Congress Pledges to Fight Cannibalism in Chambers

(Warshington) Lawmakers on both sides of the political football have pledged to confront the growing problem of cannibalism in the House and Senate. In a joint statement both Democrats and Republicans called for an end to the primitive ritual which has plagued the governing bodies since the 2024 elections.

     “We cannot conduct business in the shadow of this menace,” said one Republican who accused Democrats of head hunting and bad table manners. “This time these liberals have bitten off more than they can chew.”

     Watchdog groups here have investigated over 40 cases of alleged cannibalism in the past two months. Despite ridiculous pensions, royal health care and bribes from lobbyists these elected officials appear to be hungry for more.

     “This was never a problem until the evangelicals and the Tea Party people took their seats,” said a high-ranking Democrat who claims that Congressional cannibalism can no longer be hidden from the American people.

     “Cannibalism has no place in a clean, well operated and transparent government and it won’t fly in these chambers either,” added the high Democrat.

     Cannibalism, which is not mentioned in the Constitution, the Bill of Rights or the New Testament has been defined as the willful consumption of one’s fellow species. It is seen as a power play by those who would break bread with the devil himself to further their selfish agendas.

     “We have a morality problem in the Congress,” said one monitoring source. “There is none.       

– Fred Zeppelin