Lipstick on the virus pig

(Denver) The decision to reclassify medical masks as lingerie has spurred a startling increase in use as well as created lots of interest in applied fashion in the age of limbo. Colorado Governor Jared Polis made the announcement Thursday raising eyebrows but not ruffling feathers in this purple state.

According to leading retailers even the gender-distinct mask styles have already blurred the images or male and female mugs. Coupled with a built-in disguise mechanism, over the nose and face, the masks severely push the limit with regards to identity theft and often threaten traditional security methods.

The sometimes-scanty masks often made of lavish fabrics and featuring curves in all the right places, have been selling like hotcakes since they hit the market in July. Classification like this one not only pushes the masks into the spotlight but demands ingenuity along the way creating satellite industries and more jobs for developing sweat shops.

“These facial coverings are no different than scarves or sweat socks,” said Abby Daybedd, a former morality chairman in the Nixon Administration. “But the fact that they are considered lingerie goes a long way toward explaining the trendy chaos that follows homo sapiens and what constitutes legitimate style.”

Experts say the sudden popularity of the facemasks is due in part with the human desire to be attractive, even erotic in dress, attitude and mannerisms.

“If the government can convince its constituency that facemasks are attractive even sensual we re all in worse trouble than we thought,” said Daybedd.

Despite primary utilitarian concerns as to the nature of the facade, ground-floor manufacturers are already producing edible masks, bikini masks, lip pump coverings, falsie masks, demi-masks, bully masks and a overwhelming assortment of BDSM masks. One innovative factory has promised to concoct a crotchless mask before Valentine’s Day.

“In keeping with good taste, attire junkies are asked to avoid sequin masks and to reject the growing punk practice of wearing white or pastel after Labor Day.

– Evelyn Marmotbreath