Rox Relief pitchers to be paid by the hour

With the exception of both Wade Davis and Adam Ottavino, Colorado Rockies relief pitchers will now be paid by the hour. Rescinding former salaries (such as the $27 million paid to Jake McGee for three years) the new scale takes into account past performances and introduces healthy incentive packages to mound keepers who can keep the lid on in the later innings.

Hopeless hurlers such as Brian Shaw (27 million over 3 years) Mike Dunn ($19 million over three years) Chris Rusin ($1.3 million for one year) and Scott Oberg (a measly 550,000 to blow games – with a 4-0 record to boot!) are dead weight on the team’s hot air ballon. Imagine the price of beer if the team could regulate or outright shed these expenses paid out to people who have not performed well.

“We’d be just as well to dig a hole in left field and throw the money into it,” said one former coach. “The big shots in the front office continually foul up but will not admit their mistakes (Take Ian Desmond for example).

And if the wasted offensive effort was not enough McGee and Dunn have informed the Rockies that they would be joining the circus when it comes through town in August.

“The circus has picked up several options on Shaw and Rusin but we are not clear as to the details at the moment,” quacked a Rockies’ bigwig who is slated to be fed to the lions as part of Denver Zoo/Cougar-Bubblehead Night in September.

Circus officials did not return our calls but issued a joint statement on Friday confirming a slew of the rumors and suggested, “our lions are very hungry too.”

– Neville Hoser