Sage Grouse Surrender

(Gunnison) The last remnants of the 101st Mobile Sage Grouse battalion, that has operated near Parlin for centuries, has surrendered to a group of environmentalists here. According to unreliable sources the capitulation took place just after dawn yesterday.

     Citing increased publicity regarding their plight the birds agreed that they could no longer hold out.

     “There have been over 300 stories about the endangered status of our species,” said one hen. “Well I’m here to tell you that we still exist, despite all the obsession about our well being. It’s a privacy thing. You journalists wouldn’t understand,” she said.

     After being taken into custody, the birds are expected to be housed in makeshift camps along Tomichi Creek until suitable homes can be located. In addition, animal behaviorists, living amid the flock, will be able to tabulate mating habits and social norms in an attempt to preserve the species for future generations to enjoy.

     As the curtain went down on the camps last night another crisis appeared to be averted as it was determined that the grouse preferred pretzels to potato chips and that flying around in cramped spaces was becoming a hassle.

     “OK so we’re here,” continued the hen, “the least we can do is make the best of it. These people need to lighten up, get a smile on their beaks and enjoy life. Species, like empires, come and go. What’s important is to keep your feathers straight while you’re here.”

     “I feel a lot better knowing the sage grouse are safe what with all those lynx and wolves running around,” said one county commissioner. “Now if we could get the cows to work on the highways we’d be in high cotton.”

– Fred Zeppelin  

The United States is the only nation with more civilian guns than people, with about 120 guns for every 100 Americans,