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In a departure from our rigid policy of ignoring those currently residing in the White House we present a recap of recent aggression and sociopathic behavior there.

Trump Nominates Self For Supreme Quart

In an attempt to create what he describes as continued job securiy in the federal government president Donald Trump today nominated Donald Trump for the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. “Think of the deals I can make from the high seat,” he smiled. “I look terrific in black.” Close aides showed their loyalty to this flim-flam chief executive by enthusiastically backing his choice. Rumors circulating Pennsylvania Avenue say he hopes to have a planet named after him before leaving the post.

Trump backtracks on golf lessons for refugee children

(Key Lardass) Despite promises to teach every detained Latin child the insides of golf, Donald Trump has now rescinded the offer saying none of them had clubs or shoes. Even their parents (many who have not seen their kids for weeks) have proper golfing gear. Initially the president would have been joined by daughter, Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner but they have been scratched off the members list…persona non grata to a two-faced father.

“The President fears that the two will be in jail and prefers his heralded go-it-alone posture on the links,” said one spineless Republican, who demanded anonymity. “I’ve got to give it to him: Anyone who can play that much golf and still run the country has my blessing. Heck, even Ike didn’t accomplish that feat.”

In what may be a related link the White House has yet to confirm that Donald Trump would caddie for Vladimir Putin if the latter visits the US this fall.

Panic in Chinatown

(San Francisco) The impact of the much publicized trade war has caused erratic behavior here as the price of egg rolls had tripled. In the rest of the country: Bud Lite will soon cost $35 for a 12-pack, and NASCAR tickets will cost 60% more. “Make America Great” caps (made in China) will be out of the reach of most Trump supporters who will be the first to suffer from the imposed tariffs. Big Macs are expected to follow suit with burger heads paying up to $15 for their non-nutritional fix.

Guns and ammo prices will stabilize since they are currently made in the U.S. That too may change if the companies flee the country to stay in the black. Harley-Davidson manuals will be printed in French and German only as the company relocates to Europe due to tariffs on imported steel.

“We’re holding out own for our supportive base,” said White House Mess Secretary, Sarah Serra Huckleberry.

A hurriedly hatched billion-dollar federal program to bail out soybean farmers after prices crashed has been lambasted from every side and, according to financial experts “shows no understanding of high school economics which may appeal to Trump loyalists.”

Late last night a tweet from the White House said “Only losers eat soybeans.”

Coors Field Files Restraining Order on Rox Relief Pitchers

(Denver) Coors Field, and The City and County of Denver have reportedly filed a protective order against roster relief pitchers* Jake McGee, Bryan Shaw and Scott Oberg as well as Mike Dunn and Chris Rusin who are currently on the Disabled List.

According to pieces of the documentation released by the baseball club today the action comes after “repeated failures on the diamond where fans and significant others were harassed, deflated and disappointed by the performances of those mentioned in a cease abuse provision. Furthermore all five have been accused of impersonating a relief pitcher, a misdemeanor, and making fans physically and emotionally ill, a felony.

The salaries paid to these misfits, while immoral on their own terms, were not a consideration in the court filing.

“We just don’t want them in the bullpen or the dugout or on the property,” said a spokesperson for the Rockies who added that the city is taking steps to have them deported to Arizona.

Usually reserved for domestic violence, stalking or sexual assault, the restraining order prohibits communication with team members and the press. Failure to comply could result in arrest.

“Yes, the burden of proof in Colorado rests on the accused,” said the spokesperson. “We have 40,000 witnesses in the stands who welcome the proceedings.”

– Atila Diggins

* It is likely Wade Davis will be added to this shameful crew after his horrid performance against the Cardinals today.

Iran’s Claim to be Persia Called Hogwash

Iran’s Claim to be Persia Called Hogwash

(Indianapolis) Vice President Mike Pence said today that Iran is not and has never been Persia. The provocation is the latest exchange between the two pseudo-republics who are at odds over Syria. He called the assertion hogwash, a common term for denial in the Great Midwest.

“Israel could have once been Persia or maybe even Babylon but Iran has always been dry, rocky theocratic Iran,” explained Pence anxiously attempting to locate the two countries on a map of the Greater Mideast.

“That’s like saying the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers were there before the Mississippi or The 500 or that Mesopotamia taught sex education in the schools.”

“My Persian rug comes from Wal-Mart not Iran,” he coughed.

“Iran is not Persia, I say it again,” squawked the Hoosier crusader. “The place is teeming with pagans. Persia was never like that. This is just another ploy to give credibility to evil doings in the Persian Gulf. Its like saying Cairo is in Egypt when everyone knows it’s in Georgia.”

-Mohammed Mosaddegh

“God created war so Americans could learn geography”

– Mark Twain


The mythical man in the moon is mythical no more. He’s cooling his heels in a local jail cell. A myriad of complaints from local lunar gazers prompted a police raid on the suspected pervert’s official digs Tuesday morning. Officers confiscated gravitational home videos, crude anti-aircraft placements, mangled satellite parts, mounds of green cheese and documents calling for the invasion of earth by the year 2030.

One Delta County woman who called in a complaint Friday said the man in the moon was running around in the vicinity of the Sea of Fertility wearing only a lamp shade and a pair of Sorels. When police arrived at her residence to observe the alleged lewd behavior they were greeted by a contingent of telescopes that would put most astronomical observatories to shame.

“You can see better if you climb up on this stool,” said the woman who was reluctant to give her name or give up her high-powered telescope.

The man in the moon will remain incarcerated at an undisclosed spot until his arraignment Monday morning. Anyone with input deemed essential to the case is asked to either orbit or stay far away from the proceedings altogether.

-Marcella Pesterman

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him.

It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

Some insects, like flies, give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient most insects, leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet.

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: “Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall.” Don’t miss it!

Handy Quotes for the Times:

“This is rich people, Manchurian Global, funding bad science, to put a sleeper in the White House, and that’s what’s going on Rosie. That’s what’s going on.”     – Ben Marco in The Manchurian Candidate

“People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook. I earned everything I’ve got.”    – Richard Nixon, during  the Watergate Scandal

“The slow-rising central horror of Watergate is not that it might grind down to the reluctant impeachment of a vengeful thug of a president whose entire political career has been a monument to the same kind of cheap shots and treachery he finally got nailed for, but that we might somehow fail to learn something from it.”   Hunter S. Thompson