Local Woman Loses Battle With Cat Over Lizard Torture

(El Jebel — August 18, 2016)

A local woman, who wishes to remain inanimate, has tragically lost her courageous battle with local cat, Fluffy, over Fluffy’s alleged use of recreational lizard torture at the women’s residence, each summer since 2009.

The local woman, identified only as a living female who resides somewhere people would gossip about, has announced that she will immediately give up her seven-year battle with Fluffy over what she has called the Cat’s “annual insanely macabre practice of outright lizard torture in order to help pass the hours during those lazy, hazy days of summer.”

Answering reporter’s questions, the local woman, who was fully clothed prior to the announcement, said this:

“I give up.  This is ridiculous. That cat is playing me as a fool. Last year it just kept chewing off little parts of the lizard’s tail. One night, the Cat begged me to let its little lizard friend Larry sleep-over. Larry’s tail was already noticeably shorter than it should have been, but I relented. The next morning I found that Larry had less than half of his tail left. Still, the Cat pleaded. ‘Oh, please? Can’t my little friend Larry sleep over tonight? Look! He loves me!

“Sure, I knew that part of the Cat’s story just didn’t ring true. I could plainly see that the Cat’s little pal Larry was getting smaller each night. Larry’s eyes weren’t so bright as the fence lizard picture in the little golden book of animals nobody cares about. Still, I looked at Fluffy, knowing Larry seemed to be the Cat’s only friend, and I let Larry sleep over.”

“Next morning, Larry had no tail left at all and was lying upside down next to the Cat on the sofa. The Cat broke the uncomfortable silence with, ‘Me and Larry were wondering what’s for breakfast?’

“I picked up Larry’s short, dazed body and I removed him to an undisclosed safe house where he had everything he needed to recover and start a new life.
Next morning I found Larry on the floor in the kitchen, no tail and his head and legs were missing. The Cat sat on the kitchen table and cleaned its feet on my placemat. Then it said, ‘wasn’t The Godfather a great movie?’

“That was last year. It’s started again this year with a new lizard. I’m no match for that Cat. I know that now. I just wish I had learned this lesson a long time ago.”

Such a tragic story, yet not uncommon in our own neighborhoods. The San Juan Horseshoe wishes to thank this local woman for the courage to speak with us about her own personal hell, created by the unassuming Fluffy the Cat.

– Lina Baquer

August 7, 2016