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Franklins Recalled

(Denver Mint) The United States Treasury has begun pulling popular Benjamin Franklin $100-dollar bills out of circulation. The action follows a wagonload of charges linked to alleged sexual indiscretion on the part of American icon dating back to the 1700s.

Franklin, a gifted inventor, intellectual and signer of the Declaration of Independence has been accused of initiating unwanted predatory sexual advances by a cross-section of woman in both Philadelphia and Paris from 1760 – 1785. No one has admitted or denied anything at this time, in part because the actions allegedly took place over 230 years ago.

Whether creditable witnesses can be reached or if accusers will simply emerge is anyone’s guess. Potential prosecutors are still out to lunch on the matter and, what with the clogged courts, a preliminary hearing has already been kicked back to 2023.

Official USA-IOU Bar Napkins will temporarily replace the currency. These are available at various government outlets and through the Office of Tax Reduction and National Debt. In addition voters can pick up the coded bar napkins at the polling booth in November unless the world ends first. The original Franklins, for decades honored as proud standards of our republic, are now technically out of circulation.

Benjamin Franklin often dismissed critics (vis-a-vis his pants down approach) citing his chronic gout, adding that it was still the 18th Century and the progressive ideas promoted by the Sons of Liberty did not yet tender sympathy for the plight of female counterparts or consequences for perpetrators. In short: It wasn’t his fault that he was charming and of means. It wasn’t his doing that created the sins of Paris. He was only a studious observer who felt compelled to join in and enjoy what he was observing.

It remains unclear whether it will end up being cheaper to simply substitute for the engraving of Franklin and keep the current bills or print brand new ones with someone else’s mug in the hot spot. Citizens have already filed 2000 nominations to replace the late and amorous statesman. Some arrive with little kites and keys attached. Some are written in Chinese and Russian.

An alternate/radical printing effort in Denver has proposed using not Poor Richard (from the almanac) but instead Little Richard, the rock n roller, on the bills. Three times as many people interviewed by phone recognized the song “Betty Lou’s Gettin’ Out Tonight than could identify the “A penny saved is a penny earned”. So be it.

“By the time they plough through all the red tape $100 will be worth only $50 anyway,” said a local numismatist, “so it might be easier to trade blankets for whiskey. Get it?”

– Fanny Albright

Erectile dysfunction up 37% since January

(Minneapolis) Despite the passive-aggressive machismo, the nation is full of inept and clumsy lovers say doctors at the renown Mao Clinic here. Data collected, linking age to alcohol intake and after-dinner affections to thee-martini bed burner acrobatics, suggests that the situation is quickly deteriorating in an arena that few are willing to discuss openly.

“This performance was enabled when a top-ranking politician paid for sex and then lied about his escapades,” said one resident behavioral physicist on loan from Cal Polygamy Institute in Toronto. “We cannot clearly determine what that darkness might have generated when tossed out like pigeon feed to an already shell-shocked male population. When people easily accept what has always been immoral behavior as normal behavior they give up a part of themselves.”

Dr. Grace Ballgame fears that the situation is growing worse by the day. She warns of rampant denial, society’s acceptance of foreign stimulants, guilt, selfishness, expectation and the assorted hard copy of computer porn.

“All the fake bravado spewing up from Hell’s well is shaking the very foundation of what it means to be a functional male,” she continued. “Replacing love with lust is like replacing patriotism with slogans and jingoism. Even these people know the difference. They just want to blame someone in and out of the bedroom.”

Detractors of this and any other studies say it is simply a coincidence that the numbers jumped so dramatically in January in conjunction with feeble, unsubstantiated White House threats aimed at minorities, aliens, traditional allies, liberals, journalists, gays, Democrats, China, women, Canada and unions.

Sources inside the White House chose not to comment on the haunting analysis.

– Gabby Haze


“Well your blessed I guess

from never knowin’ which road you’re chosen.

To you the next best thing

to playin’ and winnin’ is playin’ and losin’.”

– from “The Lucky One” by Alison Krauss

View from home

View from home

A view of the sweeping pasture, mesas jutting out, Storm King, deer and elk enjoying an evening snack. Then the river valley closes up on itself and surrenders to the massive San Juan Cordillera to the south.

Pickin' in the afternoon

Pickin’ in the afternoon

Local musicians playing bluegrass in front of Castle Creek Guitars in Gunnison after rodeo.

Colorado Golf Courses Look to Hemp as Savior

(Mañana) Many local golf courses could be watering hemp instead of grass by 2020. Over the past two seasons the herb has emerged as a favorite of the thirsty recreation industry in the Rockies and other dry, high altitude fairways.

Although the beautiful aspen and pine would not be disturbed and the out-of-bounds would still be dominated by wicked sagebrush and cedar, the fairways, tee boxes and even the greens would be nurtured as and comprised of hemp.

Work-a-day golfers appear to have been caught with their drivers down due to changes that would be taking place and dollars that would be saved. Elite memberships have applauded the fiscal benefits of industrial hemp mowed and tapered to a fine trim. They say there have been no complaints.

“It gives a new meaning to the word “fairway”, said Harry Player, professional at Mother of Pearl Ski and Golf in Wimpton.

“It flourishes with less water than grass creating a powerfully dense landscape and attractive out of bounds area,” he said. “It’s naturally resistant to most pests. It winds its way tightly and out-competes most weeds. It in harmony with most climates and soil types and the scent is restful and serene. It’s so good the gov’ment had to make it illegal so the oil and lumber interests could survive,” he laughed.

Instructors in Washington and Oregon, who have observed the affects of hemp on handicaps, say their students are less demanding and regular players are more relaxed resulting fewer strokes and better scores. Despite the common distractions associated with the herb the overall affect is quite functional in 85% of the cases tested. The plant has a calming affect even without the THC component.

Meanwhile in golf course snack bars and lunch counters sales are brisk with appetites enticed by the tantalizing aromas and pungent floral display. Maintenance and office staff appear comfortable surrounded by the almost idyllic growth, are more relaxed and therefore more productive. Hemp parking lots, which have been around for decades, create shade and allow for a natural blueprint and further green space to be enjoyed by the community.

Several Confront Range courses are already using hemp oil to power golf carts saving money and providing a smoother ride over newly mowed hemp landing zones and grassy greens. Most say they will phase out grass altogether by 2025. Soon, industry spokesmen predict, a majority of sport facilities will turn toward the herb to provide everything from sunscreen to flood lights to ball washers, and at half the cost.

“We don’t need Chinese promotional products anymore either,” crowed an enthusiastic greenskeeper. “We’ll be crafting our own caps, gloves,  and polos with hemp instead of cotton, which requires the application of dangerous pesticides and more water to thrive. Next year we hope to introduce golf bags made of domestically raised hemp.”

– Rex Monteleone

(Warning: The U.S. Assembly of Chips and Putts reminder: Inbounds smoking of cannabis on most green zone courses, while seemingly in perfect rhythm with your swing and your attitude is strictly forbidden by federal law. Violators will be arrested and put into private prisons where they will rake sand traps and build fence until their quart date emerges.)
Polly says: It's important to do your stretches before the rodeo.

Polly says: It’s important to do your stretches before the rodeo.

Subtle transportation at the 118th Cattlemen’s Days PRCA Rodeo held in Gunnison last weekend. A well presented and well attended summer tradition continues.