Red Mountain Pass to go under the knife this fall

(Ouray) Due to chronic spatial problems that prevent further widening of Highway 550, Red Mountain Pass will undergo geologic liposculpture next month. The experimental procedure, called appropriately enough, cutting edge surgery, will begin with a trimming away of rock fat and rounding out of the topography.

“Our efforts may well succeed in giving us more room to expand the falling away pavement and present the terrain with a slimmer figure,” said one highway engineer.

The lack of space at some strategic points has been a problem for decades since the footage between cliffs and drop-offs is barely wide enough for two vehicles to pass safely. Attempts at carving away at existing rock formations and shoring up eroding edges have resulted in temporary fixes.

“One of the most beautiful drives in the country could be even more enjoyable with a little more space,” said the source. “It’s a whole lot more than moving a few mountains around,” he said. “We have to respect the nature a gravity and the confines of physical laws.”

The surgery, which will be performed by lasers and arthroscopic maneuvers, will be conducted at night so as not to interfere with daytime traffic flow.

“Our main focus now is Riverside and the high country above Chattanooga. Many stretches of the pass are fine right now and will have to wait for seasonal grooming. We’re keeping an eye on them too as winter approaches.”

-Gabby Haze