Ridgway to be flooded “again”

(North Cora) The town of Ridgway may find itself in cold water before long according to the Bureau of Land Management, which has secured the right to build a second “shadow” dam at Dallas Meadows.
The additional structure has become necessary after extended studies shed bright light on problems at Dutch Charlie’s Mega-Wall to the north. Although built with precision and high tech coordination the dam may not hold back much water in an emergency.

“If we had two dams we might resolve leakage and especially serious breakage from the raging Uncompahgre,” said Arnold Gernot of the BLM. “We are very sorry to inconvenience the residents of Ridgway who have invested millions in such infrastructure as houses and storefronts but progress is progress and we will do what must be done.”

Many of our longtime readers will remember when Ridgway was primed for induced flooding back in the 60s and 70s, when people living there were told the place would soon be under water. Fortunately for realtors, ranchers and the now bloated town government plans changed and the river was dammed miles to the north.
Water conserved at the dam was to be used to irrigate onion fields down country. The reservoir would be used for recreation. All of these things have come to pass.

Inhabitants here say the second dam is a punitive reaction” by the gov’ment to muffle protests. They insist that the wildlife fence was erected to keep them in more than to keep deer and elk out.
Gernot denied the accusations saying the fence was built to accentuate the landscape, link future waterways and teach the herds a hard lesson in migratory shifts and dietary priorities.

“How can these people scream about totalitarianism when there are escape gate everywhere,” slammed Gernot. “The fences are there to keep the serfs from hurting themselves.”

The new constructed is slated to begin tomorrow which should give residents 24 hours to vacate the premises. The BLM is currently working with aid agencies to provide temporary shelter and canned food will be available three times per day.

“Again we apologize for these minor inconveniences,” flapped Gernot, “but in reality if people want to avoid these clashes with inevitable growth they should have built their lives in more rural settings.”

The National Guard will arrive to help people move out of their houses and assure protocol is maintained during the Code Blue evacuation. Attention to pine beetles, climate change and ever-threatening drought will be placed on the back burner until 2017.

Although many remain convinced that the flooding will never occur they are concerned that all this preliminary activity will destroy the town park, which has been designated as the Command Post for gov’ment activity throughout the project.

“We’ve had hell here trying to create a green, healthy lawn and now the feds will be stomping all over our work,” said one greens keeper on loan from Dallas Divine Golf Corpse on Log Hill Mesa. “Initial probes on the part of BLM engineers have already succeeded in flooding the post office and have threatened several palatial structures raised by the local humane society from sales of used clothing.”

Mountain Market has confirmed that sales of watercraft, snorkeling equipment and sandbags are up 60% in apprehension of the crisis while Ridgway Hardware has extended hours to deal with projected overflows.

– Gabby Haze