Is Montrose Ready for Roundabouts?

(Pomona, CO – Merry Go Merry Review – September 15, 2017)

County Commissioners, elected officials and other self-appointed public figures remain in closed-door session this evening, dissecting the jagged issue of further roundabout construction here.

Roundabouts, or traffic circles as they are called in some cultures, began appearing last winter and have duplicated themselves quite handily according to one local bus driver who prefers the circles to four-way stops or traffic lights.

“Many of our fellow motorists do not get the four-way thing,” she said. “Besides, the city has never achieved any consistency with traffic light synchronization which leads to congestion particularly in the southern chain zone and at major intersections. It’s almost like recent CDOT traffic pattern blueprints and ridiculous lane use programs were created on computers in Denver without site visitation.”

The driver, who requested anonymity, pointed to the merge south of town at Chipeta and Highway 550 as the biggest bugaboo calling the vehicle amalgamation “an accident waiting to happen.” She also suggested that the city could make better use of lanes at Main and Townsend.

“Minimal traffic flow goes straight on West Main compared to the number of persons attempting to turn left onto 550,” she mused. “Why not use that middle land as an optional lane where people could turn or go straight in conjunction with personal destinations. They do it in progressive cities and towns all over the country.”

Getting back to roundabouts, unreliable sources tell us that at least 5 more are planned for 2017. Although exact locations were not released, it is projected that most drivers will be going in circles soon. Multi-tiered bridges and overpasses, once considered as substitutes for by-passes, have been tabled until no one is looking anymore. The money saved on traffic lights and tin stop signs is considerable and will be used to buy more nuclear-age combat equipment for the local police force.

“Motorists are expected to negotiate the average roundabout in seconds, and certainly less than a minute,” said an unidentified source at the pinochle, euchre and bridge department. “The last thing we need is for drivers to continue to go round and around aimlessly for hours. Sadly, we had an elderly man spinning in circles for 48 hours last May. He was finally rescued and whisked off to the local Denny’s for bad coffee and light conversation. He responded quickly despite the powerful pharmaceuticals he takes twice a day, but remains shaken from the ordeal.”

When and if the above-referenced meeting is completed, officials here hope to achieve a firm understanding of urban planning and physics, two academic studies that have eluded “leaders” up until now.

“Our goal is to go to lunch,” said one Commissar. “After that we will field questions in the parking lot and then go home.”

One frightening option is the creation of two-story roundabouts aimed at further application of available space. Engineers insist it is doable while religious and spiritual leaders expressed doubt as to the feasibility of such edifices on local roads. They remain concerned that people will begin worshipping the edifices thus creating  unfair competition for souls in the valley.

Meanwhile the Division of Wildlife is offering a six-week seminar Manipulation of Roundabouts in a Semi-Hostile Environment beginning with the first snow.

“We feel that this state agency has competent experience in dealing with feral nature of driving a car in the 21^st Century,” said a councilman. “These folks deal with crabby bears and aggressive moose every day. Certainly they can ease the anxieties of motorists who are not at all comfortable with changes. Roundabout safety is our highest priority.

– Fred Zeppelin