castro. “He came to the United States along with Tony Oliva, Camilo Pacscual and Bert Campaneris. The Cuban government was not happy about this heralded exit from its socialist paradise.”
“Castro was quite a pitcher too,” offered the third cook who wore a Yankees’ hat atop his baldhead. I saw him play in Santiago de Cuba while on the Las Barbas team where all the players wore a beard. He might have played pro ball except for politics. The Cleveland Indians were after him in the Fifties. He could hit too.”
But what about Minnie Minoso?” chided the waiter. “How can we talk Cuban baseball players and not mention Minnie?”
“And Sandy Amoros and Tito Fuentes and Cookie Rojas!” yelled the bean watcher from the corner of the kitchen.
“What about Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, and Orlando Pena,” chimed another cook.
“Don’t forget Leo Cardenas,” I said and the kitchen went silent.
“Wow,” said the waiter. You do know your baseball.”
“I grew up in Southern Ohio” I admitted, “and Cardenas played shortstop for the Reds for fifteen years.”
Now that I had the floor, I asked them if they thought Fidel Castro would have been a better baseball player than a President.
They all laughed,
“Fidel is Fidel,” one said. “The United States is the United States. Castro is eating well even if the rest of us on the island are not. So much for punishing the Communist Party with the Great Cuban Embargo.”
All of the cooks had family back in Cuba and they missed them very much but opportunity was better in Ecuador.
“If you didn’t go along with party ideas there was no future in Cuba,” frowned one.
“My daughter is a doctor in Havana and barely makes enough to survive, said another.
“My son is twelve,” offered the waiter. “He’s the best hitter ever to come out of Trinidad (Cuba). I hope some day that he can come to the United States and play for the New York Yankees. He stands proud at the plate and waits for that big, fat pitch.”
Everyone smiled and nodded in agreement.
The restaurant was filling up. The owner stuck his head in the kitchen and frowned at his employees then smiled at me since I was spending money. I returned to my table. The lights are coming on in the plaza. – Kevin Haley
Herbivores Busted by DEA
(Cerebral Pines Stifled Press – August 25, 2015)
Law enforcement agencies have rounded up more than 4000 suspected herbivores, charging them with meatless acts of insurgence, sabotage, plant abuse and, in rare cases, of mutiny.
In custody are leaders of Leafy America, Fruits of the Loom and The Black Sprouts, three known terrorist cells suspected of operating fruit and vegetable stands from underground bunkers on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
“We haven’t located their bunkers yet but it’s just a matter of time before one of them spills the beans as to the whereabouts of the hideouts,” said Officer Lamb, of the Colorado Beet Growers. “Then the frost will clearly grace the pumpkin.”
An attorney for the herbivores, Jay Cornking, says his clients have not broken any laws and that it is not mandatory to consume animal flesh in Colorado.
“If a person prefers to chew on a piece of kale rather than a rib bone he ought to be left alone to pursue his ends,” said Cornking.
Herbivores, or vegetarians as they are often called, pay taxes, volunteer for community organizations, do not strain social services and educate their children according to date collected at elevated levels. Often perishable, these fringe groups are severely misunderstood by carnivores and pot roast barons.
“Just because we don’t build feedlots for peas and carrots doesn’t mean we’re bad people,” said one cowperson. “We’d just rather have a rib-eye than a radish on the grill.”
“Old fears die hard,” laughed Cornking. “Eating greens here in Colorado is legal by way of an amendment to the state constitution. Who cares about a lot of misdirected pontificating in Nebraska and Utah.
– Manual Flushe
Men still following great herds
(Special from The Saber-Tooth Follies – August 25, 2015)
(Cavetowne) Dressed in his best loincloth or leisure suit modern man has continued the tradition of following the great herds. Still uncomfortable with subsistence farming and cubicle tension he has sought more natural means of survival and social development.
“Just look how Homo erectus looks at a herd of elk,” says Doctor Fernham Josephine of Mao Clinic. “It is part longing and part logistic. He appreciates the grace and style of the wild animals but he still wants to bring it down and roast it over his fire. He wants to love the elk, but he also wants to eat dinner.
For millenniums we have watched primitive gangs of hunters track and subdue animals larger and more ferocious than they. They didn’t have assault rifles either. They had flimsy spears and a battle plan that must have brought a smile to the face of their prey.
“Whataya gonna due with the little Barbie spear, Mr. Caveman? Are you going to throw it at me or try to stick it in my side? Whoa! Are you going to all charge me at once? You’re like fleas or lice. I’m frightened. Wouldn’t it be a lot safer for everyone if you just picked up a tub of chicken or some tacos?
Often the ultimate impact intensity of a well-hurled spear would cause the caveman’s pants (animal skins) to fall down to his knees, leaving him the butt of dinosaur laughter. He was also at the mercy of the beasts in that his outfit was wrapped around his ankles, prohibiting a fast retreat.
In ancient times man, often in large groups, would secure meat, then take it back to the cave to barbecue it with friends and family. All would gnaw on the prize down to the bones that would be shared with mongrels and those too old or crippled to help with the taking on the animal. Some of the cavepersons would eat too much and become so chubby that they had to procure new animals hides.
Man has not evolved very far when it comes to primitive eating habits,” said Josephine. “He ate a healthy natural diet which, often lean and limited, gave him the strength to subdue the other animals. And he didn’t have somebody sneaking around behind him genetically modifying his corn and potatoes.” – Uncle Pahgre
Princess Maude-Tulip Taps Local Vets in Puppy Caper
(London) The Crowned Princess of Britain, Duchess of Barnswinkle and Weeds, Tiller of the Enlightenment and Protector of Chutney has chosen Dr. Laura Ramos and Doctor Joseph Alaimo to assist with the delivery of a litter of Royal Yorkies.
A spokesperson for Maude-Tulip told The Horseshoe that the fur physicians were picked due to unquestionable integrity and sustained knowledge.
The conscripted veterinarians will depart for London tomorrow so as to be on the scene for the simple medical procedure expected to take place this week in a Buckingham Palace basement or kennels. While in London the two will stay at the Thames River Observatory, a pet-friendly lodge preferred by nobility and wealthy commoner alike.
“There is no reason to expect problems in the birthing,” said a Tulip aide. “Madame just wants to be sure that experts are in waiting at the time of the big moment.”
Maude-Tulip and her husband Bob have failed to produce an heir to combined properties, wealth and titles but have succeeded in providing royals with lots of puppies since occupying their respective thrones in 1968.
Due to highly sensitive diplomatic nature of the request the action has been deemed compulsory by the yet-to-be-hacked State Department. Seen as a humanitarian gesture by the press, the visit is the first by “animal doctors from the former colonies” to England. After the delivery the two veterinarians will be given a Royal Red Carpet Celebrity Tour of Piccadilly Circus, and the Tower of London during the stay.
On the last evening of the sojourn Ramos and Alaimo will dine with Ringo Starr at his flat in Belgravia.
