Incense Alleged in Royal Family

(London) Troubles continue for the royal family today as an ex-domestic servant accused leading figures within the court of using incense in public and private ceremonies at Westminster and at picnics on the Thames. Although the developments have shaken even the Tower of London, calls for a new government appear to be weeks away.

“The aroma here now is one of deceit and shame,” said one palace gardener. “We hear that most of the stuff comes from Asia. That’s not very British, is it? One only has to look at the odd shapes of the ears and the allegations appear far too true.”

Readers may recall that only last week Treasury Secretary Farthing Pro Quid Bono was arrested for embellishment, capping off a scandal poised to bring down the Johnson Government.

Petroleum Fumes Rapidly Becoming Drug of Choice

(Montrose) Second-hand petroleum fumes, inhaled during interaction with the gas pump. are quickly replacing methamphetamines as the drug of choice for the lower middle class in small towns all across the country. The easily accessible fumes, which escape in gaseous form from the pumps while a person is filling his tank, create an instantaneous high and almost immediate addiction.

“They’re fun,” said one woman interviewed while filling her tank at Scrapeway. “I’d light up a cigarette and really take a trip…but they’re illegal.”

The problem appears to be much worse in Montrose since the city has so many more gasoline stations. In Crested Butte, for instance people, with the exception of the late night bar crowd, don’t dig the fume subculture preferring to puff.

“We’ve been seeing a lot of snodgrass on the streets,” said one officer, but at least its grown locally.”

-Small Mouth Bess