Metric Politics Instituted

(Grand Imperial, Colorado — Progressive Math News — June 10, 2015)
In an attempt to modernize and simplify the electoral process, the United States government will implement a weights and balance system called Squirrel Metric Affairs.
The oddly named metric knockoff replaces the Imperial System. Named after Wilson Squirrel, a physicist from Cal Amari, this brand of metric appears more logical and more humane, two attributes not visible in the miles, pounds and feet lobby.
Other physicists and a couple hundred “yard employees” working at Ronald McDonald Douglas have all but completed a battery of interactive tests aimed at discovering the validity of Squirrel’s findings.
“Nuts!’ said one of the new standard bearers. “The answers to all of these questions is Nuts! Nuts hidden away for winter. It’s some kind of geek code between Squirrel and the boys and girls over in receiving. I hear it gets downright risqué when the tides come in.”
The test tube connection occurred after 48 hours of black coffee and desperate solicitation.
Almost all of the yard employees have complained of caffeine visions that have done little to undress broken promises or to step up as valid binary functions.
“”Your gov’ment will begin sending out conversion tables Thursday,” said Waldo Marques, who is somehow loosely attached to the effort. “If I were running this mess I’d tell everyone to shut up and sit down. I called Cal Amari the other afternoon and they’d never heard of Squirrel or the metric system.”
In a nutshell the system identified one Obama with 50 Democrats while two McConnells equal one Killovote. Simple enough so far, heh?
An exact conversion of debates to issues has yet to be established. No number of debates ever yields a single issue but a few issues could be tagged on to the end of most equations herein. (Ask any five-year-old to explain it to you.)
Since it is common knowledge among the elite that one can make plenty of Platforms, Milispeeches and Filibusters with just a relatively small investment and measuring tape. 200 of these in any order can replace an Issue altogether. 1000 Mini-polls equals an Assumption. Half an Assumption is the same as what they lovingly refer to as Policy.
Quantum Politics, which has yet to be invented by anyone named Squirrel, has leaped to the forefront in corporate boardrooms and university classrooms. General consensus suggests that only people in the position to benefit financially Squirrel’s Metric Affairs could possibly give a damn about these formulas.
The rest of the people will continue to watch television for answers.
Now you try: If 19.5 Campaign Promises times the TV Constant is the same as Integrated Popular Opinion divided by the correct number of Mini-Polls assorted by color and fabric where is the dog right now? Bonus: Who takes out the trash in this arrangement? (Hint: Don’t forget about News Byte Projection). – Breakfast Bill