NATIONAL FORESTS TO GET CORPORATE SPONSORS

(Washington) Our National Forests will be assigned corporate sponsors by the end of the summer according to the Department of the Interior. As local politicians line up for the spoils and environmentalists scream bloody murder, the public seems oblivious to the move.

Sources at the Interior Department say they don’t really like the idea of allowing large companies to associate with land trusts but that the fiscal situation dictates a change in policy. Most corporations will sink millions of dollars into upkeep and preservation of the forests although some conflicts of interest have already emerged.

“It’s nothing more than what happened to all the college bowl games on New Year’s Day,” said Melvin Tool, the brainchild of the new hierarchy.

At present, several Western Colorado forests have been apportioned out and assigned corporate sponsors at least until the end of the century. The forests affected by this pilot program are the Uncompahgre, the Gunnison, the San Juan, the White River and the Routt National Forests. In the future all citizens making reference to these bodies of land will refer to the trusts as follows: the Uncompahgre is now the Prudential Uncompahgre National Forest; the Gunnison is the Frito-Lay Gunnison National Forest; The San Juan is the Xerox San Juan National Forest; the White River is the Procter and Gamble White River National Forest and the Routt is the Citicorp Routt National Forest.

In return for large financial investments the controlling corporations will be allowed to employ the land for the common good of stockholders and limit access to the public when it is determined profitable. They must also foot the bill for utilities, seasonal painting, carpeting and overall maintenance.

“We might see some company like Frito-Lay shooting a commercial near Snodgrass Mountain or a concern such as Xerox featuring some guy in Paradise Basin trying to make copies to send to a customer over in Howardsville,” flinched Tool. “Otherwise the corporate presence will be almost undetectable, especially during the winter months when everything is covered in snow and roads are inaccessible.”

It is expected that by the end of the year all the nation’s forests will graced with corporate sponsors as bidding in Europe and Asia will get off the ground next week.

“Things are running smoothly thus far as we will retain all present departments and hire about 40,000 part-time summer employees to keep an eye on things out in the woods,” added Tool. “We can still tag deer and elk, tranquilize bear and mountain lions, put up little signs and run around in our green trucks all we want,” said Tool, “but now somebody else is paying the piper.” -Kashmir Horseshoe