Horizontal Zoning Revives Red Light District

(Crested Butte) This once bawdy brothel row may be making a comeback here and everyone isn’t happy about it.  According a referendum narrowly passed in the last election and a series of piggy-back amendments to the holy charter, discrimination based on profession or occupation is now illegal within town limits.

The controversial horizontal zoning regulations make it clearly legal to operate a house of ill repute, or brothel, just so long as the management adheres to long established town ordinances. The houses will not be allowed on Elk Avenue, must be painted purple as prescribed by BOZO. They must purchase a license and follow strict and hours of operation as set by the local council.

Many residents see this particular development as a return to the old days and add that, despite the conservative side of the population, this kind of monkey business had always been here since the mining days. Seeing the houses as historically significant, they say prostitution should be grandfathered in and made legal just like real estate transactions, ski area development and the creation of subdivisions.

 Detractors say the profession is immoral and that they will not stand for it here.

“We will not be a part of any consummation of this type with common courtesans, their entourage or anything else that sounds French,” said Abner Cole, of Peanut Lake. “We already have enough distraction here with the hippies. Derelicts that would use a service of this type already have bars, dancing and liquor stores. What makes them think that just because brothels are a normal part of almost every society in the world that we should tolerate them here too?”

Horizontal zoning plan calls for the parlor houses to be restricted to Belleview Avenue and at least 200 feet from public lands or access points. No flashing lights or loud music will be tolerated and no liquor may be consumed on the specific property during hours of operation. Already parking overflow problems are being undressed and flower boxes are in place.

“Let’s look at this proposal with both eyes open.” blinked one councilman, Cyrus Klopps, “Horizontal zoning is good for Crested Butte. It allows for a tremendous tax base, it creates jobs and it gives the tourists something to do besides eating, skiing, eating and watching TV in their rooms at night.

“We must stop dragging our heels on this libertine issue,” he continued. “The place is so damn vertical now that it drives a lot of us nuts.”

A brainchild of allegedly enlightened town planners, horizontal zoning restricts certain types of service businesses from the main street and encourages more retail space. This kind of zoning creates diversity and allows for more restaurants and boutiques in the center of town.

– Kashmir Horseshoe