Ronald McDonald Enters Treatment Facility

(Montrose, CO – March 10, 2015)
The McDonald Corporation confirmed that its lead cook and front man, Ronald McDonald, has entered a drug and alcohol treatment facility somewhere in LaPlata County. The clown, known for personal appearances and senseless TV advertising on Saturday mornings, was not available for comment.
It was clear he did not go voluntarily.
McDonald will spend the next three months undergoing therapy aimed at combating recent disorientation and serious depression stemming from his cheerleader role in helping to destroy global small business. Besides the chronic impersonalization of “eating out” McDonald has been implicated in blatant misrepresentation of ingredients, mislabeling menu items, the use of genetically modified foods, and, in the more serious charge…the brainwashing of small children.
These grease mongers have brought the concept of nutrition to its knees and created an unhealthy environment both physically and socially. They have dealt a deathblow to the concept of choice and made the country just that much more plastic and homogenized. It would be far bad enough if they were the only fast foodies but quick success has begat millions of absentee owner/corporate slop houses. They are like cockroaches.”
“Imagine a world without McDonald or McDonalds. What would we lose?” asked one critic. “People I meet in other countries think we all eat this shit, watch television and spend weekends roaming endless malls. How embarrassing,” she winced.
Just last January McDonald seemed to be crumbling, having shouted at a group of preschoolers at the opening of one of his diabetic parlors in Green River. Days later he threw a watered-down coke at a ZYX executive news anchor executive then furiously drove away in his 1949 Porsche, police on his heels.
Upon seizure of his vehicle, officers discovered an illegal stash of clown pornography, a case of Tums and three cosmetic surgery catalogues.
Interviewed back in October McDonald seemed shaken, admitting that the rigors of the restaurant business had taken a toll.
“He was going through some heavy trips,” said Mona McDonald, the clown’s half sister and heir. “Yes, he is a disgrace but I know in my heart that he never intended to hurt anyone.” – Susie Compost