Negotiations on Cannibal Statue Continue

(Lake City) Despite moral controversy, belt-tightening and outright threats from rogue militias, talks continue on the acquisition of a classic statue in Alferd Packer’s backyard.

The neoclassical ivory sculpture, the work of Leonard Kern who died in 1662, clearly shows a homo sapiens of some status chowing down on what appears to be a human leg while a smaller cherub presumably waits for scraps.

“To display a memorial to Colorado Cannibal Alferd Packer is simply in bad taste even after all these years and all the jokes,” said Wardeen Stenson, freelance pharmacist for the Slumgullion Region. “It praises the consumption of human flesh and has no place on our grocery list.”

Readers may recall that in1874, during an arduous trek across the San Juans in winter, Packer the mountain guide allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County. Many residents favor the “subtle installation” of the late Renaissance statue at the softball field.

“Packer did time and is considered a dangerous criminal in the archives of state history,” added Stenson. “The last thing we need is to remind the tourists of his infamy.”

-Fred Zeppelin

“Do cannabis dispensaries require employees to take a drug test?”  – Kid Reefer