All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"

COWBOY CLASSIFIEDS (circa late 1800s)

JACK OF ALL TRADES General dealer in hardware, spurs, hoop skirts, dry goods, molasses, putty, cakes, grindstones, etc. Also teeth extracted for less, horns burned, shoes mended. Ned Buttman, Ames.

Needed: Night watchman for the Wyoming Territory. Looking for man who can work by himself, set own hours, provide monthly reports on the state of things up here. Emile Turlo, Pinedale Coiffures.

Will the woman who’s looking for wranglers to herd UFOs off her Montrose ranch please contact Red Babbs at the QBC Ranch in Colona. You can’t have UFOs because this is 1889 and they haven’t been imagined yet…that we know of. Maybe you should call an exorcist. However, I happen to be rustling work and would accept position as a managing cowpuncher. Resume upon request.

Will the British fella that spent last week at Ruby’s Dude Ranch please retrieve his britches. We’re an entertainment facility not a storehouse. After all these years of business the girls and I have never seen such a pair and failure to contact us will result in their display in the parlor window come Christmas of ’21. Ruby.

Need wrangler to escort sacred cows from Ft. Worth to Abilene. Good pay and bonus at the end of the drive. Carl Waco c/o Grapevine Stockyards.

Silent partner needed for bank heist January 30. Great pay if all goes well. Must have own tools and be handy with a sidearm. Anonymous drifter with bad teeth and scraggly beard preferred but will consider family man or elected official in need. Cole Younger, Monegaw Springs, MO.

Ed’s Fly Repellent. $2 a can. Guaranteed. Ohio City Store. Pitkin.

Exhausted and burned out gold digger, 22, seeks stable position in honest profession. Will consider restaurant work or livery attendant. I’ve been told I have very attractive legs if that makes any difference to ya. Betsy Bilkflower, Parrot City.

Sick of sagebrush and coyotes? British Empire seeks to repatriate former subjects for work in expansion of influence by force. Exotic travel to South Africa, India and Ireland. Good pay and citizenship in a growing concern. Lord Admiral Quelpp, Mercy Beet Hall, London SW. (June 10, 1910)

The 7th Cavalry is searching for entrance level trainees for reconnaissance work in South Dakota. Major Roy Custer, Bighorn Acres, Rapid City. No realtors. (September 8, 1870)

Need a set of 1883 henway headlights for my palomino and a drive train for my saddle. Can’t afford much on wrangler’s pay. John J. John, Spring Creek Herefords.

Fully matured, reimported whiskies by the glass. Beer imported all the way from St Joseph. Faro, race results by wire, poker on Thursdays. Red’s Gravy Heaven, Gladstone, CO.

Dishwasher needed for thriving Telluride restaurant/bar. Looking for Colorado native who is clean, organized, punctual and handy with his fists. Apply in person at the Senate Restaurant before 1886.

Homesteaders: Free land in Colorado. Apply by February, 1889 and 40 acres is yours. Owner must occupy land 30 days following agreement to file records at appropriate Quart House. Must make acceptable improvements before January, 1890. EOE.

Trail boss needed for trip between Waco and Dodge. Must be bonded and have comprehensive cow insurance. Horse provided if necessary (why put all those miles on your own horse?) $100 per month includes all the biscuits and coffee you can muster. Howard Appleton, HA HA Ranch, Lake City.

Want to rub elbows with Utes? A reception for Chief Ouray will be held at the Odd Fellows Hall in Uncompahgre City on March 7, 1879. Bring a covered wagon.

Store teeth for sale or lease. Hardly used. Dr. Harmony Chios. Upstairs the marshal’s office, Placerville.

Tin Cup town council seeks capable sheriff for fun loving gold camp. Last four gunned down. Term depends on luck and shooting straight. Survive the first few months and we will re-negotiate contract. Includes living quarters and bullets. Chance to move up. Decent pay and insurance. Send telegram to same. Cash on the barrel or the casket. We’ll pick you up in Almont.

Experienced proctologist needed for marathon cattle drive. Day work. Sam Mustache, Sneffels, CO.

Half bison, half longhorn puppies. Free to good home. Ask at the Ouray Livery.

Wanted: Modern 1880s-type woman to move to our gold camp. No funny business…we just want to look at you and maybe ask you to dance the two-step. Private quarters and buggy. 100 lonely miners, Gothic.

Roommate wanted for 1872 Chrysler New Yorker. Private entrance. No utilities. Prefer short person who does not snore. George Roscoe Lovinggood, somewhere in Alaska. This is not 1885.

Free to a good home: 40 acres on Log Hill free to first come. I’m just sick and tired of sweeping it. Big Nose Kate.

PRAIRIE DOG CATCHER needed for Pea Green and vicinity. Prefer someone with culinary background. Pastry chef would be perfect. Executive Chefs Placement, Wimpton.

Denver Nugget Cheerleader Counseling. Thursdays under the Tomichi Creek Bridge. Pay as you go, Gunnison Hibernians.

Anachronistic iconoclast paralyzed from the neck up seeks foxy female companion for winter solitude. Make sense to you? Wire Mulch in San Francisco or leave a massage at the Lombard Chiro.

I will flip coins for special events: football games, assassinations, weddings, funerals bar mitzvahs. Al Gore, Tennessee.

Registered Bigots wanted for experiments with cleaning fluid. Pay by the day. Insurance after a week. Box 615, Gunnison. We do not issue the Racist Card.

We have in our possession about 1.5 million dollars worth of marijuana left in a Tom Mix lunchbox behind the Anarchist Booth at the Revolutionary Breakfast Consortium Wednesday. Owner may claim by describing buds. Please come to the Montrose (CA) Police Department to claim. No phone calls.

TEXAS BIGGER THAN ALASKA – WCSU GEOGRAPHY DEPT.

Composted by Western Colorado State University Snooze Services

The state of Texas is about three hundred yards larger than the state of Alaska according to a study completed by the Western Geography Department in 2018. The findings, which conflict with a long held belief to the contrary, surfaced after extensive study in the area of shoreline erosion and ice pack statistics. The news was received with great jubilation in the Lone Star State while response in Alaska was less than enthusiastic.

“We think that it’s about time someone corrected these misinterpretations of natural law,” said a source in downtown Boyd (Texas). “For years we have suffered irreparable psychological and emotional damage by having to live with this cruel lie.”

From Juneau one legislator spat, “What do these kids know anyway! Most of them couldn’t find their way to Denver on a clear day.”

A leading news source up north, The Juneau What, echoed these sentiments, warning that Alaska has far more bear than any state and “knows how to use them”.

“The animals that have been encouraged to eat Texans will now see expanded menu items that include tourists from Western Colorado this summer. How these bruins have survived on berries is a miracle in itself but they too must get their protein,” said Jeff Brown, of the prestigious Cal Polygamy Cartoon Clinic, on loan to the What.

In addition to these stark findings, the geography department has determined that the Pacific Ocean is far wetter than the Atlantic and that, of all the locales in North America, the topographic realities of the city of Grand Junction most resemble the lunar surface.

A source within the geography department told The Horseshoe that his colleagues would stand fast on the findings no matter how controversial this whole sideshow becomes.

“We were as surprised as anyone when these facts emerged,” she said, “and pleased with all the donations earmarked for further study that have been arriving from Texas since the weekend.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Mother Nature Completes Anger Management Classes

(Delta) A clearly relaxed Mother Nature has successfully completed court-ordered anger management classes here in record time leading even cynics to believe she has calmed down. The last few years have seen hurricanes, drought and polar melt occurring at unprecedented rates leading to the mandatory sentence.

“We can’t tell if she has been rehabilitated or if she is just putting on a show,” said one emotions counselor who says he enjoys thunderstorms.

Although on unsupervised parole, for the next two years Mother Nature will be granted full mobility and access to former associates the wind and rain.

“It’s easy to see why she got angry in the first place,” said the counselor. “How would you like it if people trashed your yard?”

Authorities are taking a wait and see approach to further legal action against the former defendant.

“It dawned on him that they were living spirits, their roots buried in the dark earth, they soaked up the energy of the sun and the essence of the moon, moistened by the rain and dew, they understood the ways of the heavens and the logic of the earth. The color of the sorghum suggested that the sun had already turned the obscure horizon a pathetic red.”

– Father in Red Sorghum by Mo Yan.

Cartoons Mutiny at Colorado POX

(Spoontowne) Leading cartoon activists will take over reporting responsibilities at POX News as of March according to Rupert Murdoch, billionaire owner of the network.

The gradual change, slated for summer, snowballed in December and the fallout hit the screen in February with the now much publicized on-air mutiny. POX is concerned that it is embracing reliability in content as well as telling both sides of a story, according to an industry spokesperson.

“These adherences to professionalism and fleeting journalism have put our entertainment badge at risk,” said the source. “Entertainment has always been the flagship here with lots of editorials replacing the news.”

POX figures cartoons can read the daily stories as well as humans at half the price tag. News casts have already taken on a different light with the heralded replacement of Sean Hannity with Plucky Duck and Tucker Carlson with America’s favorite blue-hair: Marge Simpson, who will act as anchor on what continues to look like a sinking ship.

All POX, CNN, MSNBC and even PBS talking heads will continue to wear liar’s collars while on the air to insure that the American people are getting at least a scoop of the real poop.

“One cannot build a solid ship or any structure to last when it’s built on a foundation of lies and misinformation,” continued our media spokesperson. “This is not conjecture. These people are pretenders and frauds.”

Imagine tuning in for a news program with duel anchors Bill Hemmer and  Louise Becker from Bob’s Burgers. Maybe Peppa Pig and the Incredible Crash Dummies could do the weather. Stewie Griffin, the baby from The Family Guy might do well chipping in with updates on former demigods and spoiled children.

That leaves Shaun the Sheep to formulate policy applicable to all local POX stations.

At present only a few ex-broadcasters have applied for the Unilateral Liars’ Amnesty that retroacts back to 2014. The possible hang-up is a stipulation that requires them to prove rehabilitation and promise to tell the truth at all times.

– Fred Zeppelin

The author of this piece cannot afford a television and subsequently gathered data and info for this story from Wikipedia, ask.com, answers.com, how.com and by conversing with pre-schoolers.

Interview with a recently discovered poet

Pico Clyde-Sarena, for decades a remote, frazzled voice in the world of supercilious verse, has finally reached the mainstream of world literature. We were fortunate to have been granted this interview with one of the most persistent and provocative figures of our time.

Horseshoe: Why are all of your poems the same length?

Paco: It’s the size of the fecking pad, man. I bought 2000 legal pads in March and I’m already down to six or seven. I start at the top and fill space with my words until I reach the bottom…then I have lunch.

Horseshoe: So it appears you have a rigid daily discipline. Do you write everyday?

Paco: No. I only write on Wednesdays.

Horseshoe: What do you do the rest of the time?

Paco: I make plum wine. Then, three weeks later, I drink it

Horseshoe: That’s quite a combination…poems and bodegas! Do you see a metaphor here?

Paco: I see a lot more metaphors after the wine has matured. Barbie dolls on the in the roux burned like a bat-winged banter master spouting crude recollections. False prophet…False sinner, worse yet. Spoken flowers are only as good as the lover who catches the poem petal. Most miss it surely as it drifts to the ground.

Horseshoe: Wow! That’s hot. What time of the day do you prefer to write?

Paco: Right out of bed works the best. I like to smoke Nicaraguan puros while I mainline Paraguayan mate’ and scramble my oatmeal. That’s when my head is clear and my passion ignited. Some of my favorite works, however have been penned on my way to bed when my head is swirling and my dreams linger.

Horseshoe: Heavy.

Paco: No actually quite light. It’s important for an artist to give himself plenty of leisure time. That way the words flow without the distractions of the mundane.

Horseshoe: Your words are incredible and we see that you are bi-lingual as well. If I may quote from a recent work:

Las estrellas del Sur habla

a me en la noche linda .

Dicen mi nombre, su nombre bella

su nombre bella, su nombre bella.

Su alma, su corizon, su cuelo rico.

Chow dudes. Viva pax.

What do these words mean to you?

Paco: I don’t have any idea. I don’t speak a lick of Spanish.

Horseshoe: It’s kind of like telepathy, no?

Paco: Yeah sure. I can write 700 poems in one day if I drop all pretense and quality control. Most people are afraid of poetry anyway so very few get passed the first line or two. As a beautiful woman once told me: “It’s bad poetry, Paco…but keep slinging it. Sooner or later you’re bound to rhyme something.”

Horseshoe: I see you drive a 1947 Bedford Paddy Wagon. That must have cost a pretty penny.

Paco: It was a gift from one of my lovers.

Horseshoe: do beautiful women like it says in the introduction to Bruin Conspiracies besiege you? Do you read to them all?

Paco:  I can’t read. To quote the late Warren Zevon: Poor, poor pitiful me…poor, poor pitiful me…the young girls won’t let me be…poor, poor pitiful me. I wish I’d written those lines, yeah boy.

Horseshoe: Have you any advice for budding poets?

Paco: Write with crayons, that way if you get hungry you’ll have plenty to eat. Just go on a tear and hope nobody reads the stuff…It’s all perception of reality anyway. If it barks like a bird and whinnies like an ostrich then I’d suggest staying far away during mating season.

Paco will be appearing at Vegetable Buddies Bar and Grill in Manana

for a book signing and wine making symposium on May 32 unless it rains.

Illegal juniper plants net bust

(Gunnison) A Western Colorado State University student was arrested this morning and charged with growing juniper plants in his basement apartment at an undisclosed location. Local police units say they raided the premises based on an anonymous tip. Soon after arrival they confiscated over 400 plants with an estimated street value of $100,000 in unprocessed and illegal and untaxed gin.

When contacted, attorneys for the man whose name has not been disclosed either, say they were not aware that the cultivation of juniper bushes was against the law in Colorado

“Sure a bi-product of the juniper is gin but at this stage the authorities will have to prove intent to distill and distribute. Our client does not have any of the apparatus associated with distilling or bottling the final product. He had five empty bottles in his entire house that were confiscated during the raid.

Meanwhile the suspect is being held at the local jail awaiting a preliminary hearing on Friday. The plants, which were uprooted at the scene, will be given to a local nursing home for replanting.

-Paula Pervenue

“Think it’ll rain?” – really bad pickup line in Sechura Desert near Piura, Peru.