Massive Rubber Deposits Authenticated at Snodgrass

(Crested Butte) What might be the largest rubber vein ever detected was unearthed under Snodgrass Mountain near here Friday. The incredible deposit, which local geologists say has been in the ground longer than coal and molybdenum, measures roughly 10,000 acres and stretches into Delta and Pitkin Counties.

Surveyors mapping Snodgrass for yet another proposed ski are expansion scheme say the “ore” is of extremely high quality and is rarely found near coal or silver in this vicinity. They expressed surprise that so much of the valuable commodity was just lying around on the ground near the portals.

“Upon further investigation we discovered massive caverns whose walls were carved out with pure rubber,” said one surveyor. “Sushi quality rubber. After roaming through these perfectly symmetrical hallways, tunnels and caves nobody much wanted to survey anymore. We were all having too much fun bouncing off the sides of the cavern and collecting specimens.”

As might be expected the announcement sent shock waves through the mining industry. Pay-Max, a giant mining company with many local molybdenum claims quickly sent top executives to have a look. Already they are insisting that they retain all rights to Snodgrass and Gothic Mountains, Red Lady and Teocali as well as Crested Butte Mountain, The Bench, Kebler Pass and Lake Irwin. A spokesman for Pay-Max told The Horseshoe that if the strike is “half of what it appears to be” residents should expect to see an assortment of satellite operations on the works by spring.

“Here we sit watching molybdenum prices and someone stumbles across the largest rubber reserves on the planet. It just proves that the rich were born rich for a very good reason,” smiled a fidgety Pay-Max executive, who said he didn’t like high places.

Meanwhile over at Crested Butte Mountain Resort (CBMR) plans to expand anything are at a standstill since one of the cast of corporate thousands reportedly forgot to secure the mineral rights to the Snodgrass-Gothic Corridor (SGC) from the Department of the Posterior (DOP).

“We have one executive director who has nothing else to do but watch the earth move and the snow fall,” said an angry ski boss. “What was she doing? Skiing?”

We attempted to reach the DOP late this morning for a comment on this latest episode but everyone had already gone home for the day.

The ski area plans to fight the mining interest saying that the extraction of rubber from below the surface is not compatible with existing use of the forests. They say the rubber mills alone would adversely affect smooth slopes and ski mansion foundations.

“Consider if you will the detonation of dynamite all day long and the sucking sounds of the heavy machinery used to pull out the rubber ore,” said a ski source. “How did you think they harvested rubber, from trees?”

– Uncle Pahgre