Local Landfills Seek Rebranding

(Montrose) Sick and tired of being called the dump, local trash brokers here are completing a serious makeover of this and other associate landfills. Image-conscious trademarks and logos are high on the docket and should be completed by fall. Then a soft opening for Christmas is slated, followed by a hard opening the following summer.

“It’s flat amazing how fast bureaucracies can move once someone lights a fire under them,” said Wynonna Wrapp, a consumer advocate and environmental technician. “In fairness we have seen government agencies shift gears and implement programs that benefit all clientele, from the lowest of disposers to the corporate garbage collectors”.

Tree planting, ponds, shade, windbreaks, a gift shop and a hermetically-sealed cafe are all in the works. Socialist shuttles to and from the destination sites are all part of the plan to humanize the waste experience.

Citing problems discarding debris, Wrapp called on municipalities to change the way we throw away our garbage. “Allowing our clientele access to heavy equipment and explosive devices would send a strong message that we encourage participation in the process of burying refuse, which we do not!”

Economic development committees, reportedly headquartered in nearby commercial zones, will begin weekly visits to the Gold Star Waste Sites and prepare blueprints aimed at a more pleasant encounter for the throngs of visitors expected in the heavy tourist months. Live music venues, tractor pulls and cook-offs aren’t far behind according to varied sources.

“Sure little souvenirs are nice, rides & balloons are positive and shooting rats is fun,” said Wrapp, “but we hope to get to the bottom of such conflicts as flies and aroma. We want to keep it cleaner. We want to educate.”

Email them at www.teamlandfill@usa.com and they’ll send you an hourly email so you can follow the entire transformation from home. And don’t forget to sign up to win a signature dumpster or a previously owned microwave. Other great prizes like big-screen TVs, hats and t-shirts plus garbage bags for life.

– Tommy Middlefinger