Inventor of Panty-Hose Found Strangled

(Montrose) The woman credited with developing and marketing panty-hose was found near death at Sea View Apartments here this morning. A victim of her own shallow devices, 98-year-old Ruthie Roosterson, was cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Memorial. She expired some three hours after her check cleared.

Police have a suspect in custody, a Pea Green chemist and former La Spezian restauranteur Maude de Flippante, who has repeatedly claimed to have invented panty-hose three years before Roosterson. Flippante, then a resident of the Limousin Region of France (see civilized countries under Europe) was promptly arrested and may get the death penalty due to what the court called “tasteless crimes against the comfort, sensuality and libido of all”.

He had publicly threatened to strangle Roosterson at a fashion show in Berlin in 1990.

Flippante is no good,” said his former mistress with whom he escaped a racketeering charge in suburban Paris in 1984. “He stowed away in a case of Martel and didn’t share.”

Roosterson’s eager heirs were notified as to the dire misfortune last night. Authorities informed the lot that there was no money to inherit since Roosterson had squandered her fortune at craps in a Tawaoc (Colorado) gambling casinos over the past few months. Most of the holy expectant remain in seclusion, fiscally devastated by the turn of events.

The sole suspect plans to plead innocent on all charges despite incriminating DNA samples found on the death scene. A trial/barbecue is planned at Pea Green Hall later in the month. Bring a covered fish.

– Landover Pigeone