“Hub” Early Qualifier for Robot Cops

New meets old in Montrose

(Montrose) By virtue of its new status as an All-American City this Western Colorado locale may qualify for millions of dollars in federal funding to establish an elite robot police force here. The money, which is designated for urban planning, traffic arteries and asphalt, as well as high-tech law enforcement, should start pouring in before the end of the year.

There will be no immediate changes in the police force according to a city council spokesman who has hired over 200 police recruits over the past three years. It is estimated that it may take up to five years to transform the police department from human to robot.

“We have the highest ratio of police to citizens in North America already,” said the councilperson, admitting he is sometimes afraid of several of the more outspoken officers. “Even though our crime rate is rising we think they are performing a great service to the community. We haven’t made any headway with the creeping meth problem but we have certainly arrested a slew of citizens and visitors for DUI and our adherence to the Say No To Drugs campaign has netted the city a fleet of fancy new four-wheel-drives. We appear to be on the right track.”

Montrose plans to retrain the existing police force in alternative occupations such as prison guards and private security positions. Some police will remain in their positions as supervisory personnel.

“We don’t feel the robots will work well in environs where a human factor is prevalent,” said the councilman. “Besides, the software needed to run these robots is not compatible with anything more than strict law enforcement and control of the population by whatever means is deemed necessary.”

Robot police can easily walk a beat for 24 hours if necessary without using fossil fuel or needing lunch or even a coffee break, which could save the city a bundle in operating expenses. Rather than a salary these metal gumshoes exist on minimum maintenance and follow orders to the ultimate without emotional attachment or detachment. Sophisticated sensors built in to every robot often put these space-age constables at the scene of the crime before the crime happens.

“We’ve lost some good people over the years and now they won’t have to risk their lives in the line of fire,” continued the source. “Nobody needs a bullet-proof vest or radios to call for backup.”

Robot cops operating secretly in other US cities have been found to be an effective deterrent to crime for the above stated reasons and because no upstanding criminal wants to be hauled in by a machine, especially one that cannot be distracted, bribed or intimidated. In experimental enforcement scenarios crooks have learned not to push the envelope since these robots are no nonsense crime fighters programmed to show little restraint and quite prepared to take control if the situation demands more intensity.

Uncooperative perpetrators risk a backhand or a head butt, which carries more clout than a billy club.

“Rather than dwell on the violent side of this measure, we feel it is important to understand that innocent citizens have nothing to fear from the robots, unless of course programming systems fail or software issues emerge in the heat of battle,” said the councilman.

Rumors that the new police battalion would be crafted from local resources at Recla Metals have been deemed false and vehemently denied by all concerned with the final phase of the procedure.

“The robot cops will arrive in large crates with extensive instructions. Some assembly may be required,” said a strong proponent of the plan who requested anonymity. “The manufacturer uses only the finest US steel and the robots are fabricated for longevity and multiple use. Just a little car wax and they look as good as new.”

Citizens can expect to see the new police force on the streets sometime in 2014. – Kashmir Horseshoe