FREELOADER HOROSCOPE

Even the skies resent a bum, at least we think they do. The following is a prepared astrological sushi roll for the person whose prime time on the planet is spent taking up space, often at the expense of the other guy. Winter is here and there’s no place warm to sleep for the slothful who doze while the crazed, of honest pioneer stock, chop wood and staple visquine till hell won’t have it. Is it beans or caviar? A soft bed or the pavement? Elegance or the shelter? Read on.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
If your birthday was yesterday you’ve missed it. There is a big difference between expect and expert . Watch out for someone else’s bright ideas landing in your lap. Kick all extra points very carefully. It may be better to open doors than beer cans at the present. Try on a little responsibility. Walk around in it. Look in the mirror. If it doesn’t fit you don’t have to buy it. Nice low profile. Cut the trash, flash the cash! Accept all free rides no matter what the destination. Tonight: Sleep under a different bridge.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Why drag yourself out of bed early? It just makes you tired in the early hours of the morning. Yield the power of positive thinking to someone else. Feeling sorry for yourself is its own reward. Try keeping to the sunny side of the alley and stay horizontal when possible. It’s not that you exhibit no interests it’s more that they all surface at once, effectively shorting out your brain, leaving you confused by self-motivation and in need of a nap. Your keen knowledge of history will be of great benefit today. Look! A half of an Anthony and Cleopatra, still smoking, right there in the gutter beside you. Tonight: Fried bologna.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Relaxation is your driving force. Milk it. Ask not for whom the couch tolls! Venus, your ruler, will soon travel deep into the sympathetic sign of Capricorn. Hopefully she has four-wheel-drive. Avoid physical labor but never at the expense of mental fatigue. You had a good idea once. Your generosity will not exceed your needs. Curb tendencies toward charity. Venus crosses your love path tonight. Too bad you’ve destroyed credibility and cannot borrow so much as cab fare and the money for a six-pack. Lead with your best side if there is such a thing. You would make a great grammar school science project. Tonight: Change at least one of your socks.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Keep your good eye open for an unexpected pleasure. The merry-go-round is still a miracle even if it’s going in the wrong direction. Ride along or sit back on the bench and watch others spin. Carnivals are far more meaningful than bank statements and phone bills. Don’t allow the little piggies to get your goat, especially in the work place. Don’t ride elevators with gypsies. Without the exotic mundane there would be no grounded thrills. This the right time of the year to talk to cats on the fence. Tonight: Open a whole new can of beans.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Affairs of the heart may get caught in your throat. Challenge house plants. Just because you feel affection for a great many people doesn’t give you liberties in the field of pantslessness. Put your mind to it and there is nothing you can do. Don’t let others make decisions for you unless they are buying the wine. Application of a little charm at the front door might gain temporary entry but will most likely result in a posterior deposit at the servant’s entry. You will find a new source of income once Mars changes signs this week. Two welfare checks are better than one. Tonight: Get to the soup kitchen early.

TAURUS (April 20- May 20)
A successful career is in your grasp. Take heart…this too will pass. Black tie decadence is not affordable on your second-hand, brown bag budget. That stray bullet was meant for you. Learn to be a graceful loser. Why simply hesitate when you can ignore altogether. Another nap is fine. You may be mistaken as functional in a love relationship. Sabotage is easier than commitment. A remote dumpster offers culinary secrets. Rubbing noses is safer than kissing, especially from across a crowded room. Tonight: Get cozy with cardboard.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Don’t let late night arrivals distract you from safe snoring decibels. If you sell your soul for whiskey what will you have to trade for ice? A thirsty sailor is not a happy seaman. Refrain from bragging about body hair. Adopt a subliminal approach to pet training. Avoid tete-a-tetes unless you speak French. Chasing rainbows is better than chasing your tail. Seek direction and peace in the wallpaper. Home decorating ideas swirl around in your head. Go ahead: Hang those lovely lace curtains on your grocery cart. When your ship comes in will there be anyone to help you unload her? Tonight: Burn the scandal at both ends.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Learn to appreciate waste. You are far better at creating problems than in solving them. Go with the flow but not all the way down the drain. Running on three cylinders is no walk in the park. A breakfast bar is not always a place to buy a drink before lunch. Too many one-to-one relationships may tax your mathematical prominence. Keep the freight schedule handy as you may be taking a little trip in the future. Bask in the limelight of neon signs. Something in the news will make you warm. Could it be the business section blanketing your shoulders. Tonight: Tye-dye your libido.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Pay close attention to the blueprint of your specified arena. Tribesmen are sure to leave for the liquor store soon. If you had a job you could bring home work at night, if you had a home. Dwell on passing the time. Life is just a movie and you are required to perform your own stunts. Follow your instincts and they will lead you to the end of your nose. Leave it to the others to conform to you. It’s probably too late to procrastinate. It’s tough to make a fresh impression tomorrow with the stale breath of so many yesterdays. File the short form.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Objects in the mirror seem smaller and farther away than they may appear. Unlocking doors could land you in jail. Handle all fiscal matters quickly and irresponsibly. Nothing can stop you since you are not moving in any direction. Learn to laugh at life since it is certainly laughing at you. If you ignore that important decision long enough it will cease to be of concern. Join the circus. Social activities should have accelerated last month. It’s difficult to diversify when your bicycle seat is on backwards. Tonight: Tuna martinis.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
You will enjoy a wild goose chase especially if you’re not the prey. Forget past obligations with the same vigor that you are embracing present responsibilities. Maintain a sense of equilibrium, at least below the belt. Your soul mate is a hamster. Every queen named Jane has either been murdered, imprisoned, gone mad, died young or been dethroned. What else is left? Beware of pickpockets with vacuum attachments. Seeing good in all things is commendable. Seeing good in a fog is worthwhile. Never confuse the bait with the catch. Tonight: Sackcloth and ashes.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Negotiations will do little good at the guillotine. Broken bones may impress the neighbors. Clear your throat, your head will follow. Malnutrition is an eating disorder too. Today would be a great time to stop drinking. Next week would be a better time. Never pull a knife in a greasy spoon. Imagine your mother-in-law with a bald head. Stay far enough ahead of the pack to effectively cover your tracks. A shirt-sleeve relative will attempt to get his hands in your pockets. Don’t sweat the small print if you can’t read the headlines. If you insist on paying your bills on time it will grow to be expected. Tonight: Hog the blankets.

-Kashmir Horseshoe, copyright 2015, The Astrological-Metaphysical  Cavalry