Rocking Around the Tree

Acupuncture gift baskets make a great Christmas present. Now taking orders. Sapinero Sewing Circle.

 

A reenactment of the French Revolution featuring the Reign of Terror Players will be presented at the Montrose Pavilion on December 28 and 29. The director is currently searching for Montrose County residents with royal blood to play the parts of the victims and loud peasants to act as extras. French nobility will be treated to a continental breakfast before the carts are loaded. Interested parties are asked to send proof of lineage to: Max Robespierre, c/o the above facility.

 

Now available: Cliff Notes for the 22,000-page General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT). Why pore over an ocean of data when you can have it all in a concise 24-page booklet. Nobody in Congress read the damn thing. Why should you? Send $3.99 to One Two Three World Publications, Washington, DC.

 

For sale: 4,350,000 acres between Cortez and Burlington, Colorado. Owner will finance or trade for successful liquor outlet. Contact local BLM office.

 

Bring up your children by remote control. Dial 9 and hold it.

 

NEEDED: Man with chain saw to break up fights at closing time over the holidays. Grady’s Gravy Heaven, Wimpton Mall.

 

National vacuum cleaner concern seeks dirt bag to demonstrate personal utilities associated with our fine product. Can you cut the mustard, or at least wipe it off your ski parka? Good pay plus commission. Volunteer Vacuums, Pueblo and Trinidad.

 

Crummy Christmas presents got you down? We will buy jewelry, ties, perfume, scarves, chocolates, lingerie, socks, almost any gift. Yuletide Salvage, Miller Mesa. Offer good through Valentine’s Day.

 

Will butcher fowl for the fun of it. Will pay you the going rate to butcher turkeys through the end of the month for pure revenge. That dirty rat turkey killed my brother. Darian Mariposa, Mañana Grange.

 

Positions available: standing, sitting, kneeling and full recline. Send resume to Desk Jockeys International. We are your shadow fer’al government in action!

 

1000 gourmet sauces made exclusively of ketchup and ditchwater. Syd Fahrdt, Delta House.

 

Erma: I’ll be wearing a white sport coat and a pink carnation, or was that a pink sport coat and a white fixation? Anyway, (as the Big Bopper used to say) you know what I like, heh? Are you an adult? Am I? Let’s groove together until spring. I’ve even waxed my mustache and cleaned the bathroom. Slim, Post Office, CO.

 

In honor of and with respect to all fur bearing animals who are trying to get some rest this winter, we ask that all humans keep their voices down through April. In short: If you have nothing appropriate to add to the conversation just sit quietly. An attendant will be with you momentarily.

 

MAKE BIG MONEY over the holidays stuffing olives, artichokes, peppers, turkeys, envelopes. Pimento Recyclers, on the sunny side of the street.

 

Wash dishes in Nairobi! Scrub pots in Kathmandu! Screen silverware in Arkadelphia! Send complete resume and $10 filing fee to International Pearl Diver Placement and Exchange. Box 33, No Name, CO 81603.

 

ATTENTION TRAVELERS! The Cane Law is now in effect on Monarch, Coal Bank, Red Mountain and Wolf Creek Passes. Anyone over 95 years of age should avoid operating a motor vehicle on these passes until June or July – San Juan Search and Rescue.

 

Strong-willed SWM seeks submissive SWF for Ping-pong interludes in my heated garage. I am interested in quiet walks, ice fishing and leaf collecting but I’m afraid to go outside. I’ve been told I’m good. Warren of Wexley, Whispering Pines, Ouray.

 

Will buy one-cent stamps for a dime on the dollar. Let’s play post office! Elmer Glioux, Jack’s Cabin, Utah.

 

Will the person who stole my Lou Reed raincoat from the Tiny Tot Daycare Center please return it at once? If I catch you wearing it, I’ll cut you real bad – Flower.

 

Locked out of your car? We have furnished apartments for rent by the day or week. Towels and sheets slightly extra. Maybelle’s Sleeping Rooms, Indian Massacre Highway across from the Silver Spoon Rendering Plant. Maybelle’s is in no way associated with Ed’s Beds of Denver, Colorado.

 

Will stud tires, fix pets, administer hormone shots, arrange social encounters, ferment perfume, weld relationships, break horses, harass fur wearers, lie to creditors. Tyrone’s Tires, Sassafras Pass.

 

“Mother Was a Teenage Rastafarian” will be showing at the Uranium Drive-In until the world ends or further notice. Thank you.

 

I, Saint Nicholas, am no longer responsible for debts, private or public, incurred by Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle or The Jolly Old Elf as of December 31, 2012  – Saint Nicholas, Nicosia, Cyprus.

 

Erotic laser gum massage by Sue. Weekdays by appointment. Box 3998, Horseshoe.

 

Older rancher seeks young woman to cook for 27 helpless sons, ranging from 16 to 44. Chores include feeding cows, shearing sheep, egg gathering, llama baiting, frog calling, fly swatting and horse catching. Could work into a lasting marriage with one or more of us. Private house trailer through the winter, then we’ll just see what happens. Happy McDuff, Cimarron South.

 

HUBCAPS FOR ANY OCCASION. Call Hubcap Johnny 1-800-999-3546. After hours call Johnny at home.

 

Got popcorn balls for Christmas? Call St. Roscoe’s Hospital if you have insurance.

 

Dukakis-Benson political trivia. T-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign buttons, ball caps and cheap jewelry. Still have some Walter Mondale Christmas hairspray and several Spiro Agnew holiday false teeth sets for next to nothing. Bo the Balloonist.

 

Kittens for Christmas. $350 firm. We don’t have to tell you that the price will go up after December. Also parting out old, wet newspaper sports pages and used vacuum cleaner bags. No checks. No sales before noon. No tobacco chewers. 22774499225577 Road, Olathe.

 

COME SEE a replica of the downtown Montrose business district this Christmas. Located two miles north of our South Townsend location. Wal-Mart Saving You Money!

 

Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will head south for the winter on December 31. Now’s the time to stock up. Ed will be in Ouray on December 19 and Crested Butte on December 26. Montrose and Gunnison in between. Happy Holidays!

 

WILL PREPARE POTATOES for you and your family over the holidays. Fried, poached, escalloped, baked, boiled, mashed, steamed, stewed, broiled, scrambled, twice-cooked, au gratin, and rehabilitated. The Eyes Have It, Spud Hill.

 

Vegetarian will trade cow for magic beans. Maureen in Seattle.

 

Have you finally chosen the perfect group to hate? Have you zoned in and isolated one social class or ethnic mixture that can be blamed for all of society’s problems? You’re on the right track! We specialize in helping people just like you. Just send us your thoughts and we’ll send back a well versed thesis that backs up your bigotry with all kinds of facts, numbers, graphs and projections. Win those heated arguments at the dump or in the laundromat. How do you think the politicians do it time and time again? Be prepared! Send ideas to Opinion Bozos, Blind Box 007, Horseshoe.